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Original poster

Will changing DDs school help or not?

33 replies

Notquitesuremom · 30/10/2022 19:09

Not sure what to do. DD at highly competitive girls only school in year 8. Year 7 was awful, lots of friendship issues, dd feeling alone, sitting on her own in the library at lunch, no self confidence as surrounded by lots of overly confident, streetwise girls with a full face of makeup, false eyelashes etc whereas DD is quiet, has no interest in boys or makeup.

Pastoral “care” useless, did nothing. In fact the pastoral care lady left after a couple of months in post and hasn’t been replaced.

Year 8 has been slightly better but dd still hates school, has some friends but not loads and a couple of girls in her form have been suspended due to bringing knives into school, alcohol & self harming kits.

This is a grammar school which was rated outstanding. I’m wondering whether I should take her out & try another school. In the hope there will be some pastoral support and the environment will be more caring. Her current school only cares about academic grades & in this area latest results show it excels in this.

DD doesn’t want to leave but I’m worried the little confidence she has is being stripped away by this school. I just don’t know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Tromboncini · 30/10/2022 19:13

Well do you want your child at an exam factory where they have no pastoral support which will erode any confidence and friendship groups at a critical age, or somewhere she thrives?

How much are A*’s worth to you and how much sacrifice does DD have to make to ‘excel’.

Move if you have a reasonable option, although I’m wondering how much worse it gets…

Beamur · 30/10/2022 19:15

Does the school rejig forms in yr 9? This is a good opportunity to make new connections.
My DD found yr9 onwards much easier, this was echoed by my older SC too.
Kids mature a bit and the intense jockeying for status seems to reduce a bit.
DD is also at a selective grammar and there has also been issues with knives and alcohol/expulsions.
I seriously considered moving DD in yr8 but she wasn't keen. Thought it would be the same crap in an unfamiliar school and I think she was probably right.
Does she have friends and activities outside of school?

Beamur · 30/10/2022 19:16

Although I would say pastoral care and support has been very good.

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Violettaa · 30/10/2022 19:20

I was your daughter - please, please change her school.

Original poster
Notquitesuremom · 30/10/2022 19:25

I would happily change her school but every time I raise the issue dd gets upset and begs me not too. I gave myself til Christmas this year to decide.

I don’t care about her exam grades. DD had no tutoring for this school but passed their exam & really wanted to go.

Because it’s a grammar we have girls travelling via bus/train and even boat to attend. Many are from London and seem exceptionally confident whereas dd is shy and quiet. The school agreed with me that many of these girls are overly confident and when I asked about changing her form they said it wouldn’t help in their opinion.

I have friends who have dc in other schools & they say these schools also have issue with weapons, alcohol and bullying. The whole area seems to be having these issues so I worry she will change schools and still have to deal with these things there too.

OP posts:
Beamur · 30/10/2022 19:34

Maybe have a look around the other schools at least?

Beamur · 30/10/2022 19:35

All high schools have some issues though.

Sprig1 · 30/10/2022 19:41

It sounds awful. I absolutely would move her.

lannistunut · 30/10/2022 19:49

I would move my child if they were unhappy for a protracted length of time.

Original poster
Notquitesuremom · 30/10/2022 19:52

Ok I’ve been given the nudge I need, Thankyou. Going to contact other schools tomorrow, there is one nearby that I hear has amazing pastoral support

OP posts:
NOTANUM · 30/10/2022 19:54

Where are you that the grammar schools have knives?
Are you sure this isn’t foolish talk they’ve seen on YouTube?

2bazookas · 30/10/2022 20:23

DD has some friends but not loads

That is perfectly normal and acceptable for a shy quiet child her age.

It's also perfectly normal that some teen girls are very interested in their appearance and boys. There will be teenagers like that in any school.

and a couple of girls in her form have been suspended due to bringing knives into school, alcohol & self harming kits.

IOW, the school acted correctly to protect the majority. The way any reputable school would.

Your DD's quiet character is hers; and she'll take it with her to any other school.

Where she's likely to find some kids like herself, some who are nothing like herself. It would be extremely rare to find a school where every pupil is rather shy and there's no loud teenagers, no misbehaviour and no suspensions.

