Do hoarders have special awareness which differs from the norm?

[TheLightSideOfTheMoon]

DP has hoarding tendencies. Mostly it’s contained in his room - a room chosen for this purpose.

However, every now and then he’ll get upset because the room is ‘messy’. But he won’t remove anything. He can’t understand that it’s not just a tidiness issue, the stuff WILL NOT FIT onto shelves/into cupboards.

It’s almost as though he expects the space to grow to accommodate the stuff. Obviously it won’t.

Is this normal? Because it’s frustrating.

Do hoarders not look at other rooms or other people’s homes and just observe that there are fewer things?

What’s the deal?

@TheVanguardSix what a terribly sad situation. I hope you are able to find some peace once you finish the task.

My DH has hoarding tendencies, as does my FIL.

My DH has a much stronger emotional attachment and memory attachment to his belongings than I do. He believes if he throws things away, he will forget his past, but also he will loose a part of himself.

He hoards a lot of media. For instance, one of the things he hoards is books. Many of the books he has never even read, but he won't part with them. He treats each book like it is the last copy of that book in the world, so it would be a travesty to part with it. I have actually seen him upset when he has been asked to go through his books and get rid of a few (we were moving house so there was a reason for this). He will tell you when he bought the book, and where, and say it was a happy experience, so he can't get rid of it. And even though he has never read it he intends to (and yet he has still never read it!!). Same with vinyl, cds, cassettes, videos, dvds. We have so many and they're all his. He has memories and intentions attached to each one.

But he also hoards rubbish, like flyers, free magazines, packaging etc.

He also hates minimalist houses. He has criticised friend's houses saying "I don't trust them, where is all their stuff?" which makes no sense to me. He obviously equates belongings with personality, and feels unsure about people who have few belongings.

I dont know if it's relevant, but we have 2 autistic children, so there's a chance DH could have some traits or be autistic, but he's never been assessed so I couldn't say either way.

My DD who is definitely autistic shows similar hoarding tendencies to DH, she certainly can't get rid of anything with a face (like a previous poster) so she owns loads of soft toys, and won't get rid of any unless she's giving it to someone she knows who will look after it 😉 This might just be a general personality trait than an autistic trait though.

@XenoBitch, many hoarders start as collectors. I absolutely believe you can hoard good things as well as rubbish. The difference between a hoarder and a collector is that a collector will display their treasures and keep them in an orderly manner. They also know when to stop a collection because there is no room for anything else. A hoarder does not necessarily have rubbish - my husband does not for one. However, he over buys things whether or not we need them and there is not enough room for them in those quantities. If your craft supplies are kept tidily and you know where everything is then you do not have a hoard. If, however, your craft supplies are all over the house, in most if not all of the rooms in your house and you carry on buying them and find it difficult/impossible to get rid of any, you have a hoard.

I would say my PIL are hoarders. In there case I suspect its linked to the death of their young child.

My Mum is a hoarder. I actually think it started from being very poor growing up, and continuing to be poor when she was left as a young single mother. Nothing could be thrown away in case it could have a future use. All old ripped clothes became cleaning cloths. Old toothbrushes were kept in case we needed paint brushes. Every bit of tin foil or cling film she's ever used has been washed and used again and again.
Now it's gone beyond that, but she can't stop hoarding.
She likes other people's tidy houses, but can't translate it to her own. As someone else said earlier, she blames the house for being too small. It's not small.

I have hoarding tendencies and in my case it's definitely linked to previous trauma and lack of control when a child. My father was in the military and we moved a lot but by the time I was 8 or so, they wouldn't tell me until they absolutely had to because I hated it. Dad was often already at his new base in a different country when mum would tell me and I'd have to sort my stuff into three piles, one to go, one to store and one to take before the removers arrived. Whilst a lot of other stuff happened around that, I think that's the root for me plus I think I grew to associate throwing stuff out with leaving friends sometimes without saying goodbye (because of the short notice). Had a lot of therapy for various aspects of my childhood plus trauma which happened later but I still struggle. Drives dh up the wall because he's a minimalist who doesn't understand why I can't read a book and then get rid of it. He thinks we have at least 40 percent too much stuff for our relatively big house.

