Grandparents s on family holidays

[mids2019]

Generalisation

For those with children when you have family holidays do you invite grandparents?

I have a widowed father in law who my partner is now inviting on the majority of our main family holidays (often abroad). I don't know how we quite feel into a default position that he comes on our holiday by default but it feels.like from my partner's point of view there is a family obligation to take her father on holiday given his widowed status and that is natural family dynamic.

my issue is that holidays from my perspective are the only truly mentally clear time to enjoy family time with outdoor activity, exploration and games. Work, school, extrac curricular activity puts certain limits on family life for the majority of the time (general life stress)./My father in law seems to think that our holidays are now grand parent time where he gets to spend quality time with my 10 and 12 year old, in some instances making decisions on were we visit 3rd on holiday and my partner is quite complacent with this. Also when having family meals my father in law is quite opinionated and will gives views on various topics (society,politics,work,education) that might contradict my own beliefs s and I don't feel there is opportunity to discuss a number of things of life interest uninhibited in an immediate family atmosphere.

my father in law seems to be having very minor senior moments and definitely is hugely nostalgic and this comes through in his world view which isn't necessarily mine and he seems to adopt a parent role in these trips of occasion (giving children money and setting limits on it for instance) which is frustrating.

most of all I love my personal space including just time with partner and children only after stressful perio is a of work.

do other s holiday holiday with in laws and i me a it work? How do you set boundaries and make decision on daily activity? Is taking the grand parents an obligation for families?

Have you spoken to your partner about not wanting her father on your family holidays? Would she compromise and do alternate years? Is it limiting what you can do?

I agree with you that the default is not to take grandparents on family holidays. This is primarily time for your nuclear family to have quality time and REST and relaxation. Elderly relatives are often not relaxing to have around.

Its understandable that your partner wants to look after her dad as he is on his own. Perhaps he could join you for a few days once a year when you go away . Or perhaps she could have quality time with him and then children while you do something else for a few days.

If he is in good health and still wants to travel it might be worth him considering travel with friends or groups as an alternative.

I feel your pain! YANBU

We’ve done maybe one or two with grandparents and I wouldn’t do it lightly - such different expectations, tutting if we treat the kids, tutting if they play up due to being over excited or tired.

Nope!

I would suggest you speak to your wife and see if she’s onboard, or look at alternatives, lots of elderly type holidays with similar minded people might broaden his friendship group!

I’d agree it’s a nice idea but changes the dynamics and the holiday stops being a chance to just relax. It’s particularly unfair on you as the relationship with in-laws is not the same as your actual parents. Perhaps your partner could go somewhere alone with her dad?

This wouldn’t be for me, now and again maybe but not every holiday. Other people do change the dynamic of the holiday. My mum isn’t the best at compromising and just thinks the group should do what she wants e.g. what time to eat, what time of food

Not the default here.

We tend to do one trip a year which includes GP and is specifically chosen to include something for everyone and not too long - so typically a 4 night city break type thing. And I might do another short UK city break witt my mum and the kids leaving DH at home.

Our longer 1 week+ holidays are just me, DH and the DC.

We've done holidays with the grandparents but each time they have instigated it, not us. So more a case of grandparents inviting us on their holiday tbh.

It isn't an obligation, no.

We had a couple of holidays with my FIL when he was first widowed - the first was okay but on the second yes- he overstepped with the children in terms of making decisions and rules and doing things with them we'd told them weren't allowed, and generally acting as though he had the final say on absolutely everything.

The holiday was tense and tbh not fun. I was very open about not being prepared to go on holiday with him ever again, so we never have... He's fit and sprightly though elderly in years and has absolutely no care needs or age related cognitive decline as far as anyone can tell, so I feel no responsibility tbh.

If you are unable to have two holidays a year, one for just you and your partner and children and one that includes grandad then the fair thing to do would be that he comes every other year.

Alternatively you have your own family holiday and your partner then goes away with her father and the kids on an additional without you.

No way I would go on holiday with in laws... Everything would become scheduled to suit them, even down to when we could have first cup of coffee in the morning and even then if not drunk within so many minutes it is discarded. Would drive me mad.

No way would I do this. SIL has tried to invite herself on our family holidays a number of times and is firmly rebuffed. Could you afford for your partner and DCs to have an additional holiday with FIL, without you in attendance?

Mil divorced and has never remarried, no interest. We take her away with us once a year but only on a uk caravan type holiday. I get on really well with her but she doesnt respect my boundaries for the kids eg amounts of sweets / giving them a ridiculous amount of money to spend in the arcades etc. I can tolerate a short break, but our abroad holidays are for us only.

BIL never invites her.

I think you need to tell your partner that trips that include him are to be limited and agreed beforehand from now on. It does need to be every holiday.

