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Original poster

I forgot my friend is getting married tomorrow. I'm incompetent

49 replies

jazzpr · 29/10/2022 20:44

It's been on the fridge. Clearly on my calendar. I see it every time I walk by

I have just got off the phone to arrange lunch with my mum. Completely forgetting I'll be at a wedding 80 miles away Hmm despite the constant reminder on my fridge and the 24 hour before reminder on my phone...

I'm sick of this. I always forget things and lose stuff. I'm useless! It's so frustrating! I have high self esteem but I'm so bloody forgetful

I try so so hard. For example, my son's school think I'm a whizz and have everything 'just so'. But I'm terrified of forgetting things as I always do, even if I've been reminded of it one minute before. I just forget. My house is immaculate because if it wasn't, I'd live in chaos as I can't function without order and familiarity - if it's not drummed in as routine, I forget or do it wrong.

My time keeping is horrific. I have no sense of time and I'm rubbish at estimating how long I'll be completing a basic task. Others will think it's ridiculous anyway. I'll say 'I'll be 5 minutes' and I genuinely mean that, but end up taking over 30 mins...

I find it hard to stay on task and usually skip from one job to the next. It's confusing. I try not to. I can't help it

It's silly things like putting my phone down in someone else's house, I will always spend ages before I go looking after saying 'oh no where's my phone'. See also my keys and bag!

Again the reason I feel so useless as I'm horrified by being late or forgetting something. But I just forget - they slip my mind 24/7!

Does anyone else feel this way? I know it screams incompetent but I just can't seem to help myself Sad

OP posts:
OneStepOneStumble · 29/10/2022 20:47

Have you ever explored an adult adhd diagnosis?

hilariousnamehere · 29/10/2022 20:47

I could have written this, and I don't want to do the armchair diagnosis thing but - have you considered you might have ADHD?

Literally everything you've written is a symptom, especially in adult women!

hilariousnamehere · 29/10/2022 20:48

(except for the part where your house is immaculate - mine is very much in chaos despite having a diagnosis and meds now 😂)

Middledazedted · 29/10/2022 20:48

Yes me. Perfectly competent but lose everything I pick up. Have had loads of new car keys and handbags. So many handbags. Get lost, double or triple book and cause problems all over the place. I have good self esteem too.Good job! My sister is my opposite and nearly killed me when younger

Middledazedted · 29/10/2022 20:49

And yeah adhd - meant to mention that. Dyspraxia too can contribute

Shouldbedoing · 29/10/2022 20:51

You sound a perfect fit for (Inattentive) Adult Attention Deficit Disorder - Adult ADD. The almost OCD like organisation is one coping mechanism.

stuntbubbles · 29/10/2022 20:52

Echoing the adult ADHD diagnosis. Including the guilt-tripping yourself for being this way.

WindyKnickers · 29/10/2022 20:53

ADHD. My teen DD is like this, can't stay focussed on something, forgets stuff, gets lost, things go in one ear and out the other. Can't keep track of homework. It drives me mad but we're working towards an ADHD diagnosis, hopefully. And hopefully she will then get some help to cope better.

OohMrBingley · 29/10/2022 20:54

Well, I’m not neurodiverse, and have no expertise of it, but even I thought ADHD the whole way through reading that.

dollyblack · 29/10/2022 20:56

Textbook ADHD I’d say.

Original poster
jazzpr · 29/10/2022 20:57

I've never really looked into adhd in adults before

The guilt is awful. And I just can't help it, I promise. Yet I know so many of my actions or lack of them seem careless. I hate it.

I do have somewhat obsessive routines and stuff and it is exactly that. I am compensating and trying to cope with the chaos in my brain so that helps me stay a bit more grounded in everything. Without that I'd be a mess.

I do overcompensate for some. My son has a Halloween party at school next week and I've ordered loads for him to take in, as parents were asked to contribute some stuff. I guess I like to appear 'put together' when if couldn't further from the truth. A great example would be forgetting the Halloween party is even going ahead Hmm

My DS is autistic and has ADHD (profound care needs needing constant supervision when awake). He is so hyperactive... adding more to the safety issues surrounding him - but I know you can get ADHD that's inattentive so not hyper. Wonder if he's the way he is from me Blush

OP posts:
TheSausageKingofChicago · 29/10/2022 20:58

Yes, me! I don’t have ADHD. I’m just forgetful and shambolic. I think it’s just spinning too many plates, or at least that’s my excuse. For example, I can have something really important in my personal life then as soon as I get to work it goes out of my mind.
I’ve been struck off the dentist for being such a shambles, which is really annoying because it was an NHS one. I feel guilty for being such a time waster and cross with myself because I am the kind of person who never likes to let people down:

PritiPatelsMaker · 29/10/2022 20:58

It definitely seems to be worth reading up on inattentive ADHD and maybe looking at some resources like How to ADHD.

