I'm a parent carer and I'm constantly being judged for not having a job.

[Userno53363636736373]

Hi all,

I have two dc, both with sen, my eldest has some quite complex needs whereas my youngest needs are less severe.

to put into context, DS has just started a mainstream secondary but the school cannot meet his needs, he's there highest need students in the whole school and we are going to fight for him to get into a sen school, there's lack of places in my area. He has an EHCP, gets DLA and I get carers allowance. Dd also has sen but no official diagnoses but has an EHCP, currently waiting for DLA decision, but coping okay in mainstream primary.

currently we are dealing with school refusal with my oldest. He's autistic, adhd, has anxiety, ocd and severe learning difficulties - he's not even accessing the curriculum at secondary and working at year 2 level. His behaviour is challening, he is very defiant. I could be needed at the drop of a hat at the school, we have school meetings regularly. He's just been prescribed melatonin as he was not going to sleep until midnight, now he's going to sleep earlier but he's up at 4.30-5am. I am exhausted. He's not liking his new school and the school aren't needing his needs. I am tired of fighting for the right support.

as well as this in dealing with my own MH issues and being referred for an asd assessment myself.

I don't currently work, I struggled to find a job around Dc, their needs, school (I need to be here when DS gets off his transport as they wouldn't drop off anywhere else apart from home) , appointments, school meetings etc.

Dh works, he works 6-6. He provides for us financially and is a great hands on dad too! He is not in a position to cut his hours, he enjoys his job and its pretty well paid. But I'm the default parent doing all the organising, cleaning and getting them to school etc.

the only time I could commit to a job is evenings but I am by 5am each day, it would make the days incredibly long.

it sounds like I'm making excuses but I'm really not. It's just not feasible.

anyway, I am constantly judged whilst not working - by friends and family mainly. Being asked what I do all day, being told I am a lady of leisure because I don't have anything to do all day - yeah right! In laws are the worst at it! Dh has no issue with me not having a job but they do. My family are generally a lot more supportive but my brother always has something to say about my life.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is. Maybe some support? A hand hold? Or maybe I'll be flamed.

but I am exhausted. We have no family support. Me and dh have not had an evening together alone in 7 years, we are physically and mentally drained. Our kids isn't as rosy as people think it is. My MH is at an all time low.

I am fed up of feeling like a failure!

posting this after a sarcastic comment was made my mil this morning about my employment status.

people just don't get how tiring it all is 😭

Please don't feel you need to be beholden to others other than your immediate family. You can always respond and say why don't you try taking my children for a day and let me know how you get on? I bet they will refuse. Sounds like you are doing your very best and that's all anyone can ask for. Keep going. Keep fighting 💪. And I'm sure, things will improve albeit baby steps.

BTW I'm a full time working mum and IT'S NOT ALL THAT!!

let them judge. Easier said than done but having had to give up work because of Ds needs 5 years ago I have leant not to care.

i would love to work but it’s simply not possible with the specific circumstances we have.

Find something about them that you can judge and do it back to them.

Works for me.

You really don't need to justify yourself to anybody I mean your friends and family won't be rushing to offer help if you were at work would they?

ah I am sorry that you are dealing with some ignorant judgy people, But you do work!! You work very hard! So what if it’s not outside the home however you are being paid - you receive carers allowance and Rightly so! Sometimes people are in a rush to the bottom always putting others down to make themselves feel better and judging who has it harder however we don’t know the ins and outs of everyone’s family life and by the sound of it your mil isn’t a great support if she doesn’t realise the support your son needs. Next time ( and every time) call her out on her cheek and I’m sure she’d stop- “ from this comment mil it seems that you feel I should be out working, if you knew us better you’d realise how much work I actually do and how much support son needs, I find your comments hurtful and insensitive “

good luck you are brilliant and your son is lucky to have you !

You could be my sister-in-law except she only has one child with SEN with complex needs, the only difference is we think she is a bloody angel to take on so much and keep doing it every day, it is a very stressful life. I could honestly cry that you are doing all of that and getting comments about not being employed as well. Some people do not have a clue! Honestly, you need to stop justifying the reasons for not working outside the home, you don't work because it sounds unworkable and unsustainable! What you are doing is quite frankly amazing, you are doing all the work to hold your family together and you are supporting both your DC and your DH in practical and emotional ways that I bet you don't even realise. Be kind to yourself and give yourself a break when you can!

Honestly, fuck them. They have no idea how exhausting it is. I am holding down a part time job by the skin of my teeth because work are supportive. It is incredibly difficult and tiring fighting for your child's support and rights all the time. On paper it looks like I have time off every week, in reality this is not the case.

