Tips on parenting an ADHD child?

[majorcamaiden]

I was diagnosed with ADHD in my 40's, am now medicated and honestly it has made such a difference to me. I made my way through life always trying my best, often never succeeding at anything and being told I just had to try harder. It's soul destroying when all you do is try try try, only to be told it's not good enough and to try even harder - especially when you see others trying half as much and succeeding with their dreams.

My son is 11 and I am sure he has ADHD and possibly ASD. Long story short - my husband is extremely dismissive of me even remotely suggesting this and I am yelled at and threatened and told he doesn't and that he's nothing like me. He will not allow me to pursue a diagnosis for the time being. But my son has issues and they're impacting our whole family - me for one as I find his actions very stressful. Husband just brushes them off as normal childhood behaviour and makes me feel crazy for questioning it.

I feel my son is about 2-3yrs less in maturity that his actual age. He has a very kind heart, but is an anxious boy. He doesn't like to be left alone, is often still comfortable to have us come and sit with him in the bathroom for a chat while he has his shower or asks us to accompany him to a public restroom and sometimes will only come in the ladies with me instead of using the mens. Sometimes he is totally fine though and will use the men's and be quite independent.

He is obsessive about song lyrics / phrases. Will find one that he thinks is catchy and will repeat it over and over again to the point I want to scream or strangle him. I ask him 100 times a day to stop. He may or may not. If he does it will only be for a short amount of time before he starts again and I get angry and then he'll claim he didn't know or that nobody told him. This also happens with clapping and thumping on sofas, chairs, beds, etc.

Everything revolves around poop, pee and general stupid talk. It's got so bad that his little sister copies him so now there are two children laughing and giggling about poopy on your head, and poopy bum or poopy on you. It's just all f-ing poop all the time. This has been going on for 2-3 years and as above, no matter how many times I ask he doesn't stop (for long) until I have to lose my shit and start screaming and then everyone is miserable and I seem terrible. But it is sensory overload for me to the point I feel so overwhelmed I want to cry. I have tried to explain that once perhaps it's funny, twice maybe, but 3,4,5 times it's no longer funny

He asks for things repeatedly despite being told no. Similar to above he just does not understand when to stop. He's constantly asking for the computer / iPad / phone etc even when told no. 5 mins later he will ask again and when we get angry he says he didn't know or he just wants to use them.

He's constantly provoking his sister and winding her up. He will say something mean, call her a dumb name, lie to upset her just to get a rise out of her and make her upset. I'm assuming this is to increase his dopamine levels as ADHD'ers lack dopamine. It's disruptive to the whole family.

Can anyone relate? Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this behaviour? I'm at my wits end. No punishment so far has seemed to work.

Involving the school was the biggest issue for my husband. He was adamant that doing so would prevent my son from being accepted into his chosen private secondary school. He's only been there now since September so I'm not sure how much they'll be able to help. My husband will throw a fit if he finds out, but I don't have any choice really.

My sons behaviour is so disruptive. Even this morning I woke up to him waking the entire family with his shrieking and high pitched noises and then him jumping on his sister in bed and her whining and yelling for him to stop. He just doesn't understand how to stop 😔

Also I do leave the room because I don't like arguing. He often picks arguments and calls me names in front of the children. Once calling me a toxic horrible person in the car in front of the kids over something so stupid. I sit there and take it and don't bite back because I don't want to argue in front of the kids but he keeps at it trying to make his point. 😔 That night he had the balls to ask me if we could have sex. I pretty much told him to fuck off but not in those words lol. But yes I often leave the room but he holds this against me and says I just storm away when things get difficult 😕

Your abusive, gaslighting H will not change. You can only change your response to it preferably by leaving him

You're more likely to have issues from lack of a diagnosis because obvious physically hyper ADHD behaviour and poor executive function will attract negative reactions. Where ADHD is diagnosed, there is more scope for reasonable adjustments to find more effective methods, and defuse awkward situations. It supports people to work smarter rather than the toll of working harder for scant progress.

By blocking diagnostic pathways your H is doing significant harm across all aspects of your DC's life. That's aside from the other harmful power play going on.

My sons behaviour is so disruptive. Even this morning I woke up to him waking the entire family with his shrieking and high pitched noises and then him jumping on his sister in bed and her whining and yelling for him to stop. He just doesn't understand how to stop

Once calling me a toxic horrible person in the car in front of the kids over something so stupid. I sit there and take it and don't bite back because I don't want to argue in front of the kids but he keeps at it trying to make his point.

If you stay and behave like this you are teaching your DD that she means nothing. That her saying no isn't worth doing and that she should just not bother. And your DS. Bear in mind that the scariest statistic for me, borne out by time I spend working with young offenders, is that boys with ADHD are twice as likely to spend time in prison. With an abusive dad, I'm willing to bet that number is much higher.

Just don't find yourself with a violent son at 18 saying, "I wish I'd left his dad 10 years ago".

As an aside, you mention your son has started his new school in September. I'd say it's worth contacting their learning support team to at least carry out an assessment or monitoring.

OP,
The irony is, your DH probably is on the ASD spectrum himself?
My emotionally abusive ex certainly is, and members of his family show ASD traits but are such narrow minded, black and white thinkers it's everybody else thats got issues or strange, not them of course 😂.

Even now after divorce, he still tries to undermine me to our ASD teenager, by saying I'm insulting the child be sending them to appropriate SEND activities, that I'm dumbing them down, that they don't need to hang out with kids with wheelchair disabilities. It's unbelievable, it's like stepping back into 1950s Britain with his prejudice attitudes.

Op would be better without her husband, consider divorce, don't stay just for the kids.

But don't do anything straight away. Sounds like you need to build yourself up first, get support systems in place. Friendship building, contact social worker, social services, senco at school, woman's aid, because he sounds coercive controlling, towards you. I hope he doesn't have full control of the finances as that's a huge red flag.

Eat well, try and sleep well, make an action plan and list, and get a social worker for your child if you haven't already done so, and agree to meet them when husband isn't at home.

Good luck x

P.s
My child was also diagnosed ADHD at 7 and I was told to get melatonin for sleep for them, as they were bouncing off the walls, repeating sentences etc all evening till nearly 11pm then crash and be emotional exhausted for school the next day. A kind senco at school suggested going to Dr for melatonin. I had to push paediatrician for them and be very pushy, explaining how exhausted they were next day and how frazzled my nerves were, you really have to lay it on the line and tell them your worst day with said child, otherwise you get dismissed, ignored.

Anyway as soon as she was on melatonin, we got our evenings back, she was fast asleep at 7.30pm. still takes it now in her teens, it's calmed the hyperactivity right down, she's not on any stimulants, getting proper sleep helps her brain development and gives her brain some respite I suspect.

We tried Ritalin when she was 7 and didn't think it did much for her. Her hyperactivity isn't so bad it's mild , it's her severe sensory that's worse and autism obsessions with things and tv programs, rigid timetable.