I would struggle with every holiday, well more than struggle.
I did one Centre Park 4 day break with my MIL and found it hard going.

We did one two day holiday with my DPs when DS was younger and that was more than enough <shudder >. However we do go away annually- or have done up to this point - with SIL and their family, but key thing is that most of us enjoy it.

Speak to your DP about this. As DFIL is widowed I think - if you can stomach it - one trip a year would be kind. But no absolutely I would not expect FIL to be on all your family holidays. These are valuable bonding and relaxing times for your nuclear family as well, and now that DS is 16 and pulling away from us, we cherish the pictures and memories of when he was younger and we were away together.

We had ILs come when the children were tiny. Actually two with just DS and only one with both children.

The distance between our expectations and theirs was too great. The endless breakfast until 11.30/12 and not wanting to do anything in the mornings.

Agreeing MIL and I would take turns to make dinner: her nights were tomato soup and cheese toasties, fish and chips, etc: home-made food was suggested for my nights. Babysitting so dh and I could have dinner out and then complaining about what had been spent.

Them insisting onnpaying which meant everything had to be done their way - with utter meanness.

I put the lid on it after the third.

Nowadays we rent a house near widowed MIL at Christmas and Easter because who's widowed and 86 and can't travel any more over long distances.

We’ve done various holidays with grandparents, some abroad and some uk. They paid for all of us to go to Florida when DC were 3 and 6. When we usually took them for May half term as they really didn’t want to go aboard anymore, so we booked cottages. When MIL died we took FIL on 2 cruises which he really enjoyed, DS was in his 20’s then. My adult Sons have got lovely memories. Yes, we’ve had arguments on holidays about different things, but mainly we got on and had great times.

than you for all your messages and it is good to know that I am not the I not one!

I don't know how we quite got here but after my MIL s death we did go abroad with FIL partly out of empathy with his new loneliness. However it has become an unspoken acceptance that fil is now an omnipresent feature of our annual week/2 week holdiays. It is really difficult to broach the subject as previously he has helped our family financially initially (e.g. wedding costs) and aided with transport; it feels a little like quid pro who that he now gets family holidays.

it has reached a point where I was actually glad the holiday was over in some respects because of the weight of not a strained relationship but a strange family dynamic where no-one really knew where they stood. I have just got back to the Facebook posts he has made referencing great family times which have been liked by the extended family and friends which makes me silently frustrated.

The idea of extended weekend breaks to local cities makes sense and allows the children interaction time with their grandad without the stress and feeling of wasted holiday.

the next hurdle is a trip to Disney world in Florida next year which FIL promised the children a few years ago as they missed fireworks around the castle (?) first time round. I am not looking forward to that really as last time FIL took great delight showing the children round various parks and I felt like a spare end. Again Disneyworld was a big family holiday from his past with my partner and BIL and there was a real sense of him wanting to replicate the experience.

Is FIL paying for the Disney trip ? If so could you skip it so that you're got the AL and presumably your DP does too, to go on your own holiday.

Really you've got a DP rather than a FIL problem. You need to speak to them and say you're not happy with the status quo. FIL had the chance to build his happy memories with his DCs when they were young and you need the same courtesy.

OP - at least FIL posted about good times rather than moaned about it to the rest of the family. My mum has a habit of doing this which is very frustrating

If you do go to Disneyland remember that you have been before too now. He doesn’t not need to be the guide.

Thanks for the comments again. I do think the parent in law being invited on holidays by default isn't the best way going forward and it is up to me to determine how to broach this eventually. Thanks again.

I think you tell your dp that this year you want a vacation without dfil, say you know that may disappoint him so instead suggest he picks and organises two or three long weekends away - at Easter, and in May or October half terms. In fact you don't even need to go along on those (that would control cost as they'd only need two twin room).

Then you pick and organise the big two week holiday and suggest your DP organises for BIL to entertain DFIL that fortnight (why on earth doesnt BIL feel this requirement to look after lonely DFiL? Surely it is his turn?).

We do some very successful vacations with DGP. After my dad died, sometimes we would take mum along. I wish honestly we had done it more, but she wasnt very mobile. Now she is dead i wish i had more of those family vacation memories to treasure. I am sure my DH doesn't feel the same, which is why we didnt take mum on every holiday we went on!

We aim to organise a major holiday every other year with DPIL. It is more stressful for me, but the kids love it. And i discovered that by being ridiculously laid back and letting dpil make nearly all the decisions there is no tension. i just let it all wash over me. It has stopped feeling like a "wasted holiday" and Ive learned to enjoy doing a holiday at their pace and in their style (which is very different to mine).

We do a long weekend camping / air bndb type break - every year as a family and that's plenty ! But not the main holiday .Thats too much .