2bazookas · 30/10/2022 20:25

lannistunut · 30/10/2022 19:49

I would move my child if they were unhappy for a protracted length of time.

But OP's DD doesn't want to move to another school.

I'd like to hear why she prefers to stay.

Klarwen · 30/10/2022 20:26

Sometimes a fresh start is transformative. It's a roll of the dice though.

At her age I think it's probably difficult to imagine moving to another school. Definitely worth exploring, as far as her looking round at least.

lizorlettuce · 30/10/2022 21:06

NOTANUM · 30/10/2022 19:54

Where are you that the grammar schools have knives?
Are you sure this isn’t foolish talk they’ve seen on YouTube?

Was going to ask same thing!

MackenCheese · 30/10/2022 22:23

My DD is moving schools right now, after half term of year 9. She was miserable in an all girls grammar for 6 terms (year 7 and 8). She is excited about moving, she didn't take much convincing when a school place came up elsewhere!

Rainbows89 · 30/10/2022 22:40

I would definitely move her. I’m puzzled though why she doesn’t want to move if she hates it?

I would probably talk to her more about that to try and understand before making any decisions.

Original poster
Notquitesuremom · 31/10/2022 15:35

I think DD is just worried that changing schools will be even more stressful & less stressful to stay where she is.

The school was last inspected by OFSTED 8 years ago & I contacted them for an idea of when it will be inspected and apparently they have until 2024 to do an inspection.

The knife issue is real. It’s really quite worrying. A couple of girls have been removed from DDs form by their parents because they were threatened with a knife. DD says she’s never experienced bullying & never been threatened with a knife.

OP posts:
LizzieBet14 · 31/10/2022 15:45

NOTANUM · 30/10/2022 19:54

Where are you that the grammar schools have knives?
Are you sure this isn’t foolish talk they’ve seen on YouTube?

It still amazes me that people believe that there are no issues whatsoever in grammar & private schools.
How wonderfully naive.....

Bluevelvetsofa · 31/10/2022 15:50

When grades are the main focus, it’s often the case that the pastoral side of things suffers. The girls are expected to be resilient and fight (metaphorically) their corner.

What I would find concerning, is that in this hothouse environment, there are girls bringing weapons and self harming kits into school. It’s a long time since the last Ofsted and whilst I often take their judgements with a pinch of salt, there is a focus now on safeguarding and your DD’s school might come unstuck in that aspect.

I’d take her to see other schools and get a feel for a different environment, particularly one that has good pastoral care. I wouldn’t believe any school that said they had no bullying issues, but the grammar school doesn’t appear to deal with them very well. Able children will do well academically in most environments, but she might blossom with better pastoral care.

If she’s really set against moving, you’d have to accept that, but it would be useful for her to see what else is out there.

Handoverthechocollate · 31/10/2022 16:03

Rainbows89 · 30/10/2022 22:40

I would definitely move her. I’m puzzled though why she doesn’t want to move if she hates it?

I would probably talk to her more about that to try and understand before making any decisions.

Well done for checking out other schools. My DD was also afraid to move (which is a perfectly normal feeling), but once I took the responsibility of making a decision away from her, and let her see the other school, she started talking about moving in positive terms.

lizorlettuce · 31/10/2022 20:20

@LizzieBet14 I work in a boys' private school and this has never happened

lizorlettuce · 31/10/2022 20:20

Plenty of other issues but never ever knives

lulubelle1977 · 31/10/2022 20:26

Perhaps like others have said- go and look at a few schools which might have places. If you like one or two, ask her to at least go with you and see what they are like. She doesn't have to decide tell her, but she may get a good feel once she goes to look at them.

randomsabreuse · 31/10/2022 20:28

If she's bright enough to pass without tutoring she's likely to have similar problems at less selective schools, and probably attract more negative attention for being a swot... Risk of jumping out of frying pan into the fire.

I'm not convinced pastoral support in general is in a position to do much more than firefight obvious crises, however good it is on paper.

I was a shy quiet swot in an academically selective school, I found a few good friends I'm still in contact with 20+ years later, but did have issues with other students at various points. Moving would not have been the right choice!