Absolutely hate being a mother :(

[mumtobee22]

Hi all I've posted something like this before when my baby was 7 months and people told me it gets easier but he's 15 months now and I feel it's getting worse... I absolutely hate being a mum. I hate it. Most of the days I just find myself crying and crying, I do love my baby but I had a difficult start and found it hard to bond with him. Most of the days I just want to lie in bed away from him. I just want to be away from him that I wish I would go into hospital. I'm so sick of the same stuff with him everyday it's an never ending circuit. I can't talk to my family about this because they love him so much and they would be so cross and they said I'm a disgrace and not fit to be a mother. I have suffered mental health and depression from an early age and I feel having a baby has just made this worse . I had a difficult relationship with the father and every time I look at my baby it's a constant reminder of what the father did to me. I hate being tied to him. I miss my old life soo much I just want it back. I'm only 22 and I miss going out. I feel so bad for writing this because he's such a lovely child but I just feel like I can't love him the way all my family do. I feel so alone with no support I literally can't stop crying :(

He was abusive sexually, physically and mentally. I am on the waitlist for counselling and I've spoke to my gp about changing my ad as I feel I've been on it too long

Do you have a health visitor?

Oh, I really hope you're okay OP. I'm in NI too and my wee one's also 15 months so I get how full on they can be sometimes!
Is there any chance of family helping out a bit more if they're so close to him? You've been open about finding it a struggle (which is really brave) and if they're decent, I really hope they'd want to help? I'm sure it couldn't hurt to reach out to the GP again too. Sending all the love to you and your wee boy x

Right. What a bastard. What is good is that you recognise that his behaviour was abusive and have separated from him. You have strength.

None of what has happened to you is your fault. And you know now that your family is not a safe arena in which to discuss your most vulnerable feelings.

How dare they say you are an unfit mother? You love your little boy, you are doing all the right things with him in going to those groups. You are seeking help.

Hold tight OP, and I hope the counselling is made available soon.

You poor lady, is there any way you could book him in with a child kinder even one morning a week so you can have a break? You must be exhausted doing this on your own with your family being unsupportive. It’s no wonder you feel like this

Would any of your family have him over night for you?

OP

You are not a disgrace. You are having a very tough time & don't have enough support & love. You are quite young and on your own - I'm not that surprised you feel so low.

Please go back to your GP and explain things are getting worse & ask to have your counselling referral made more urgent.

Have you any older women in your life? Anyone who could help & listen? And look after you a bit. You sound like you need someone to make you a meal & a cuppa ☕️ & look after you a bit.

Is there any local community group you could reach out to? I'm not religious but even a church community or something - somewhere where they'd help you and be kind??

Lastly, please be kind to yourself. It's very hard having a child on your own with no help. You are doing amazingly.

Your family have been horrible to you, but if they love him as much as they say they do, they'll need to step up and help out now, by looking after him for you.

Can you get your mum to take him for a couple of days as a start to give you a bit of space to think about what you and he need?

I'm in Northern Ireland too. I think you should try to get out to a baby group every day. I know you go to two but find ones for the other days too. I'm a Catholic but I go to all the church ones around here regardless of denomination. They're cheap/free, great for the kids and gets you out of the house and a cup of tea. Make use of them. And Rhythm and Rhyme at the library. I disagree with previous posters because I think you need to spend more and quality time with your little one to improve bonding. Bonding makes the sacrifice worthwhile. You love him already but you need to grow it even more. You do that by spending quality time doing things that make him happy. You are actually very lucky to be so young because you still have your whole life ahead of you and these tough early years will be over soon. Take him swimming once a week. Go splashing in puddles. Have lunch on the grass in the park. Take the bus over to Bow Meadow and see the goats. Go out, every day. Go on holiday together if you can afford it. Just keep moving. It is hard but I know you are not going to quit. 💪💪💪

Good advice

Is there any chance of you earning enough OP to send your son to nursery or a childminder? You would have a life away from full time mum duties and hopefully would enjoy your time with him more x

We're really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when any of our users feel as you do we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website
or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

Some links which you might like to use:
NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus
CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts
Very best wishes from MNHQ.