It’s a mental illness and agonising to live with. There are many reasons why,different for all. It must be terrible for all involved.
it deserves lots of compassion,support and understanding.which sadly it lacks from those on the outside.
mand like many many mental health conditions it’s not for rhebeffort orbsupport behind it and is rife with stigmatic views which only worsen it.

My mum has hoarding tendencies and I just wanted to say thank you for explaining and being open about what drives these behaviours. It's been really inciteful.

Alexandria94 Thank you for your kind words. They are truly appreciated. 💐

As I’m emptying out all of his stuff, I’m acutely aware of my mortality and the mess I don’t want to leave behind for my kids to face down the road. While I’m dehoarding, I’m also clearing out my own things. The kids have had one difficult parent to contend with (hoarding, abuse, prison). I feel this intense need to make my own life as streamlined and uncomplicated as possible.

My mum is a hoarder and it definitely accelerated when she had a stroke years ago. The stuff she buys absolutely fills an emotional hole but i think she has always had a tendency to hoard.

It has got so bad I find it very hard to visit what once was a beautiful family home and has led to several huge arguments as she simply will not address the mess.

It is a terrible mental illness and it has really affected my dad who just has to live with the mess. As a result I hate any mess and get quite panicky if my house is untidy.

I often lay awake at night worrying about my parents house and the fact they're both elderly and clearly can't manage it anymore.

Can't help with hoarders' psychology. But it's written spatial.
www.yourtherapysource.com/blog1/2017/07/30/5-ways-to-develop-spatial-awareness/

@Chloefairydust that's a brilliant way to make someone worse!!!

I can understand the clutter being annoying, but people who hoard, don't do it for fun, it's already a problem for them too, breaking the trust with them just compounds the issues they have already.

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon

Have a watch of Dana K Whites YouTube videos. If he will watch too, all the better, but if he's not keen, watch as many as you can & select the ones you think he will resonate best with.

she's all about decluttering without mess, decluttering not 'organising' (though things get organised by following her decluttering method. She's life changing.

it's not a lack of spatial awareness, but her container theory will help!

My husband is a hoarder, he hoards clothes, coats and shoes. He has about 100 pairs of shoes, still keeps buying more, about 50 coats, 50 or more hats, 50 pairs of jeans... maybe more

We have a special room for his hoarding but it keeps spilling over, he starts hanging things over the door until it literally spills out. He currently keeps about 30 pairs of his shoes in a big pile next to his side of the bed

I don't even know what to do about it

No idea

I think he has an addictive personality maybe, he also struggles to control his drinking, and he keeps on "having" to buy new clothes

DS has started wearing some of his stuff, but that only encourages him to buy more

Is there even a solution? It does stress me in terms of money and just the chaos of the sheer quantity of it all (and the fact it seems to be getting worse)

We thought I had ocd hoarding but recently worked out I have adhd hoarding which is vastly different. Don’t hoarders have executive function problems and unsure how to organise and sort / get rid of stuff. Now I understand my brain better I sort with someone and I get their advice on what to get rid of / what to keep and how to sort it all. Life changing.

@XenoBitch i agree my ex neighbour is a hoarder and when the council evicted him it was just rubbish
it was pilled high to the ceilings
so much that the council had to put in brand new staircase and a brand new roof as he had over the years got a leak that damaged the rest of the house
honestly I have never seen so much rubbish in my life
you couldn’t actually work out what anything was
bits of wood metal but loads of of
it took the council almost 2 weeks to clear the house completely

*@Chloefairydust that's a brilliant way to make someone worse!!!

