I forgot my friend is getting married tomorrow. I'm incompetent

[jazzpr]

It's been on the fridge. Clearly on my calendar. I see it every time I walk by

I have just got off the phone to arrange lunch with my mum. Completely forgetting I'll be at a wedding 80 miles away despite the constant reminder on my fridge and the 24 hour before reminder on my phone...

I'm sick of this. I always forget things and lose stuff. I'm useless! It's so frustrating! I have high self esteem but I'm so bloody forgetful

I try so so hard. For example, my son's school think I'm a whizz and have everything 'just so'. But I'm terrified of forgetting things as I always do, even if I've been reminded of it one minute before. I just forget. My house is immaculate because if it wasn't, I'd live in chaos as I can't function without order and familiarity - if it's not drummed in as routine, I forget or do it wrong.

My time keeping is horrific. I have no sense of time and I'm rubbish at estimating how long I'll be completing a basic task. Others will think it's ridiculous anyway. I'll say 'I'll be 5 minutes' and I genuinely mean that, but end up taking over 30 mins...

I find it hard to stay on task and usually skip from one job to the next. It's confusing. I try not to. I can't help it

It's silly things like putting my phone down in someone else's house, I will always spend ages before I go looking after saying 'oh no where's my phone'. See also my keys and bag!

Again the reason I feel so useless as I'm horrified by being late or forgetting something. But I just forget - they slip my mind 24/7!

Does anyone else feel this way? I know it screams incompetent but I just can't seem to help myself

Very kind of you

Can I ask, does anyone who has ADHD here or suspects they do, feel like they didn't achieve as much as they could've potentially in life?

For example, I've lost count of the amount of courses I've paid for and didn't complete

I'm a creative thinker but I have hyper focused moments of pure dedication to a task. But I can't work out how to turn it off or on?

I feel if I knew how to manage what I'm assuming is ADHD, I could've gone further professionally etc?

Oh god yes. It's only recently its started to dawn on me that I may have ADHD. I literally lost a huge wad of cash to-day having taken it out yesrday, got it home safely then got distracted by something and left it in a random place. Found it by a huge search today but spent most of the day in tears as a result. I am a mess but work would say i am competent and am described as a safe pair of hands but honestly the level of mental energy required to perform at work is exhausting.

@TheHauntedPencilCase I've been there many times! Sorry to hear you were so stressed

Overcompensating is definitely a coping mechanism I use instinctively and I've done it for years as if works - it's also quite tiring though, I feel exhausted 🥱

But interestingly enough being strict with designated places for things comes up as No.1 tip for managing adhd?

My partner has ADHD but was only diagnosed a few years ago in his mid 30s. He was really struggling at work as he was constantly being pulled up on his lack of attention to detail, and was put on a performance plan. He was ready to jack in his career for something else altogether, but I encouraged him to get a diagnosis.

For him it helped massively both at work and at home. He got medication, and found a new job where he could focus on his strengths and had other people in his team who dealt with more of the organisational side of things. He is thriving at work now.

At home, it's been helpful to read up on how ADHD impacts relationships. We had gotten into an awful parent- child dynamic where I felt like I was constantly bearing most of the mental load and doing all the organising. And he just felt constantly overwhelmed. A few things have really helped, like having an Alexa for reminders, a cleaner, a very regular routine for chores to be done (e.g. vacuuming on a Friday), and giving him his own space where he can be messy.

Even if you don't seek a diagnosis, it's definitely worth reading up on tips and techniques for managing ADHD. You may find that medication really helps though.

But interestingly enough being strict with designated places for things comes up as No.1 tip for managing adhd?

Totally agree with this @jazzpr if I haven't put something away (and I have to be strict about having rules and places for things) then it totally throws me! I think that's why I can cope at work as it's all clear and ordered, people always comment on how well filed my cases are but it's how I keep it all together. Less easy in a household of boys though!

Yes I sympathise - I constantly lose things as well as run late and forget things. I am a rubbish completer finisher.

I rely on
mum’s WhatsApp groups - it’s a team game .
routines eg trying to put things in the same place
reminders on my phone
work backwards from when I need to leave for somewhere ( and then add 10 mins contingency)
buy presents and cards for children in bulk etc

My biggest frustration has always been not living up to my potential - I'm a year into meds and hoping that I can learn to manage things like never finishing courses or projects or anything... (I don't dare even look at how many courses I've bought and not finished!)

