If you ask another adult what they want for Christmas..

[Flowerfairy101]

Do you always buy it, no question, if it's in budget?
I've never got on well with my sister, she's really unpleasant to me at the best of times but the last few years she's taken to asking me what I want for Christmas then when I say, tells me she doesn't think whatever it is is worth the money (its always within our £25 budget) and to choose something else. For example I suggested a £22 top that I liked. She told me it wasn't worth it and to buy it in the sales. Another time I asked for a blanket and she said she refuses to spend that much on a blanket. This year I suggested socks thinking she can't possibly pick at that and her response was "oh god, you want more socks!" (She has no idea how many socks I have).
I find this really odd behaviour, and it kind of makes me feel small and embarrassed, like the things I like are somehow unreasonable or stupid.
If someone tells me what they want for Christmas then I just buy it no question. My DP always wants warhammer which I personally think isn't worth the extortionate price tag but it makes him happy so I buy it and don't say that to him! I kind of view a gift as something maybe indulgent that you wouldn't normally buy for yourself.

She's doing it on purpose to belittle you. You have a few options to take the wind out of her sails

1. Suggest you stop doing presents
2. Suggest you do gift giving differently going forward, eg spending the money on an experience or putting together a DIY food hamper, or surprising eachother
3. Request a surprise
4. Request vouchers
5. Ask for something she already has eg. I love your pink slippers, I would like some similar
6. Give her choices, a list of five fairly generic things, eg. Umbrella, slippers, gloves

Where possible if you are going to ask for something (rather than option 1 or 2) I would avoid dealing with it in person. So when she asks you what you want say you will think about it and message her later. Much easier to ignore her crap remotely if she can be bothered moaning by text.

I think we might have the same sister @Flowerfairy101! Mine is just like that, but her birthday she starts a weekly countdown 6 weeks beforehand on our family WasApp group, ramping up to daily 10 days beforehand, with very specific links to what she wants; then sulks if she doesn't get it, or has a big fuss made of her. She's nearly 50!!!!

Honestly I'd just say let's leave it and not bother.

I don't understand the point of present buying when adults are asking for specific things and the budget is the same, just save your money and buy what you like when you want to. Obviously if a child asks for something specific that's different.

If you've got the same budget and don't do surprises what's the point?

Thanks everyone I agree it's pointless doing presents in these circumstances but when I've suggested this she gets really annoyed and insists she wants to huy me something and vice versa. I've also suggested we just get something as a surprise but she hates that idea
Agree she's just using it to belittle me and make me feel shit which is what actually bothers me about it rather than the gift receiving!

Just tell her you're not buying for her anymore. Who cares if she throws a strop.

She just likes undermining you at every opportunity. I dont know why, maybe she lukes feeling superior. Or more likely she doesn't even notice your discomfort and does it anyway. Its all about her. I have a sister like that, i dont bother now. Life is hard enough without someone who is supposed to love and care for you making you feel small and insignificant. Fuck that.

And she doesn't want to give the gift nonsense up as it gives her another way to lord it over you and make you feel shite. As i said, fuck that. You need to step back and get some control.

@FayeGovan I'm getting to that point too, we're in our thirties and the age old pattern is she says or does something that isn't kind to me, I pull her up on it, she says she was 'only joking ',I push the matter, we fall out then my mum gets on the phone to me and tells me I'm overreacting and of course sister wouldn't have MEANT to upset me, then I give in and the cycle continues. Its pretty shit really and basically all a pretence because we're family, whatever that actually means!

I'm curious, what does she get you instead?

@Scout2016 she'll get me something I've asked for but it has to be something she approves of. So it kind of leaves me trying to guess what she will find acceptable. Safe choices are usually books. We have very different tastes in absolutely everything. On the occasions we have done surprises she's got me something she would wear but isnt my style then been offended that I don't wear it much. She doesn't seem to be able to see past herself.

Sounds familiar. There's no honesty, its all superficial to keep her happy. And rather than your mum looking at both sidescshes taking her side to keep the peace, for an easy life. And you're left feeling un heard and unlistened to. Which you are. And your sister never needs to address her behaviour as no one ever tells her the truth. Which she probably wouldn't listen to anyway.....

Its her way or the highway every fucking time. I personally have taken the highway and the freedom feels good, but im perpetually wishing she was different. I'd love a sister.

Exactly @FayeGovan. Every time I make a big life decision she shits all over it too. I rented a flat with my DP, her first comment is that itll be damp because its ground floor. I got engaged and after 'erm..congratulations?' She told me I don't have to get married just because its the done thing. Got pregnant, similar reaction. No happiness for me whatsoever. One Christmas we were all having a nice day and she disappeared off crying, apparently because I never take an interest in her which totally spoilt the day and made me feel really awkward. She made a really inappropriate comment when I almost had a late term miscarriage which she refused to apologise for because it was 'just a joke'. It's not normal behaviour and I'd really love to have a sister who didn't view me with with such total disdain and dislike. Why do you think your sister is like that?

She sounds utterly weird, @Flowerfairy101 and very, very hard work.

If I were you, I'd just be spending Christmas with DH. Your sister and mother sound horrible. You don't need to put up and shut up with it because they're family.

Knock this on the head. Times are very hard at the moment and tell her that you will not be exchanging gifts.

Then with the £25 you would have spent on her get yourself what you want.

If I ask what someone wants I always try really hard to get it for them. Otherwise why ask?

I'm actuallu going to be having Christmas just with DP and DD this year which I'm really looking forward to, and should please her because apparently she would prefer DP not to spend the day with our family because she feels our mum spends the whole day chatting to him (bizarre and untrue) and has no time for her. She is very very hard work and high maintenance. Heaven forbid her birthday card is late, there is no justifiable reason for that in her eyes, unless it is the other way round then it is perfect acceptable

@Flowerfairy101 , i really don't know why she's like that, no one else in the family is. When i was younger i always thought she was adopted cos she's so unlike anyone here. But basically she likes everything her way and she married a man who has never disagreed with her. And she seems to like people who tell her she's wonderful. Which puts me out the picture. Its always been baffling to me.

I agree - definitely knock this on the head and budge when she gets angry/insists.

I would do the following - when the inevitable question arises say that you don't want to do gift exchanges anymore, so nothing, thank you. Expect a strop as a minimum. Pretty much anything she then says can be followed up with 'that maybe so but I don't want to exchange gifts now we're adults, so I'm not going to'.

Expect her to get you a gift anyway to shame you - don't fall for it.

I definitely family and frenemies who used gifts in a passive aggressive way in the past, so view them very differently now. It sounds very much like your sister is using gifts like this, she sounds very hard work.

don't budge

It seems to me that unless you are actually spending Christmas together in a family situation where everyone else is sharing gifts they have bought each other - then it's time to stop buying presents for each other .

I don't know if you or your sister have children - but get out clause in many families is to agree that Christmas is for children and not to swap gifts with adults.

Time to stop with the present buying nonsense, it's very liberating!!!

@shinynewapple22 we do usually apart from this year so seems a good time to stop. I have a DD who is 2 , she has no DC. Come to think of it she does similar when asking me what DD wants only she normally tells me I just want whatever toy I've thought of to play with myself! I think I'll just refuse to give suggestions and say buy what you like for her.

Has she already asked what you want this year, if she hasn’t then tell her you’re not buying for her this? Then don’t give it another thought. If she’s already asked then next August when no one is emotionally invested in Christmas send her a text saying you are cutting down your Christmas expenditure this year so won’t be buying for her.
Use the COL crisis as a god excuse to dump her of the Christmas list.