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Original poster

Returning to job after being widowed

43 replies

DazedConfusedDone · 24/10/2022 21:21

Hi,

I just wondered whether anyone had any experience with this. I've been off 2.5 weeks, funeral was only late last week (which they know). My company (HR), who is usually very good in the broad sense, said to take as much time as I needed. For context, I've been a carer as well as a lone parent to infant school aged child, worked full time and never taken the piss.

HR haven't approached me, however my line manager suggested last week, shortly before the funeral, that I should come back soon. He tried to dress this up as being for my benefit, so I'm not at home brooding, but it's pretty transparent he wants me back because things are busy. I didn't agree to anything but checked my work phone this evening and had several messages/emails that were basically expecting me back today (from my manager, not HR).

I know my company (as in higher management and HR) are really good and people generally don't get this much time, but I'm just wondering how much time people in my position took. I don't feel ready to go back just yet. I'm seriously considering taking time off sick, which I rarely do.

I've emailed HR requesting a catch up tomorrow. I'm pretty sure this just coming from my manager because most things like this are handled by HR.

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 24/10/2022 21:24

I'd been off about 6 weeks when DH died, using TOIL and holiday, and then signed off sick.
I went back, on reduced hours, about 6 weeks after he died.

Zibbydib · 24/10/2022 21:24

So sorry for your loss.

If you have good sick pay you might want to get signed off sick by your doctor if you don’t feel up to going back just yet. A colleague lost his wife and took a few weeks of special leave, before being signed off sick for a further 6 weeks. Don’t feel pressured in to going back before you’re ready.

Happycow · 24/10/2022 21:25

OP im so sorry for your loss.

I have no personal experience thankfully, but a couple of people at work have been and took 2-3 weeks leave then did a (short) phased return. The main people they worked with were aware of their circumstances and unofficially gave them a few weeks grace in terms of not chasing too hard for work to be done etc.

Cismyfatarse · 24/10/2022 21:25

I am very sorry I don't know the answer but I just wanted to say how sorry I am for the fact that you have to even think about this after such a devastating loss. I know a colleague (teacher) took a month, then came back, then a further three weeks. She came back too soon and it was an enormous strain.

None of her colleagues wanted her to rush back.

Please be good to yourself and take more time than you need so you are really ready. Sending hugs.

vickibee · 24/10/2022 21:28

I was in your position july 21, I had six weeks off before I went back but in hindsight it was too soon. I had to get doctors certificate citing grief as my ‘sickness’. I’d had phone calls asking when I was returning.
when I went back I was having a sad moment and my line mgr told me I needed to be more resilient as we all lose loved ones. I resigned shortly afterwards.
on,y you know if you feel able to go back but 2 weeks doesn’t seem long enough as you will stil be in the early stages of grief.

Geepee71 · 24/10/2022 21:29

Get yourself signed off sick for a couple of weeks and when you're ready, go back on a phased return basis.
You need to take care of you right now.
So sorry for your loss.

RandomMess · 24/10/2022 21:29

What an awful manager, how dare he!!

It's way too soon.

Original poster
DazedConfusedDone · 24/10/2022 21:32

Thanks everyone, I'll speak to HR tomorrow and then Drs if need be. I have a decent sick leave policy at work and a great track record personally so it won't be a problem.

I'm pretty sure this is my immediate boss having gone rogue, but it actually made me doubt whether I was taking the piss by taking this much time off.

OP posts:
Houseplantmad · 24/10/2022 21:32

It’s too soon - and your Manager is being very selfish.
As others have said, please talk to HR only, switch your work phone off and take as much time as you need, and get your self signed off by your GP.
You’ve had a major shock and trauma which will take time physically and mentally to process. Please take care of yourself - I am really sorry for your loss.

Xdecd · 24/10/2022 21:33

I had 7 months off. Like you I had a very good employment record before I was widowed. I had a 2 year old at the time. I have no regrets about taking so long off, it was what I needed and I went back when I felt ready to.

2.5 weeks is absolutely nothing. Some people do choose to go back quickly to keep busy but personally it was months before I could function never mind work. I do believe some colleagues thought I was pushing it a bit but everything in life changes when you are widowed, you can't overestimate how much you are having to cope with and adjust to. It is the most stressful life event and completely overwhelming (at least that's how I experienced it).

After my time off I had a phased return, it was manageable, I got through it and I still work at the same place now.

Have you spoken to your gp? Mine was very supportive and that helped. Also look at Megan Devine's writing, it helped me give myself permission to take the time I needed.

Candleabra · 24/10/2022 21:35

Jeeeez 2.5 weeks? No way. I went back after 3 months and that was too soon. I ended up having a bit of a breakdown and more time off later in the year.
If you wanted to go back that would be different but please don’t feel under any pressure, of course it’s not too soon.

B1pbop · 24/10/2022 21:35

I had 3 months off, went back and struggled, had some more months off. Probably wasn’t fully back with any consistency for about 6 months in all. Even then it took months to really feel ‘with it’ again.