Sounds like me exactly... I have adhd, diagnosed as an adult.

Are you also incredibly impulsive? My husband lovingly teases me when I'm on amazon again buying new bits for the most recent hobby I want to put all my energy into for all of 3 weeks

A calendar on the wall saved my life. For some reason, reminders on my phone never worked. Its almost as if I have to constantly see it in writing to remember it's coming up.

Yes - I'm crap with money. I have to have a separate account for bills, otherwise I'd spend it.

I stroked a ginger car yesterday and couldn't believe how beautiful he was! Such a lovely colour. And he was so friendly. I was then googling cats for sale in my area and had serious intentions in my head to enquire about a few! Thankfully my common sense did kick in that it's not right to buy an animal on a whim or lack of ability to put random plans and ideas into actions

Another example is again setting out to do stuff like courses I can't complete, yet buying them with the best intentions

Interesting - I have a whiteboard planned on my fridge but some weeks it's filled, some weeks I just don't do it

Not that helpful though as you can only see the week and it doesn't have dates on as you just write them in yourself etc

This made me laugh... it totally resonates with me. I have a hamster I bought on a whim when I was 6 months pregnant with my second. Luckily I still love him and doubly luckily my husband is allergic to cats otherwise I'd have 4.

Those week calendar things never worked for me either in the long run

I would have said Asd+dyspraxia.
I would have said lists are your friend, but you seem to have that down.

I was diagnosed with ADHD 18 months ago at age 39. It never seases to amaze me when I read about myself in so many other women!

To those who have received a diagnosis later in life, has it made a big difference to you?
All of these posts resonate so much with me but I've also read how difficult it is to get diagnosed on the NHS?

I have a bad habit of becoming obsessed with a holiday destination and spending every spare minute obsessively researching the destination/hotels/day trips etc and I just can't stop until I've booked it. It completely takes over and feels like a massive rush (and almost a relief) when I finally book it. Does this sound like ADHD?

Yes it made a difference for me. Official validation felt good.

i got a private dx, it was £1.5k and was all over and done with in a few weeks. Appreciate this is a lot of money but i’d been through YEARS of my Very Obviously Autistic son jumping through NHS hoops to get a dx to get school support, that i thought, the nhs will look at me and think i’m v low priority (married, employed, etc) and i didn't have the energy to fight for it.

Hi @Rachaelrachael . I cannot begin to tell you the difference it has made to my life. It is like night and day. I spent my life in cycles of anxiety and depression and was (mis)diagnosed at around 15 with depression. It followed me throughout my life, mainly during times of stress as I couldn't cope, became overwhelmed, and would effectively "shut down".

The main triggers for this was me feeling like I wasn't reaching my full potential. Everything was so HARD. I was (am) intelligent and wanted to do x, y and z but just couldn't do it, or know how to even go about it. Why couldn't I do what everyone else could? What was wrong with me?? I just wanted to be happy and not find everything so bloody difficult.

I would procrastinate to the point it would lead to depression because I wanted to do lots of things but just couldn't do it. Hobbies and new interests became (expensive) obsessions until a few weeks later when I had absolutely ZERO interest in them. I saw this another failing. I was a serial quitter, and flaky.

Then my life changed in February 2021 when I discovered ADHD in women (through this site funnily enough, I'm eternally grateful). In the April, shortly after my 39th birthday, I was privately diagnosed with ADHD. I started medication in the July. A few days before Christmas 2021, my GP agreed to shared care which meant I would get the meds on NHS prescription. I did not have the means to pay for private but I knew I had to do something and I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

To give you an idea of the change in me, I haven't had a depressive episode since my diagnosis whereas before I was off the back of a few years with several long term absences from work for it. I'd been in the same part time role for a decade, unable to make that move for a career. In December 2021, I took a risk (metaphorically), and applied for a secondment at work in an area I've always wanted to work in and what my (1st failed) uni course was in when I was 21. Now I have a full time position with a much better salary and I'm picking up the keys to our new bought house in a couple of weeks for me, my husband and our kids after renting for 10+ years.

Most importantly, I am happy and that was always out of reach for me it seemed and only for other people. I am content, love who I am, and my ADHD traits. I see the positive in what was previously only my failings. I work to my strengths now and let go of the crap. My friendship circle has grown and become more diverse as I've realised and accepted that my friendships may not be like the ones you see in the movies but ones that I can manage without constantly feeling like I'm missing out or doing something wrong.

