Returning to job after being widowed

[DazedConfusedDone]

Hi,

I just wondered whether anyone had any experience with this. I've been off 2.5 weeks, funeral was only late last week (which they know). My company (HR), who is usually very good in the broad sense, said to take as much time as I needed. For context, I've been a carer as well as a lone parent to infant school aged child, worked full time and never taken the piss.

HR haven't approached me, however my line manager suggested last week, shortly before the funeral, that I should come back soon. He tried to dress this up as being for my benefit, so I'm not at home brooding, but it's pretty transparent he wants me back because things are busy. I didn't agree to anything but checked my work phone this evening and had several messages/emails that were basically expecting me back today (from my manager, not HR).

I know my company (as in higher management and HR) are really good and people generally don't get this much time, but I'm just wondering how much time people in my position took. I don't feel ready to go back just yet. I'm seriously considering taking time off sick, which I rarely do.

I've emailed HR requesting a catch up tomorrow. I'm pretty sure this just coming from my manager because most things like this are handled by HR.

Most of my colleagues whove lost parents have had 3 to 6 months off so 2.5 weeks for a partner .....absolutely disgusting behaviour from your line manager...they should be guided by you

@DazedConfusedDone I'm sorry to hear about your DH xx💐

2.5 weeks is definitely not 'taking the piss'. Your Manager needs his arsed kicking into space. Contacting you before you'd even had your DH's funeral is despicable. Badgering you now dreadful, make sure HR have ALL the details!

Everyone is different, there's no set time, going back doesn't mean you have to go back full time or permanently either! You've been through trauma, it's physical & mental. You need the time you need & you may need to dial back at certain stages too.

listen to YOUR head & body & don't rush back.

look after yourself 🌷

I had about 6 weeks, I returned part time, then built it back up as I became less fragile.

Thanks for so many replies, especially as many of them are personal and must evoke awful memories. You've really set my mind at rest that I'm not being unreasonable now.

HR have been really helpful and supportive, as has my boss' boss, during the years I was caring and offered far more leeway than I ever took. I think they'll possibly be quite annoyed at my line manager's interference and I'm as close to sure as I can be that HR are usually the ones to lead this. I'll speak to someone tomorrow and explain what's happened and it take from there.

Definitely speak to HR tomorrow OP and tell them about your manager contacting you and explain that it's all just too soon and you need their advice. I'm in HR and would be very unimpressed with any of our managers messaging a bereaved colleague about work before the funeral had even taken place!

This sort of thing should be handled between you and HR and let them guide and advise your manager, that's their job. I'd ask them if they can offer any special/compassionate leave over and above what you have had and if not I would ask your GP to sign you off and provide that sick note to the HR team. Agree with them in your conversation tomorrow how often and by what manner you wish to keep in touch. E.g by email, they can check in after two weeks etc.... whatever you're comfortable with.

All the best and I'm sorry for your loss.

I was off for 3 months after DH died, then I got so fed up of my own company that I went back to work. I knew it was too soon and so did my manager, but he thought my wellbeing was important - my wonderful team absorbed my work for a while and I had short projects to do, that gave me work but weren't critical. When I started to get better, I took my work back on gradually.

Oh my goodness. OP take the time you need. Like @Goldenboysmum seems to say, there is no timeline on this. I think we would all work a bit more to support a woman in your shoes. Huge love to you all. Xxx

This.
Best wishes, and take time, you will be sick of hearing that I’m sure, but you need some time away from other stuff, and at home with your family.
Please accept my very best wishes.

What!!! This has given me the rage.... what a twat.

I’m very sorry for your loss, @DazedConfusedDone
My DH died suddenly in very difficult circs over 2 years ago. Also inquest, police, delayed funeral etc as a PP, and 2 children.

Work (NHS) gave me 2 weeks compassionate leave, I then self-certified for a week and then GP signed me off - “bereavement” on note - several notes of 4 weeks at a time. I was off for 6 months, and had to go back financially at that point. I had a phased return of a month. I honestly didn’t feel up to total speed at work for another 2-3 months.

A friend who had experienced similar advised me not to hurry back, and also to negotiate any job plan/flexible working changes needed robustly before my return - her exact words were “no-one will ever be as nice to you as now - make the most of it!” It was very true.

Speak to HR directly (your manager should not be part of that negotiation - just be informed), and make the most of Occ Health and any offers of counselling etc if your job offers this.

im a lower middle manager dealing with a grieving staff member right now. Not a spouse, but someone close.

i sent a Brief but heartfelt Message of condolence and then backed right off. Our HR would have my guts for garters if I had sent Message like the one you got. and It will likely be a director who makes the next contact not me, to offer sympathy, a listening ear and no pressure whatsoever. They will come back when the are ready. But I expect it to be months. Not weeks.

Did you manage to speak to HR op?

I did speak to HR today - they were wonderful and horrified at the prospect of me coming back so soon.

I feel like a huge weight had lifted. I was feeling panicked at the thought of going back right now.

I had 5 weeks off after the sudden death of my mum. 1 week of that was a pre-planned holiday but when I got back to work I discovered they'd given me the holiday time back and given me all 5 weeks as compassionate leave.

You will know when you're ready to go back and it's counterproductive to return before you're ready because you're not likely to be very focused!!

For me, On week 4, I suddenly found myself thinking about work and wondering how they were getting on with a big project so I texted a colleague I'm friends with to find out. She gave me a quick update and I could feel the first smidge of interest in work returning. That grew slowly and at the end of week 5, I was ready to go back. You'll know when you're ready.

Not been widowed, I send my condolences to you ❤️.
I had a week off when my mum passed, compassionate leave plus a day for the funeral.
You could ask your GP to sign you off or if you feel up to it could you manage a phased return to see how you feel?
Personally I don't think 2.5 weeks is very long after a loss such as yours

Hi Dazed
First, I am sorry for your loss
I was just going to start a thread on this very topic as I have been signed off since DH died on Oct 5th (until 2 Nov) but am going to ask for another couple of weeks (funeral was yesterday)- my DC are older than yours though
2.5 weeks is nothing - I would just speak to your HR person and ignore your LM
I am still spending everyday doing the admin type things that are necessary- I wouldn't have time to work - today's 'fun' activity was looking for our marriage Cert
Please do NOT feel guilty about not returning just yet!
A colleague advised me that it is easier to have one 'big' chunk off rather than going back too soon and needing to go off again as you went back too early
Take care

@MumofSpud so sorry you're going through the same thing, our timelines are very similar.

I don't think some people realise just how much there is to do after a death and how exhausting it was.

I hope the funeral went 'well'. I'm realising that some people think everything returns to normal after the funeral, when that's just not the case.

OP, I’m glad HR was more compassionate than your manager. Your manager needs more empathy.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Take all the time you need and can. Sending lots of love