Hi OP,
A couple of years ago I realised that my relationship with my 3 primary aged DCs had become quite strained. I had started shouting at them quite a bit especially in the mornings when they didn’t do what I asked them to get ready and I felt stressed that we were late, then I’d berate them on the school run for it too. Without ever meaning or wanting it to happen, it reached the point where more of my interactions with them were negative than positive. As a result, the DC became increasingly hostile and argumentative both with me and with each other.
I then went on anxiety medication which made a WORLD of difference. I’m so much calmer and don’t get stressed as much which makes it easier for me to cope in the mornings, stay calmer with them and ensure they get organised and ready without us being late. Not saying that you necessarily have anxiety OP, though it took me the longest time to realise it in myself and can’t recommend Sertraline enough for even mild anxiety.
I also read a couple of thought provoking books: The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, and When Your Child is 6 to 12. They induced much self-reflection and really helped me see the world better from my DCs perspective.
When they start to get angry or emotional about something, I immediately get down to their level now and show empathy for their feelings eg “It must be frustrating for you to find it hard to decide between which meal to choose. I feel for you. But I also want to help the kind staff who work here at MCDonald’s and not confuse them by keep changing the meal option. So let’s decide you have nuggets today and option B next time”. The first book I mentioned makes the point of parents needing to both say what they want to happen as well as also explaining why, especially the personal impact it will have on you.
A PP mentioned love-bombing. I’ve heard good things about this, and although I haven’t followed it properly I do little things for each DC that boost their self esteem. When they go to bed at night, after switching off the light I’ll often whisper in their ear something that made me proud of them that day, however small. Also similar little notes for them to find on their pillow, room, lunchbox etc. They don’t always mention them afterwards, but it helps strengthen our bond. They sometimes leave little messages and notes on my pillow in return now too which is lovely.
I try to precede a nag with a thank you now eg - “you’re a star for finishing your breakfast in good time, it would be great if you could get dressed now thanks”.
Basically, just keep looking for anything to praise so you have more positive interactions than negatives. I have a great relationship with all 3 DCs now and they are much kinder and sweeter to each other too.