I still have things I struggle with - I have ADHD after all! - but I accept this now and no longer give myself a hard time (well try not to anyway). I'm still obsessive with new interests but look at it positively - it's more fun to know about lots of things rather than sticking to a couple!

I don't want to come across as evangelical about this but it's no exaggeration. My life seemed to be under a permanent dark cloud and I was unfulfilled. Now the sun is always out.

Just to add, since my diagnosis I have wondered where this has come from, i.e. where in my family, as it's generally genetic. I had considered it was likely my Mum's side (I suspect she has inattentive ADHD - I have the combined type). Since talking about my diagnosis with family, I've found out that there has been several diagnoses of this on my Mum's side (cousins and such like).

My latest obsession is my family tree, I found my maternal grandmother's birth family and have been able to speak with them. I discovered that neurodiversity appears in their side, so I've got my answer!

@junipermarten Wow! I loved reading your story and you have definitely inspired me to speak to my Dr!
I can totally relate to lots of what you said. I'm 'all or nothing' and either completely in the zone and super focused and successful at work, or completely bored and unable to focus even though I know I need to. I wish I could find a middle ground and not feel so burnt out.

My last role was a sales role so this played to strengths and I was like a machine and earning well, but after 10 years I crashed and burned.
Having had a break to have my babies, I want to start my own business. I know exactly what I need to do, but just can't get started. It feels like my brain is overwhelmed with juggling the kids, house and work which sounds pathetic as everyone else can manage it.

I also have terrible anxiety which seems to be getting worse over the years. And I feel stressed all the time, even though I have no work stress right now!

Can I ask how long it took for medication to start working, and whether you had any side effects?

My DC's diagnoses of AS and ADHD were an eye opener for me. The team checked the family history for a study and yes, me, my sibling, my parents and one DGM.

@Rachaelrachael I tried a couple of different meds. The first lot didn't agree with me and gave me a racing heart and palpitations so I was changed to another one. That one was much better and the one I'm still on today with a 3rd one as a "top-up" later in the day. This process took maybe 5 months or so all in between changing meds and then finding the right dose of the second one, and giving them time to ensure they were right before "signing me off".

There were side effects with all of them, as their tends to be with most meds. The worst with the ones I'm on now were a very dry mouth and eyes. That reduced significantly, I still get it now but on a much smaller scale where I'm not bothered by it. I just make sure I always have water on me no matter where I go and sometimes use eyedrops. They did affect my appetite to begin with but that was no bad thing as I could afford to lose some weight! That has tapered off now too (unfortunately!) but I probably don't eat as much as I used to. You're closely monitored to begin with weight, BP and pulse checks weekly (I did these myself and reported them), now I get 6 monthly checks by the nurse in my surgery and annual reviews by a private psychiatrist at the company I used originally.

Regarding your anxiety, I haven't had any of that either since my diagnosis etc, apart from "normal" nervousness that people would have.

I realise I'm probably making this sound easy and medication is the answer. It may not be. At the end of the day I still have ADHD and still have difficulties as a result of that. But the medication has helped me significantly with my executive function and giving me the impetus to actually do things as opposed to watching my life passing me by. I used many other tools to support me, including joining FB groups for adults with ADHD, reaching out to others for help, reading a LOT, watching many YouTube videos and listening to podcasts. I also paid for and attended an online 8-week course for ADHD support although only attended about 60% of the sessions as the meds haven't cured all my flakiness! It's a multi-pronged approach as opposed to just having to take 3 tablets a day. Mindfulness has also helped me a great deal.

The meds haven't cured me of my tendency to ramble on either! I will sign off for now but hopefully this has helped you, and others here, a little.

@junipermarten Thank you so much, this has been massively helpful x

Have you had a neuro diversity assessment?
Very common for women to be diagnosed "late". Ie not in childhood. Generally When they cannot keep all the balls in the air because they are so tired from trying to "fit in".

And. Yes. This is me. I was diagnosed with ADHD a few months ago.
However adhders often have other ND traits alongside the adhd ones.

I have many amazing traits. However the flip side can be embarrassing, traumatic and costly. And exhausting.

Worth a chat with your GP. If they are not ND friendly find one that is

Adhd is also very genetic. So worth keeping an eye on your kids in case they have challenges which they could be supported with.

I wish I had known 20/30 years ago. I wonder how my life would have been different.