Tips on parenting an ADHD child?

[majorcamaiden]

I was diagnosed with ADHD in my 40's, am now medicated and honestly it has made such a difference to me. I made my way through life always trying my best, often never succeeding at anything and being told I just had to try harder. It's soul destroying when all you do is try try try, only to be told it's not good enough and to try even harder - especially when you see others trying half as much and succeeding with their dreams.

My son is 11 and I am sure he has ADHD and possibly ASD. Long story short - my husband is extremely dismissive of me even remotely suggesting this and I am yelled at and threatened and told he doesn't and that he's nothing like me. He will not allow me to pursue a diagnosis for the time being. But my son has issues and they're impacting our whole family - me for one as I find his actions very stressful. Husband just brushes them off as normal childhood behaviour and makes me feel crazy for questioning it.

I feel my son is about 2-3yrs less in maturity that his actual age. He has a very kind heart, but is an anxious boy. He doesn't like to be left alone, is often still comfortable to have us come and sit with him in the bathroom for a chat while he has his shower or asks us to accompany him to a public restroom and sometimes will only come in the ladies with me instead of using the mens. Sometimes he is totally fine though and will use the men's and be quite independent.

He is obsessive about song lyrics / phrases. Will find one that he thinks is catchy and will repeat it over and over again to the point I want to scream or strangle him. I ask him 100 times a day to stop. He may or may not. If he does it will only be for a short amount of time before he starts again and I get angry and then he'll claim he didn't know or that nobody told him. This also happens with clapping and thumping on sofas, chairs, beds, etc.

Everything revolves around poop, pee and general stupid talk. It's got so bad that his little sister copies him so now there are two children laughing and giggling about poopy on your head, and poopy bum or poopy on you. It's just all f-ing poop all the time. This has been going on for 2-3 years and as above, no matter how many times I ask he doesn't stop (for long) until I have to lose my shit and start screaming and then everyone is miserable and I seem terrible. But it is sensory overload for me to the point I feel so overwhelmed I want to cry. I have tried to explain that once perhaps it's funny, twice maybe, but 3,4,5 times it's no longer funny

He asks for things repeatedly despite being told no. Similar to above he just does not understand when to stop. He's constantly asking for the computer / iPad / phone etc even when told no. 5 mins later he will ask again and when we get angry he says he didn't know or he just wants to use them.

He's constantly provoking his sister and winding her up. He will say something mean, call her a dumb name, lie to upset her just to get a rise out of her and make her upset. I'm assuming this is to increase his dopamine levels as ADHD'ers lack dopamine. It's disruptive to the whole family.

Can anyone relate? Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this behaviour? I'm at my wits end. No punishment so far has seemed to work.

Bumping for the evening 🤞🏻

Apply for a diagnosis behind your dh's back. Get any post sent to a friend's address.. Your dh is a twat.

Seek legal advice if he finds out and tries to stop it.

I can suggest various things that might help you with parenting your son (the book 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, I found extremely useful), but what stood out to me from your post is the part about your husband.

So you are diagnosed, you find medication helpful, ADHD is highly heritable, you suffered lots of avoidable misery...and your husband won't discuss it? That is awful - such a rejection of you 😞.

A lot of this sounds like my daughter. Diagnosed dyspraxic but not adhd although I suspect it.

I just try and tell myself she cannot help it - I'm sure she will get where she wants in life. by just grinding other people down.....

She also gets quite anxious and again seems very young for age. I was really worried about her secondary start this year but I think she's found her group of similar friends.

Hello, I’m no expert but my 6yo son has ASD and possibly ADHD and I can give tips on the behaviours they share!

Re the poop talk - I tell them they can talk poop as much as they want as long as they go in the bathroom or garden. So the boys (my daughter is older and not remotely interested) will spend a lot of time in the bathroom or garden - gets it out of my earshot!
This obviously only works at home.. it’s not so bad any more but when it used to be bad out and about I would pre-empt it by saying they could get it all out in the car on the way there - and I would join in. We would all talk about poo and wee and bums and willies as much as we possibly could and that seemed to provide a necessary release!

Similarly with the song lyrics, thumping etc. There’s no point telling him not to so find a way that he can do it that works for you, whether that’s in his room or some other space that’s out of your ear shot.

We don’t have the problem with asking for things over and over but what about making him a visual timetable with iPad time built in OR give him tokens for 5 minutes iPad and when he’s run out of tokens he’s done for the day?

The provoking sibling stuff can happen with NT kids too, I highly recommend the book How to Talk - Sibling Rivalry - what also has helped us in that regard is focusing on the positive sibling interactions and praising them massively. From time to time I keep a book of sibling kindness and write down anything kind the kids do for each other in it, however minor.

Sorry that was very long but I hope there’s something useful in there!

I’ll preface this by saying that I am by no means an expert, but there are certain activities you can do to improve executive function in kids, some of which are games like Simon says, etc.