CornishTiger · 29/10/2022 21:00

Oh hello ADHD. Are you me? Just exploring a diagnosis myself.

Original poster
jazzpr · 29/10/2022 21:01

It's awful because the guilt and shame just eats at me, and turns into what feels like an anxiety.

So for example I'll know weeks in advanced my mum is having a big birthday. I'd have planned what I'm wearing and then got her gift sorted weeks and weeks in advanced too - before anyone else! If mentioned to family, they'd be impressed at my quick action

Yet, I'd rock up to the actual birthday only to discover I forgot the gift altogether and it's sitting at home on the kitchen counter Envy

OP posts:
PritiPatelsMaker · 29/10/2022 21:06

From everything you've posted it's definitely worth trying to get a diagnosis but also look at maybe getting an ADHD Coach who can help you work on your self esteem.

Right now it sounds as if you might be struggling with undiagnosed ADHD, looking after your DS and putting yourself down all of the time Flowers

Rachaelrachael · 29/10/2022 21:07

You've just described my life, and I'm pretty sure I have ADHD

Original poster
jazzpr · 29/10/2022 21:13

Well I've just read a few bits on ADHD and had a look at the website how to adhd... even the website format appeals to me!

I could cry... It definitely sound like me.

Not a thing listed as signs of 'Inattentive ADHD' doesn't apply to me. I seem to tick every single box

As I say, my son is profoundly autistic with adhd. So I never really thought about it as my son presents very different adhd wise (some of his autism is exactly like me though, but I'm pretty certain I have what was formerly known as Asperger's)

OP posts:
CamomileCream · 29/10/2022 21:14

This sounds like me. I was diagnosed with bad dyslexia at about 27/28. Probably dyspraxic as well according to the assessor.

Getting a diagnosis doesn't help me with my organisation, spelling, handwriting or anything like that but it did stop me beating myself up about it. I was able to accept myself a bit more. If that is the only thing that comes out of you investigating diagnosis, it might help

Canihaveacoffeepleasexx · 29/10/2022 21:16

I have ADHD and you sound exactly like me

bookdown · 29/10/2022 21:17

I didn't think I could have ADHD because on the surface I appeared fairly organised. however I have to work soo hard to keep on top of things. I have systems in place as I can't trust my brain. I would completely do what you've done re the wedding! I now know it's 100% ADHD (inattentive type though) as I've now got 2 children diagnosed with ADHD and they definitely get it from me! It explains a lot of my struggles at school too.

Original poster
jazzpr · 29/10/2022 21:19

I always thought the almost OCD organisation and cleaning/routine were part of what I've assumed is Asperger's

A good example of a wondering brain is probably my school results. I got a GCSE A* in English, an A in History. For Maths I got a D... I find it very hard to focus and listen if I'm not interested and engaged in a subject or topic, even if I want to be

If I know I need to listen to something, I will try. And my intention is there - to listen. But I end up 'listening' but if asked what was said, I don't know. It's like my brain switched off even though I was forcing myself to pay attention

But maybe it's both - I am doing it to compensate for the general chaos that is my brain! But I also feel secure in routine generally. I dislike change and like things familiar

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 29/10/2022 21:20

You sound like you have a lot on your plate caring for your son. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

dollyblack · 29/10/2022 21:20

its such a headfuck when you find out, the penny drops, everything makes sense but you kind of have to learn how to human all over again in a different way. But it is so amazing having a reason and a lot of the guilt and self blaming goes and you can find strategies that help, and hopefully people around you will be supportive. Having kids, especially high needs ones, does not make life easy, sounds like you’re pretty awesome already x

Coatdegroan · 29/10/2022 21:28

Sounds like you have your hands full with your son, and you are managing to keep everything tidy.
Don't feel guilty when you forget something.

You sound just like me. Naturally chaotic and messy but if I out in a super human effort in I can Be tidy and this is my coping mechanism. But I sometimes forget things. Go easy on yourself. You're doing well.

You could have realised about the wedding after you'd missed it 😂