I can understand the clutter being annoying, but people who hoard, don't do it for fun, it's already a problem for them too, breaking the trust with them just compounds the issues they have already*

I'm glad someone pointed this out. Hoarders will not thank you for 'helping' like this, they'll probably go out and replace what was thrown away. What's 'clutter' to you, @Chloefairydust are valued possessions to a hoarder and no-one has any right to march in and start throwing things away.

Does your do see it as a problem,want to get better.
is he able to discuss it with you together and be open as to why? Has he come to terms with your need for him to heal?

My PIL hoard. Their house is absolutely full of stuff.

MIL is acutely aware that me and DP have less stuff. She finds it strange and regularly comments on the lack of ornaments/photos etc. We aren't minimalists by any means but don't see the point of having stuff for the sake of it.

There's been a long running saga with MIL hoarding by proxy and trying to fob stuff on to us now she has filled her house. We refused a chest of drawers as we didn't need it. She just won't stop going on about how we had space next to our chimney breast for it.

The person I know with hoarding tendencies seems to see space as something that needs to be filled

This struck a chord with me. I am a not a hoarder, I do not have piles of crap, or useless stuff everywhere. However I do like things and I do relate to the idea that space needs to be filled.

For me, walls need colour or interesting wallpaper. Blank walls need pictures. Shelves need books/ornaments/display pieces. I will have as much furniture as a room allows, while still having space to walk around. Rugs, throws, cushions. Things on the kitchen work surfaces that serve a purpose and/or look nice. These things make me happy.

I’m a bit fed up with minimalism being seen as somehow “virtuous” whilst having things is seen as the opposite, something to be “cured”. Fair enough if it’s genuinely useless stuff like stacks of old newspapers or empty milk cartons. Or if it’s having a detrimental effect on others who live there, as long as it isn’t the minimalist who’s being unreasonable! (Like the pp whose husband wants to throw out every book she reads! That to me borders on controlling). Otherwise let people live as they want.

My house doesn’t feel cluttered or cramped to me. To a minimalist it might. But that’s just tough! Their homes with little in them and devoid of any personality depress me! But I don’t have to live there, just as others don’t have to live in my house.

@Fuwari I think there’s a difference between having lots of stuff because you like it and hoarding. I don’t have lots of ornaments because I don’t like that kind of thing.

However, I have a loft full of stuff that has no use and I’ve no reason to keep it but I can’t throw it away.

My DP isn't so much a hoarder but a hunter gatherer. He admits he really enjoys the hunt for an item - which is usually for a project for his house or hobby. The hoarding bit is that with so many projects on the go he finishes too few, so the stuff piles up. Even when the need for an item has passed or he's already found one he can easily be sidetracked by the sight of another. He does get a bit overwhelmed by it all occasionally and will have an occasional 'stock reduction' -definitely not a clear out. And to be fair he has made good money with items on eBay he bought years ago and never got around to using.

Not that I can talk, when it comes to books, I can't bear to part with them, even the ones I didn't bother to finish. And I read a lot of books.

My mother is a chaotic hoarder, it's emotional for her. Every piece of paper. Every craft stall item she's bought out of politeness, without really wanting it.

My father owns a huge amount of possessions, but they do serve a purpose. His tool shed is organised, but massive. His modelling room is beautifully laid out with all the equipment needed to make model ships. The attic is full of model ships. The library is full of books, wall to wall, piles on the floor.

Between them the house clearance, when that comes, will be a nightmare.
I think of my mother as being a hoarder and my father as being a collector. But the end result is a mountain of stuff.

And then there's the expenditure it represents.
every craft stall bit of pottery...£?? Spent.
Every precision measuring caliper £20? Spent

Am I supposed to Ebay it all when they die?

There are companies that can help clear this specifically.they ate trained in hoarding clear outs.both for alive sufferers and deceased help.

‘I’ll eBay it’. Don’t get stuck down that dead end. It’s the stuff of procrastinating hoarders dreams.