How did you mitigate financial impact on DC after LTB?

[RunningToNotFrom]

I am interested to hear from women who have left their relationships in circumstances which meant a significant drop in living standards and security, as well as logistical upheaval for themselves and their children.

How, if at all, were you able to mitigate the impact on your children of such a move? How has it worked out? Any unforeseen hardships, or even benefits, I should consider?

For context:
I am thinking of leaving DP of 20 years, the father of our 2 DC (pre/teen). I am higher earner by a whisker, both public service professionals, late 40s) on very modest salaries.

He insists on a 50/50 split of assets (savings and sale of small 3-bed semi, both would walk away with approx £180k).

Neither of us can buy the other out.

Neither will be able to buy anywhere in a 10 mile radius of our area, not even somewhere tiny with a mortgage.

Options are complete relocation or financial insecurity in private rented.

I feel reluctant to completely relocate out of county / area on account of my job (education, no option to WFH remotely), DC schools and friends, SEN support and caring responsibilities for aging parents.

Private rented would be financially crippling; I would need to spend the money from the sale of the house and savings on rent, thus scuppering any hope of ever buying again. Yet I think this is the only option and I'm gutted that everything I've worked for is going to go down the pan.

We already live pretty frugally, so it's not as if the DC are used to a life of abundance; but they know we can pay our bills and buy essentials. I'm loathed to take this basic security away from them. I know it's the right thing to do, but feel so unreasonable for thinking of uprooting us all. There's no DV, but DP is so hard to live with: hot and cold and often grumpy, bossy and blaming. Tried all avenues to work on relationship, no dice.

Anyone up for sharing honest (and hopefully encouraging) accounts of post-LTB when financial outlook is bleak?

I got a second job and I'm using the money made in that to clear the thousands on interest free credit card debts I've accrued. I don't regret leaving him though and I didn't have the equity that you have.

Can the DC share a room at all? If so, I’d be surprised if you couldn’t afford a 2 bed flat within a 10 mile radius of your current location, if location is priority over property. Even central London has 2 beds within 10 miles for under £280k (I’ve assumed you’re on at least £25k so could get £100k mortgage, plus your equity)

Wouldn’t be ideal, but saves wiping your equity out paying rent.

Is it amicable and can you work on a solution together? And what's his plan, as presumably he has the same dilemma and will need at least a 2 bed place to house them for half of the week.
I was thinking if it was amicable you could discuss both relocating, or buying/renting a studio flat and doing birds nest parenting.
Otherwise your options sound limited. I'd relocate rather than spend the equity on rent, but that would be a hard decision

You need to re think thecrental, it's got disaster written all over it.

Ludicrous to blow 180k equity on renting.

Are you 100% sure you cant buy something within 10 miles?

Could you look into bird nesting until the teens go to uni?

Who are the children living with? Is that 50/50 if not you may be entitled to more.

Thanks for your responses!
It won't be amicable, DP has form for being deliberately awkward.
He also has no plans to get accommodation big enough to have DC part time, although he expects to have them. They'll just have to fit in where he decides to settle. And that's on me, as I'm the one wanting to leave, apparently.
DC can't share with eachother (SEN) but one could share with me, or I could sleep discreetly in livingroom.
Re mortgage, that is encouraging! Yes, earn more than 25k, but every online mortgage calculator I use refuses to lend me more than £76k despite excellent credit rating and no outstanding debt. As soon as I input my 'dependants' the offer dramatically decreases. I think I need to speak to lenders in person.

I think you need better legal advice. He can't insist on a 50/50 split of assets with kids involved. Is he paying maintenance?

No wonder you're leaving him, he sounds like a dick.

10 miles isn't very far! I'm 10 miles from my nearest city and most my neighbours commute there (I work in a small town 7 miles away). We couldn't afford the city prices but have a nice house where we live.

Also look at shared equity

Any way of dividing up your current property so that he is living separately from you? Consult an architect? Or do you want a clean break?

Definitely need good legal advice.

Have a chat to local housing associations too.

Why, we're not married, so no 'entitlement' as such. I've always been the higher earner (although not a high earner, if you see what I mean).
I suspect DP might start out thinking he'll want 50/50 but may reduce as his work pattern will make it awkward to organise regular days.

I've thought about getting a second job. I'm a teacher, so tricky in term time as already work all hours, and 1DC has SEN but maybe in the summer holidays? I'll look into it.

Definitely would aim to buy if possible. Think a two bed and you could sleep downstairs (obviously not ideal but maybe if it has a dining area?) Would try to broaden out your search area. Any way of doing tutoring to supplement income?

