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Original poster

Feel so sad that I'm not getting on with my 6 year old

37 replies

SushiSuave · 26/10/2022 19:29

I'm looking for some advice really. My son is nearly 7 and I love him to pieces but recently I've found all of our interactions end with him being rude and me getting cross. I don't know how to stop this cycle. I don't know if I'm just being overly strict and expecting him to be perfect which is obviously unfair of me - but I'd also like him to be polite and respectful and I can't just ignore when he is not being these things. I have all the best intentions of having lovely quality time with him and every time it ends up with us both annoyed and not really talking. I want us to be friends but at the moment it feels like we are enemies. I have a very demanding term time job and so look forward to the holidays and spending time with him, but it is never as enjoyable as I envision. I'm feeling genuinely sad tonight. I keep explaining to him that it upsets me when he's rude and he needs to be kind and have manners, and he apologises and then 5 minutes later is being rude again. Any advice with how to deal with this without constantly nagging?

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 26/10/2022 19:32

Can you give some examples of what he's doing/says by that's rude?

Do you think you're putting too much pressure on the time you spend together? Maybe doing too much? Are you trying to force him to go along with the idyllic scenario you have in your head rather than actually doing something he'd enjoy?

Original poster
SushiSuave · 26/10/2022 19:36

He gets easily overwhelmed and that can result in rudeness - eg today we've been to the cinema and then went to McDonald's. He couldn't decide on what he wanted to eat and I had changed his order on the machine twice. Then I told him he had to decide and he said "I'll have nuggets but I won't even eat them." No please, just an entitled attitude and then sat looking miserable and like he was having the worst time. Also I think I'm quite impatient at times and get very frustrated at bedtime when I have to say the same things 5+ times and get angry before he does what he's told. For example I'll give him a 5 minute warning to take the plug out of the bath at bath time, then 2 minutes, 1 minute and then at time up he won't do it unless I get cords or threaten to not let him have story time. I think that's where I'm going wrong - I'm in a cycle of threats and don't know how to change it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SushiSuave · 26/10/2022 19:36

Get cross, not get chords

OP posts:

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Families
Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 26/10/2022 19:39

Have you tried 1 small full attention no nag activity after work? Absolutely no judging op... I make a cuppa then sit with ds8 and either play cards or plan the week end with a list he writes.. Share a few biscuits! Then back to Routine Dm Mode...

MinnyMous · 26/10/2022 19:41

Are you expecting him to make decisions himself that he'd prefer you made for him? Can't you take the bath plug out yourself without the threats, for example?

SapatSea · 26/10/2022 19:41

I agree with Nuffsaid Do you pack in too many activities in the holiday and is there too much pressure and expectation? Remember he is only young, you are the adult so cut him a lot of slack. School can be really overwhelming and stressful for some kids having to always be curtailed and "well behaved" for long, long hours, and they can act out in the holidays when "off the leash."

Praise your son for small things and tell him " it was so lovely when you said/did x... what a thoughtful person you are" etc. to reinforce good behaviour and self esteem - lay off criticising the "rudeness". "Don't sweat the small stuff". Give him cuddles and love and let him know you like and love him. Count to ten and try not to get cross. He's still only little. It's horrid to feel a parent (or anyone)dislikes you or feels you are a disappointment. Be his cheerleader!

Original poster
SushiSuave · 26/10/2022 19:45

Thank you so much for the advice. I'm genuinely feeling terrible tonight because the last thing I want is for him to feel like I don't like him. I grew up feeling unliked but my parents and really don't want to continue that behaviour. He's quite mature for his age at times so I think my expectations are often too high and I don't give him the slack a 6 year old deserves. Oh I feel so bad and sad. I will bear all of this in mind going forward, thank you.

OP posts:
Squashpocket · 26/10/2022 19:49

Really, really identify with this OP. The only thing I can say is that I think you're right about expecting respectful, pleasant behaviour and you should continue to correct your ds accordingly, but that you have to try to remove your feelings from the equation. Try to step back and rise above it. Really hard though I know and I struggle with this as well.

I would love to relax and enjoy my dc (same age as yours). He's wonderful, but it looks like he's going to need lot of parenting before we get to that point!

Original poster
SushiSuave · 26/10/2022 19:53

Yes it's getting the balance I suppose. I've also always had really high expectations of myself due to how I was patented and think I have the same of him as he is like a part of me. But I need to stop worrying about what anyone else thinks. And not lose my temper when those high expectations aren't met. Poor thing - I don't want a child that's a brat, but getting cross and telling him he's behaving like a brat is also not helpful or constructive and I know that. Need to count to 10... or 20 more for sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
SushiSuave · 26/10/2022 19:54

It's nice to know I'm not alone in this.

OP posts:
SBAM · 26/10/2022 19:54

Be kind to yourself - No judgement from me, I think almost everyone has days where they feel like all they do is tell their kid what not to do.

I have found that mine (5 & 2) behave better when they know what the plan is, and what I’m expecting, and their behaviour gets worse if there’s no physical activities, they’re bored/tired/hungry. So I’ve started explaining what we’re going to do and how I need them
to behave eg. We’re going to the shopping centre and it will be very busy so I need you to hold my hand and stay close so I don’t lose you. Then if you’ve behaved nicely we’ll go to the park. Then when we get to the park I remind them about staying away from swings/not pushing other kids.

SBAM · 26/10/2022 20:00

Also, might not work for every child but I’ve started counting to 5. So I give them an instruction (stop
that, come here, put that away) and they might ignore it. I start counting to five, if I get to 5 and they haven’t started to comply then there’s a consequence (something immediate and natural, so we won’t have time for a story, will have to go straight home, Lego will go up the hoover). To start with I used to spell it out before I started counting; now I can often just start counting and they can make a choice between behaving or taking the consequences.