Also, does he get a lot of exercise? Maybe being more physically tired might help a bit, and you can also set him “moving” challenges, like running 3 times around the house or doing X star jumps when
he gets in one of those moods.

Gosh I somehow missed the part about your husband. That is awful. Really, really awful. Does your son witness that at all?

Please help your DS and seek a diagnosis, My DH and both now adult DC all have. ADHD and ASD. Each presents differently even with the same diagnosis, the children both had QB test screening and mapped virtually identically but present differently because they are male/female and the two sexes are recognised as presenting in different ways

Have you considered further assessment yourself, you sound quite sensorily defensive which may be an indication of ASD or sensory processing disorder which is not uncommon as the conditions go hand in hand

Firstly, your husband sounds like an absolute twat and I expect you would find the situation less stressful if he were more supportive.

Secondly, think about your needs and those of your DC. Where are those needs being met, or are they unmet? @CoveredInCobwebs has some great tips about how to direct the behaviour which you are struggling with so that it is less overwhelming for you. But you should also think about how to take care of yourself which should help you feel more robust / less overwhelmed.

Visuals are great, and should help with the repetition eg 'Can I have the iPad?' can be answered by directing him to a visual timetable. Social stories may help with the behaviour towards his sister.

I feel for you! I also got an ADHD diagnosis in my 40s and have a DS with SEND.

Good luck

Your husband is a real problem here. Diagnosis is so important for a child to develop self awareness and understanding for themselves and how they function. My husband was a bit blasé at the start because I picked up on the signs before him but he quickly got on board because he respected my views.

On the poop talk you have my utmost sympathy, it is all farts in our house.

Parent to an ADHD child here. I would recommend watching videos by Dr. Russell Barkley on you tube - he is one of the foremost experts in ADHD in the world and I found his presentations very informative and helpful.

The 2-3 year ‘deficit’ in maturity you mention is a recognised thing - Dr Barkley refers to ADHD children and teenagers as acting around 30% younger than their chronological ages.

I would try to pursue a diagnosis if you can. Difficulties in getting DHs on board are more common than you might think (my own included). The psychiatrist who diagnosed my own son commented on its frequency - she wasn’t sure why but based on her own experience felt they are generally a year behind mothers in accepting there’s an issue. Your DH will come round I hope.

Thank you all for your replies. I will definitely check out some of those resources. As for the diagnosis I waited over 2yrs for mind on the NHS before giving up and paying my savings into a private diagnosis. I cannot afford to do the same for my son at the moment.

I have tried several times to get my son a diagnosis. Once a couple years ago through the NHS where they wanted his school to fill out some supporting forms. One of the forks came to the house for me to give to the school and my husband flipped out at me threatening me and basically scaring mr into withdrawing my request for assessment. A year or so later I tried again, but that time the GP said it was all done through the school now. I spoke to one of the teachers closest to my son and she was shocked to hear me mention my that I thought my son had adhd. She said she'd speak to the other teachers and get back to me which she did and said that non of them had any concerns.

Basically I believe my son has learned how to mask his behaviour very well at school but it all comes crashing down at home. I also know my husband badmouths me to my son by suggesting to him that is he continues to behave that way I ('mum') will start to worry and call the doctor 😑

I don't know what to do now. Basically any hope of me getting my son diagnosis rests on a private one. My husband is so adamant that my son does not have it that I'm not really able to even mention it anymore without it causing a huge argument which leaves me feeling like absolutely shit and questioning everything including my sanity and gut instinct. My husband barely even agrees that adhd is a real thing and aside from asking me what the doctor said during my diagnosis (I told him yes he said I have it) he has not asked me anything else nor showed any interest in learning more about it or the complexities it presents. He does not agree with medication and aside from knowing I take it has never asked me about it once. I have not willingly shared anything either as he's so judgemental and I know he's a massive skeptic so he has no idea what a massive improvement medication has made for me with my career and day job.

He likes to go against the grain and look behind the issues rather than just diagnose and medicate them. He saw a famous adhd doctor on the Joe Rogan podcast who has shah himself but said that medication (a specific one) made him severely depressed and anxious and the doctor is insistent that adhd is caused by emotional abandonment and emotional distress very early on in childhood and is not hereditary. I think my husband jumped to a whole lot of conclusions and although he ordered the doctors book without even telling me (I saw it on his bedside table and have never brought it up) I think he purchased it expecting to find answers that would side with his thoughts and assumptions when in reality the doctor agrees that adhd is very much a real thing. I don't necessarily agree with everything in his book but he has some sound findings in it. I ordered my own copy and read it all so I could be up to speed on any fact-spewing my husband threw my way. I just think my husband expected the book to side more with his feelings that adhd doesn't really exist 😕

@majorcamaiden have you listened or read anything Gabor Mate has written on ADHD. He is a world renowned expert on ADHD and he says that there are significant environmental components to the condition. The reason I say that is your husband sounds quite abusive towards you and you sound somewhat unaware of that. The more you write the more difficult the situation with your husband sounds and I think it is possible that your DS is responding to that situation.