Hi. I have not read through all responses but will give you my thoughts and opinion x
You say you have had mental health issues long term so generally that likely tells me that all was not so good with your upbringing. I fall within the same category so I can relate. And then you gravitated to a relationship where you took more abuse. That is not unusual but it does not make it right that you did that. I hope you get your counselling soon but I wonder if in the meantime Rape Crisis would have any support they could extend to you and your son? May be worth a phone call.
It was probably not a good idea to tell your family you hate being a mother. It may be how you feel now but family likely would have been shocked. I would leave it a few days to a week. Make a list of what you are finding difficult and try to write a sentence or two about WHY you find these tasks with him so hard. This might make it clearer for you to understand why you are feeling this way. It might all come down to your mental health. I don't know but it would not be surprising. Maybe your family are the type who can take this on board more if they know where the support is needed and why.
Finally I would ask to speak with your health visitor as she can perhaps access services for you both that you do not know exist. If you are thinking your treatment is no longer working for you she might be able to link in with the GP in order an alternative can be tried. Maybe it would make better sense for you to be treated by a mental health team. She could also Maybe support you to explain the situation to your family.
All the luck in the world to you both x

Sorry your going through this OP… I don’t have children so can’t completely relate but I do sympathise, it sounds like your going through a difficult time.

However your post reminded me of a sub Reddit I randomly came across ages ago. I think it was called regretful parents … or something like that. There were loads of parents on there saying pretty much the exact same thing you have put here. Things like how they love their child but miss their old life. I just wanted to say your feelings are valid and perhaps it’s more common than what we think for parents to have feelings like this. I hope things get better for you OP 💐

I would speak to your GP. There is light at the end of this tunnel. I felt exactly as you describe for about 3 years until I sought support and went on medication, my son is now 7 and I love him to bits, we get on well and have lots of good fun together.

Also could you speak to health visitor? Xx

I'm so sorry to hear that you're suffering so much, OP. Please don't feel guilty! Being a mum is hard work; demanding and exhausting. It does bring its rewards but when you're at the end of your tether, it can be absolute hell. You need help and you need it now! Don't give up! ❤️

Oh sweetie, it’s such a hard time being a parent even without all the things you have described. I’m going with others and advocate seeing GP.
You definitely need some sort of “rescue” or respite.

I’m middle aged and remember struggling too. You are in my thoughts. Please seek help with GP and then if that’s not satisfactory, come back on board here to see what other parents of your generation suggest.
Best wishes 🌷🌷🌷🌷

You are not a disgrace. Quite the opposite, it takes a strong person to admit they are struggling and to ask for help. Your family is the disgrace for being so unkind when you reached out and told them you were struggling. Please visit your GP and let them know you need help.

I know in some places Home Start offer a befriending service, where they arrange for a volunteer to visit once a week or so. When you go to a home start group can you tell one of the people who run the group that you are really struggling and see if they offer something like that? You might then be able to chat through some options with your befriender. You need help, both for yourself and the sake of your child. Best of luck

Your family are being very unkind and unsupportive.

If my daughter had a baby at such a young age I would have offered her a lot of emotional and practical support (babysitting regularly, etc) in order to help her cope because it is bloody difficult bringing up babies especially without a supportive partner.

Your child is happy and healthy so you're doing a lot right and you can't help your feelings.

I didn't enjoy my son until he turned 3 or 4 years old. It's much easier when they are a bit more independent and can interact with you.

I don't know why people are suggesting you ask your family to look after your son more often. How can you trust them if they have such a nasty attitude to you?

Thanks for all the lovely comments and advice. I rang the gp and there calling me in today with the mental health practitioner. Washing my hands of my family as there saying this morning I'm unfit to be a mother and I'm a disgrace. And they'll never forgive me. But so glad to be going in today to see someone x

Yay!! Well done OP! Great work!! 👏

Well done you!

Good on you OP. 😀

That’s really unkind of your family. You sound very strong.
I wonder if there are any local DV services to you which might have a mum and baby group? They will have specialist support workers who will be familiar with dealing with the issues you are having with bonding with your little boy - and you might just meet a kindred spirit who you can support each other.
I had my first quite young, and I had a good friend in the same boat. We became joined at the hip almost, dealing with the ups and downs of being young mums together.
It was a long time ago now, but I remember sitting in her front room after baby swim and all our friends were planning festivals and girls holidays. She said ‘but you know what, by the time ours are 15 we’ll still be the right side of 40’. She was right - and we are both having a great time, with a bit of life behind us but still young enough able to have fun and go out. Our teenagers appreciate having young mums who can relate to them.
It’s a really tough stage you are at, especially on your own, without much support.
I hope you can find a good mum friend or two to share it with.