Original poster
SushiSuave · 26/10/2022 20:03

@SBAM I think this is what I've tried to do - natural consequences - but now feel like I'm just constantly threatening "if you don't do x now then you won't get y" and it's draining and causes a miserable atmosphere. And I can see he resents me for it. Perhaps I just do it too often and need to pick my battles more.

OP posts:
AlmostOver22 · 26/10/2022 20:05

I relate so much to this thread - thanks for posting OP. Lots of good ideas on here

Changeee1546789 · 26/10/2022 20:05

Op I have the exact same issue with my DS who is 6. Constant cycle. I’ve read books but I find it so hard to implement them. It’s definitely a knock on effect of how I was parented. One thing I tried that worked is love bombing. We had a special day that was all about him and I focused all of my attention on him - no phone, no distractions. It really brought us closer and I need to try and do it more even if in smaller stretches.

Original poster
SushiSuave · 26/10/2022 20:32

My main objective is to make sure he feels secure and loved and knows that he is the number 1 in my life. But without that making him arrogant or unkind or spoilt. The trials of parenting!!!

OP posts:
FairyLightsNotJustForChristmas · 26/10/2022 21:10

You’re not alone, OP. I feel like this with my 6 year old DS too sometimes.

Something that I’ve started doing with both my DC is our peak and pit of the day. So at bedtime I’ll ask him what was the peak of his day, and we celebrate that and talk about how it felt when he was enjoying that part of the day. Then I ask him what the pit of his day was, and we talk about how he could deal with it better next time.

Its become something that really helps us bond at the end of each day. I really listen and it’s helping me to understand some of his frustrations. Often his peak and his pit aren’t things I thought he’d say. It’s been helpful for me to see the day through his eyes, and it’s genuinely something I look forward to doing. Such a small thing but it’s helping him see me as less of an ogre I think!

Original poster
SushiSuave · 26/10/2022 21:49

That's a lovely idea @FairyLightsNotJustForChristmas, I will try that

OP posts:
Southlandssue · 26/10/2022 22:16

Would love to hear some more ideas here, my day with my nine year old son was exactly the same today

AlmostOver22 · 27/10/2022 08:30

@FairyLightsNotJustForChristmas i love this idea - will try it

converseandjeans · 27/10/2022 08:31

He doesn't sound rude - not pulling the plug out quick enough isn't exactly poor behaviour. Changing his mind in McDonald's isn't exactly naughty. I think you need to pick your battles.

Can you work less in term time so you're not building up expectations of 1-1 time in school hols? It sounds like you're so busy all the time & then expect him to be the perfect child when you're available.

Singleandproud · 27/10/2022 08:41

All behaviour is communication.

In the Mcdonalds example you've given you've said he gets overwhelmed easily, McDs is a place where he is likely to get a massive sensory overload, it's loud, it's bright, there are lots of people and having to decide between a large number of things when he is probably already tired is a lot. Talk about options in the car, if he can decide give him the choice of two things (cheese burger / nuggets, orange juice /milk) etc.

In the bath scenario, just take the plug out yourself. My DD didn't like the plug being taken out whilst she was still sat in the bath and would kick up a fuss until I realised this and got her out first.

Make a mental note of the situation that means he gives a rude response and when you react crossly. Is he tired? Are you? Are either of you stressed for a different reason? I found I got frustrated and cross most when I myself was tired and hungry, sitting down and having a tea or snack and taking 10 minutes for myself made a world of difference.

DisappearingGirl · 27/10/2022 08:43

I wonder if you need to adjust your expectations of him a bit. In my experience a lot of kids are rude and grumpy with their parents some of the time. I know mine (age 8 and 11) sometimes are. Especially when tired or hungry or faced with decisions.

Sometimes I pull them up on it in a minor way (eg "Don't be rude please"). Other times I just let it wash over me (ignore or just say "Mmm" or "Okay").

I don't think I am creating monsters as they are generally polite and kind to other people - and I'm pretty sure they know they would be in huge trouble with me if they weren't. I'm not afraid to tell them off where needed.

But I think these days most kids feel comfortable enough with their parents that they can relax and let out their frustrations a bit.

Aria2015 · 27/10/2022 09:08

I have a 7 year old that can also be prone to not talking nicely. Rather than jump on him every time I say 'can you think of a nicer way of saying that?' If he asks for something in a demanding way or without a please or if I feel he's just being generally rude I'll say 'Try again, more nicely please'. I stay calm and don't raise my voice but speak in a firm in tone. I give him an opportunity to correct himself before getting annoyed and he mostly does, and once he has, I just continue as normal. I've found this leads to much more pleasant interactions because when I was getting annoyed quickly, he was getting defensive quickly or I'd get a sarcastic 'sorry' (which doesn't mean anything).

I save getting annoyed for the few occasions he's intentionally hurtful. I find he takes more notice now and will be more likely to genuinely apologise. I think when I was getting on at him all the time, it just became 'noise' to him and he largely ignored it. Now i'm keeping our interactions much calmer, he pays more attention when I'm not!

LemongrassLollipop · 27/10/2022 09:21

You're not alone. I have found age 6/7 really difficult with my daughter. Lots of stand offs, DH reminding me I need to go easy on her and when I am due on I take it out on her 😥 Last week she made posters of an angry face with 'NO' in capitals and stuck them around the house with blu tack, about 20. I was heartbroken 💔

I've tried pulling back and letting some things go. Also letting her have down time to do what she likes. If that's watching her fave show so be it, even if I want her to do something else.

For now that's working, just until we are back track.

Go easy on yourself... If you're stressed it will manifest in unpredictable ways and your son will pick up on it. Good luck