Mine was H’s suicide and I had a just-turned-3 yr old (full on active lively 3 yr old) and worked nearly full time. I had police all over my house and an inquest 4 months later. All round horrendous. So I might have had more time off than most. But take as much time as you need. Your GP can sign you off sick and your work have to respect that. There’s more important things in life than work. Complain to HR about your manager - he needs to back off.

kitcat15 · 24/10/2022 21:36

My colleague had 6 months off ( we get 6 months full pay) then took the rest of her leave ( 4 weeks) ...then did a 4 week phased return .....and now works flexibly and from home a lot.....she was given a weeks special ( extra) leave for the 1 year anniversary....my team leader is brilliant though

Goldenboysmum · 24/10/2022 21:37

So sorry for your loss op

Slightly different for me, I wasn't bereaved by a spouse but when my son died, I had 5 months off work, went back for about 4 months which was far too soon! Then was off another almost 6 months. It takes time. I've been back 6 months now, and I still have days that I feel I shouldnt be working.

It's coming up for my sons anniversary (Christmas day) and my mood is already changing, look after yourself, work can wait.

Candleabra · 24/10/2022 21:37

And I found a phased return very helpful when I was ready to go back. I did shorter days/lighter duties for a while. I reckon it took me 3 years to get properly back to feeling like i was working at my normal level.

Augend23 · 24/10/2022 21:39

A colleague at work had their husband die (in very difficult circumstances) and has been off for almost a year now. I absolutely didn't expect to see them for at least 6 months, started vaguely wondering if they might be back soon after about 8 but even then was aware it would have been a dreadful dreadful year.

PermanentTemporary · 24/10/2022 21:44

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I lost dh very suddenly and was signed off sick almost immediately. I went back on a phased return after 2 months, worked up over 2 weeks to 23 hours a week and said at that point I needed to stop at that level. I got my contract changed to 23 hours.

I got an additional contract taking me back up to full time work after 3 years. It was still difficult but I have just about adjusted to it now.

I still need to take leave around the anniversary of Dh's death. It's usually the run up to the day which is worst for me but annoyingly it's different every year.

DeanStockwooooo · 24/10/2022 21:47

I am sorry for your loss @DazedConfusedDone, I was in the same position a few years back when my DH died ( though no DCs )
I was lucky my manager was very understanding, we were contractors at a big company ( iwe had been with them gir 8 years and they were our main bread and butter ) so he spoke to them to explain what happened and that I would be off for a undisclosed length of time and they were not to contact me.

I was put on paid compensation leave for 8 weeks then a slow return over 3 weeks. .

You need to speak to your HR about compensation leave rather than sick leave as it should be full pay , and wont look bad on your attendance later on.
And god forbid but you may need that sick leave at some other point in the future.

You also should ask HR to tell your manager to back off completely , he is a inconsirate swine !

TitInATrance · 24/10/2022 21:50

I was widowed suddenly with young children. Work gave me a week’s special leave and told me to get a sick note thereafter.
I was off for 9 weeks, then my doctor sent me back as he was afraid they would sack me. No phased return, it wasn’t a thing then. Far too early and I couldn’t function usefully at work for several more weeks.

nannync · 24/10/2022 21:55

Manager asked you to come back before you'd even buried your husband?

What the fuck

Op, I'm so sorry for your loss. Take your time.

fannyfartlet · 24/10/2022 21:58

I went back after a couple of weeks but that was my choice. It was during lockdown and I'd have been in on my own so I went back and my boss said just so as much as I was comfortable with. I'd maybe contact HR and inform them of what your manager is saying.

MrsArrDee · 24/10/2022 22:02

Go back when* *you're ready. I know that's easy to say, but you must take your time, don't let anyone rush you and don't feel guilty about taking the time you need.

There are no rules around how long you should grieve, your grief will be unique to you.

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

BerthafromBolton · 24/10/2022 22:02

When my husband died - I was coming to the end of 6 weeks sick leave after an operation. I went back a few days after his funeral - I just felt I needed some structure and needed to get out of house. At the time I thought it was for the best - it wasn’t- I lasted a few weeks then I just couldn’t cope. My work were great and I just went back in stages til I felt ready. I am so sorry for what you are going through - there is no right answer - take care x

JustAnotherMonday · 24/10/2022 22:05

A colleague took about 10 months. I think we had 6 months full pay, 6 months half pay. Take whatever you need/can afford, and ask for a phased return to ease you back in. It's a difficult time

M0rT · 24/10/2022 22:16

I am so sorry for your loss. 💐
Please don't doubt yourself if you need a lot longer to be able to go back to work.
I haven't lost a husband but I suffered a close bereavement and it took 4 months for my concentration to return anywhere near previous levels.
I know I was well below par in work but I have a good history and a decent manager so I was able to coast until my brain came back online.
I know not everyone gets that although speaking to people it's common enough.
I'd never heard of how grief can turn your thoughts into eels until after I experienced it for myself.