I have thought about potential ASD for myself but I have done a lot of online tests and research and have scored low on them all.

It's only been recently in the last couple years where I have been so overwhelmed that I would consider myself to have sensory issues. I'm not even sure if this is due to peri-menopause? Although saying that I have never liked the feeling of someone trying to touch me or cuddle with me in bed while I'm sleeping. I don't find it relaxing and my husband likes shame me for this as well pointing out that I'm un affectionate etc. I love holding hands, cuddling during A movie etc but not with him any more lol. I used to. I enjoy it with the kids but when it comes time to sleep I don't like anyone touching me as it makes me really hot and constricts my space .

I have started to wear ear plugs in the car to dulll down the screaming and squealing coming from the back of the car when my kids are there and my son is winding my daughter up. I can still hear everyone but it's just not as overwhelming. Husband as usual likes to make an issue out of that in front of everyone and shame me by saying I'm trying to isolate myself from the family and points out I don't want to talk to anyone etc. he Fucking does my head in with this shit and purposely puts me down in front of the children

Hi OP I have been referred for asd/adhd assessment.

anyway your husband sounds is an abusive twat. I think if he’s out of the picture your son will get the help he needs and also important, you will also get the help you need. But I think you know that.

Yes I have. That's the book I was talking about in my post above where I think my husband was expecting to read that adhd was all a croc of shit or could easily be cured. He has only got to page 6 whereas I have finished the book. I am certain my husband is a major contributing factor to my sons anxiety and behaviour but my son is smitten with him most of the time. He's a very hands on dad and does most of the children's activities with them and spends the most time with them while I work. Something my husband reminds me of constantly and is a big defence mechanism in any argument because he uses it against me that I'm not as present in the children's lives, he's better at doing things with them and knows what's going on with everything and school where my adhd makes me
Very forgetful and I find it very difficult to keep track of the children's activities and what day certain uniforms are worn etc. it's all used against me and he's constantly saying I'm in my own little world 😕

I came on to give advice as an ADHD mum of a child with ADHD.

However, I think what you actually need to do is find a way to leave your husband. Trauma and shouting is the first thing to remove from the life of a child who may have ADHD (or any child in fact). Can you find a way to leave?

Oh my God @majorcamaiden he is absolutely awful. I’m so sorry to hear that. I’m sure both you and your son are badly affected by his behaviour.

Your husband sounds shit. Sorry.

Just seen the thing about not keeping up with the childrens activities. Get yourself a calendar app and out everything in it you get from school, information wise. Check the school website too. I know you won't remember, but your app can beep at you to remind you.

It really sounds like your husband is competitive parenting at you. He sounds so mean.

I don't know what else I can do really except try and get my son and my husband some help. How can I make my husband accept adhd and realise it's a condition and help to understand it?

I agree with what many of you have said and did have 6 weeks phone therapy on the NHS where they agreed his behaviour is unacceptable and abusive. I never told him I had that until I snapped one day in the middle of an argument about 6-8 months after I had it and told him his behaviour was unacceptable and had been deemed emotional abuse by a therapist who advised me to contact women's aid. As usual he blasted me and still does for the mere suggestion that he was abusive and still tells me how he's never been so hurt or felt so shit for me saying those things to him (I'm - the truth!?!?) when all he does is cover for me and do his best for the children and our family. I have never disputed that he doesn't do his best for us and provides us with a very nice life. And generally when he's not being a complete dick he's very caring and nice. But that doesn't stop him from being a dick and harming me and everyone else with his verbal and emotional abuse. I just need to get him to understand that.

Is there some kind of therapy I can sign up to that will address this and make him realise his behaviour is unacceptable?

Leaving him really isn't an option for me

Tip 1 - don't call them an 'ADHD child'. It doesn't define them. They are a child with ADHD not an ADHD child.

Oh gosh OP. Your husband sounds really scary and aggressive. Have you been able to tell anyone else what it's like at home? Would you consider contacting Women's Aid? Are you safe; are your devices secure? Do you have access to money?

You can't change someone's mind when they're determined you're wrong. You can only change your own reaction.

Your husband's behaviour is hugely detrimental to your son. No amount of therapy will stop someone being an arsehole.

You need to get yourself into a place where you can put your son first. I would write down everything you've written here and request a meeting with the school senco to start with and then find a way to end your marriage to give your son the best chance.

If leaving him isn’t an option then you need to seriously toughen up and not seek his approval or permission for anything nevermind an assessment for your son. When he’s vile to you just tell him to shut up or walk out of the room, can you do that? Otherwise you may as well accept things will get far worse for your son.