Oh he’ll ask for 50:50, but in reality if he’s a twat it’ll end up being 98:2 in your favour.

presumably he’s NOT a legal wizard and is just spouting shite. For some reason they get themselves into such a state they end up on F4J claiming all sorts of nonsense.

definitely see a legal person and deep breaths - you’re almost free!

Ah, it's 50:50 then.

Yep, new job, another job, smaller, cheaper accommodation or relocation then.

Try a specialist mortgage broker & see if you can have a very long-term mortgage.

Yes, an independent mortgage advisor is always helpful in any awkward mortgage situation, and in my experience always save much more than the few £100 outlay.

On thought of second job..I know teachers work incredibly hard but tutoring might be an option.
If you are secondary and can do gcse or a level..we currently pay 50 pounds an hr for a level chemistry tutor

Even if you did two hrs a week that would dramatically increase earnings

I have now been a single parent for 12 years. It's been hard. I've eaten through my equity in rent, but couldn't afford a mortgage. We ended up being 50/50 in terms of the asset split. Lots of posters very sure it won't happen, but courts were very clear that was the preferred option to ensure we had equal opportunity to start over. I've had periods (before the house sale) where I had to borrow money from friends and I was creative with lentils for weeks on end. Our standard of living is hugely different to what it was and it's impacted all aspects of our life.
Knowing all this, how much I've struggled, how hard it's all been, if I were back in my marriage, I'd still leave him again, I'd have just done it quicker, because this struggle is nothing compared to living in a dreadful relationship.

Everyday, that is a very sobering account, and thank you for sharing . How has your children's perception of their change of material circumstances been expressed through the years? You say it has impacted every area of your life -do you feel able to elucidate?
This is what really interests me -I know I'll be fine; I can find a way to thrive in almost any conditions, and always have done, but it is the DC's experience that makes me think twice.

Do DC's established friendships just gradually fall away if you move out of area and the easy 'round the corner / after school' social context is removed?

Houses and flats I might be able to afford all have wires coming out of the walls and punched out kitchen cupboards -we'd be living in a building site for years paying for repairs very slowly as I managed to save up. I'd feel so sad if my DC felt like they couldn't invite friends home. Our current house is definitely 'in need of refurbishment' by most people's standards, but it is clean, functional and safe, just not very modern. DC always bring friends home.

Changing schools; I know this isn't a biggie for many people, and maybe my perception is clouded by being a teacher and always thinking how hard it is for pupils who change schools. Did anyone's DC move schools as well as house after separation, and how did that pan out? DC with SEN would need to stay somehow, changing their school just feels insurmountable.

Could you tutor online? My friend does this instead of regular teaching, this is in Canada though.

Relationship breakdowns have seen many of my friends live a bit precariously for a while. Though two of them then got big inheritances.

Don't forget you'll likely get universal credit help too, even if you have a mortgage rather than rent.

Please don't rent if you can. I've seen a friend in your circumstances go and rent, and over the last 10 years spent her sizable deposit and now has zero chance of ever buying her own home. I can't imagine what she will do when she needs to retire but still has rent to pay.

In your circumstances it seems like you keeping the house would go a long way towards solving a lot of your problems - no need to move school, no need to change friends, no need to be embarrassed about bringing friends home. The question is, how can you afford to buy out his equity and can you afford to pay the mortgage on your own?

1. get proper mortgage advice, in particular, what earning figure and/or savings amount would you need to be able to buy him out?
2. look hard at the figures to find creative ways to achieve this. Eg Extending the loan term to the full 30 years. Or You need a higher income for the mortgage? Online tutoring, weekend tutoring and a job in summer hols (even shelf stacking pays something). Can you take in a lodger? (Not ideal at all - but be creative. You can put up with a lot for a short period of time to secure a goal).
3. You need a greater lump sum to pay him out - how can you raise this? Borrow from parents/siblings ??
4. do some calculations on him having less than 50/50 spilt. As you already know it’s not really going to happen.
5. see a lawyer

goodluck

Thanks again for responses!
I would love to stay in our house for the reasons you suggest, Lines. DP wants to sell up and isn't prepared to consider being bought out. It's infuriating, especially as our mortgage is almost paid off, so any additional borrowing would just be an amount to buy him out. I'd still be about 50k short of being able to buy him out though, if I borrowed to the maximum and let him take the joint savings. So it's a non starter.
There is nobody from whom I can borrow money; my relatives are secure but are not in a position to lend spare cash or act as guarantors. If they could, they'd do anything to help.
I've been over the possibilities so many times, initially working on trying to stay, but it just won't be possible, mainly because DP will obstruct it.
I need to suck up the buying a building site vs renting and find ways of making it OK for my DC.

Is there anyone else, like EveryDay, who can share what this might look like? Do DC understand why things have changed? I hate the idea of them knuckling down and being brave in new surroundings while quietly wishing mummy had stayed.