Why do people have friends??

[GizmoIsSoFluffy]

Disclaimer: I have severe social anxiety and show signs of autism.

Genuine question. Why do people have friends? What is the reason, and why as a species do we seem to need them. I find the concept of friends strange, as how can you trust what anyone other than yourself will do. Surely you will end up hurt. And is asking others to invest their time in you is selfish?

Saying all this I have no friends and do feel lonely. But can't bring myself to trust others and wouldn't know what to do with a friend if I had one.

Trust grows with time, I have friends because they make me happy.

Because I need company sometimes other than family

Because I can trust my close friends and tell them worries I have that I can't tell Dh Such as when we have a row.

It's fun

It's someone to share experiences with

I get ideas and advice from them

It's a risk, but you stand to gain more than you stand to lose.
If you find a person whose company you enjoy and they feel the same way it is soul food.
If someone hurts you, it is painful but often a good way to learn what works and what doesn't so the upset isn't for nothing.
I've got friends and I'm glad about that because they understand me and I understand them. They give me support and I can have fun with them.
I have also had people cause upset, but to be honest most of those haven't been malicious so much as just a bit rubbish, so it's life, you patch yourself up and carry on. All part of the rich tapestry of life.
The alternative is to hide away from people and avoid all risk of possible upset. Which some people do.

My partner is a bit like you and has no friends.
I have lots of different friends in different groups. I like chatting, finding out what's going on with them, gossiping, going out for dinner and dancing sometimes. Mostly stuff I can't get from my relationship.
They have also been there for me in tough times ie driven me to medical appointments and proving me with a place to stay during a difficult break up.

My friends have strengths and qualities I don't, they allow me to see the world through another perspective and I learn from that, they expand my life experience and improve me.

Cos friends are fun

Because my friends are ace and we provide each other with essential support

My 10yo DD is autistic and I suspect she feels the same way you do. It makes me very sad, as my friends enrich and enhance my life. They make laugh, support me, listen when I need to talk - and it's not selfish, because I do the same for them.

Sometimes it doesn't need to be a big deal involving trust and investing yourself. Some friendships are like that, but others are just about having a laugh and a chat.

I don't really get it either. I want to be that person who has a group of girlfriends and an active social life, but in reality I find maintaining friendships to be draining and overwhelming.

I’m a trustworthy person. It would seem pretty arrogant to think I was better than the majority of the population so whyb(within reason) wouldn’t I give them the benefit of the doubt? This assumption has prove right so far on the whole.

we’re tribal people so part of our brain is wired to search for people to do life with!

it’s like Russian dolls - some people I’m superficial with and they see the outside of me and know a bit about me (ie my neighbours take in my parcels, we say hello to each other) and it goes right down to one or two people who I’m incredibly close to and love very much. Trust isn’t all or nothing, people move as our trust in them changes.

I love people. I love talking to them, listening to them, hearing their stories. Friends bring so much joy to my life. I’m lucky in having siblings I love and can talk to, I’m very close to my mum and DH is amazing but friends give me different and valuable perspectives, teach me things, take the piss out of me, make me laugh, comfort and support me. I have friends from different times and places in my life that all bring me important things and I hope I offer the same.

I’m really sorry you’re feeling lonely 💐

I feel exactly the same as you op.
I feel incredibly lonely however I avoid talking to people and if I do then I'm already making up excuses for when they want to go for a coffee or a meal etc which doesn't happen anyway as I'm such an awkward person to talk to

My friends are my roots. We belong together, not sure how else to put it.

Life would be very insular and boring with no friends? I have friends as I like spending time with them, they're interesting and supportive.

I am exactly the same as this. Also have autistic traits. My DC are autistic too and have said similar.

I like the idea of friends. I find I enjoy people's company. But in my experience I've found friendships far too draining. In my 20s, it just felt like every friendship group I had (male and female, irrespective of age) seemed to revolve around slagging each other off when they weren't present. That to me is not what a friend should be. So now I don't really encourage friendship beyond the superficial.

I have ADHD and although I appear confident extrovert when comfortable, I also can be very introverted and have social anxiety too.

My answer to you is that I love being with my friends. I don't choose people who make me feel uncomfortable. I choose to be friends with people who are drama free, can have a laugh and be each other's champions in life.

I choose to have friends because they fir a perfect hole in my life that can't be filled with my family or my partner. They are people I share my life with and have good times together.

I find to be able trust people that you look at what they do and not what they say. Or are their words backed up by their actions? Life is all about risk and we can be hurt by many things not just people.
That's living I guess?

Fit not fir*

I basically can't help but make friends 😂. I am very sociable and chat easily, I never say no if someone asks me to meet for a coffee or a meal etc.

I also don't worry about whether people are nice or not, I have enough amazing friends that if I make a friend who then turns out to be not very nice I have no problem just moving on.

I don't form really close friendships until I really know someone and trust them but I'm quite happy getting to know people. I also find it helpful to sort of categorise friends. So 'proper life- long friends' , basically like sisters to me or 'close for now but possibly not forever' friends or 'meet up once a year and have an amazing time' friends or 'people I see in the cafe and have a chat to' friends etc.

Would it be more easy to handle just having a couple of friends rather than a group?

Also one thing that might help is the thought that I don't really get talking to people with the intention of 'making a friend' I just love to chat and find out about people and pass the time of day. And I find it doesn't really matter if it develops into a friendship or not because my objective was to have a chat not make a friend IYSWIM.

I also find it develops a lot more naturally that way. Some fizzle out and some become proper friendships but I couldn't always predict which is which at the beginning.

Having said that when I invest I invest hard and I would be devastated to lose some of my friends. Luckily I think they feel the same about me so it isn't too scary 😊

OP, if you are autistic, you might find it easier to have friends for specific purposes or activities rather than just “friends”. For example, I am quite involved with playing and teaching at my local bridge club. Many of the members are also autistics, and we can happily chat about bridge, without needing to struggle with social cues, emotional involvement etc. Over time, we have got to know each other a bit more, and can open up a little more about our home life.
Another option is to attend a church regularly. Good ones are very welcoming, and you will get to know your fellow parishioners over coffee after the service. It’s a manageable chunk of about an hour, and you can enjoy singing hymns together, getting involved in charitable activities supporting your local community, and slowly making friends as you get more familiar with them.
If you don’t want any emotional involvement with other people, that’s fine, but having hobbies or volunteering will let you feel part of the human race, and let you at least do things alongside others, for company.

Mine make me laugh. They enjoy chatting about / doing the same things as me. I know there’s someone in the world who will always be on my side.

Disclaimer: I have severe social anxiety and show signs of autism.

Similar here. Though I don't have social anxiety as such unless you count the sheer exhaustion of trying to mask and appear normal (I'd never tell anyone about autism aside from family members). I come across as self confident. I also struggle with eye contact, but not always as it depends on my mood and if I'm particularly stressed.

I do like people to talk to and that's why I have friends. Not because of loneliness as I quite like my own company and solitude. Though I prefer people who are similar to me, and the sort who would have been in our 'geek' group at school/college /university.

I dislike small talk and politely turn down many drinks and coffee invitations as I can from strangers. People who don't know me can think I'm abrupt and rude or stuck up, and I often don't remember I'm supposed to smile, though I counter this with extreme politeness.

Sorry for rambling but it sounds like there's a few of us quite similar on this thread.