My brother wasn't supportive until ds1 spat in his face. I was mortified but now he's on my team. Are your family aware of your children's behaviour needs?
I'm very fortunate in that ds1 is currently accessing school. But I'm self employed and am very thankful for the flexibility. You are an angel and have more than enough on your plate

Yep, fuck 'em! Single parent here, both kids autistic, gave up working when second was diagnosed. I get sick of the comments, so tend to respond with something along the lines of "yeah, I'm a work shy benefits scrounger, it's fucking awesome, you should try it some time"

It sounds like you’re in fact doing an amazing job in challenging circumstances. The thing is if you worked and were not so available to support your DC people would probably judge that too (not that that would be wrong either). Unfortunately I find as a mother you’re often going to be judged either way so just do what suits your immediate family and say to people “this is what suits us right now”. I find it quite liberating sometimes, that you can’t please everyone, so don’t bother worrying about it.
Your PIL seem to be expecting the impossible - they should be happy you are supporting your family. Ask them if they can have your DC a couple of days a week 6-6 to allow you to work like your DH does. If they can’t (surprisingly enough) then ask them not to mention your employment status again.

People should keep their stupid opinions to themselves. Let them come and look after your difficult kids for a day and then they will want to go back to their full-time job. They are nothing but busy bodies poking their stupid noses in where it doesn’t belong. Such people annoy me who can’t keep their noses out of other peoples business. You have a full-time job looking after that family of yours. Let them try it!

I have a neice with quite severe autism and am drained after visiting my sister and her family, even for a few hours.

You have every sympathy from me. If your family aren't supporting you avoid them and/or tell them to sod off

But you do have a job! Whenever anyone asks what you do for a living just say you're a carer (or whatever the appropriate term might be for helping children with complex needs). If you want to share a bit more you could say you're a carer for your SEN kids.

You are not a 'normal' parent (hate that word but you know what I mean), you don't have the same amount of work as us parents of non-SEN kids. It sounds like you have a lot more to do than a lot of people and that should count as actual work in my opinion! People make a CAREER out of working with kids like yours, it's a very specialist skillset and people should be duly impressed if you tell them.

People pick up what you give out, and if you find a way to present it confidently and with pride then the stupid 'lady of leisure ' comments will soon turn into expressions of awe at your ability to juggle so much more than they do!

I'm with you, I'm in a very similar situation except I don't get the judgements. I consistently refer to my unpaid job, and I consistently tell everyone what I've done that day. I'm a right pain in the arse and very boring, but I think they've all got the measure of quite how difficult it is.
If your in laws are being judgy then ask your Dh to put them right, and tell them that you definitely don't need judgement from family, because dealing with the LA and meeting your child's needs are emotionally and physically draining enough.

I don't currently work, I struggled to find a job around Dc, their needs, school (I need to be here when DS gets off his transport as they wouldn't drop off anywhere else apart from home) , appointments, school meetings etc.

It sounds like a very tricky situation.
I would suggest your judgemental family members go ahead and find you something suitable to apply for if they think it’s so easy - it might shut them up. Or, who knows, they might actually find something that’s right for you, you never know I suppose - win win either way!

Pickaletter -What a lovely post!

I totally get you User. My son is a teenager doing Eotas and some people just can’t understand why I can’t just leave him.

The funny thing is, if you were to say your job EAs caring for children with special needs everyone would be “Aw such a worthwhile job, good for you!”
Say it’s for your own children, and it’s “lazy bugger!”

We can only do our best

Just do what's best for you and your family and don't give a toss about being judged by people who know nothing of your situation.

I could have written your post as I'm in a very similar situation, but I choose to work part time as it benefits my mental health to focus on something else.

*Is not EA!

That’s so odd that his family ask this repeatedly. Do they know fully the requirements of your kids?

This is awful, I can't believe how unsupportive they are. Of course you can't work! I would minimise contact with anyone making shitty comments, do you realise you don't have to have negative people in your life? It's so freeing. You sound exhausted, look after yourself. People who love you would NOT make you feel like this. Minimise contact or get your DH to stand up for you.

I hope your DS gets a place in a proper school. How does it work in mainstream if he is year 2 level? Do they give him seperate work?

anyway, I am constantly judged whilst not working - by friends and family mainly

Are you really though? Are people actually constantly judging you? Or is it a few remarks occasionally? If you are feeling really stressed then is there a possibility you are taking the comments more critically than they are intended?

How do you reply? Do you minimise your workload or do you tell them how things are?

I've had time when I've been a textbook 'lady of leisure' - with a cleaner every day, lots of tennis, going to the gym and socialising with friends (TBF I did charity work too so not completely useless). If people commented I owned it. I can't think anyone was judging me though.

Maybe you just have awful family and friends?

Ty! He does tell them similar to what I've said above but they don't seem to get it still.

regarding my son, he in a mainstream secondary doing work at a much simpler level and often computer based rather than written work in all lessons but it's putting strain on the teachers to support him and the rest of the class. its partly down to his primary schools fault, they never told me how far behind he was, his EHCP was not updated thoroughly enough etc etc.

he coped quite well in mainstream primary with support but secondary is a totally different game.

the senco at his new school agrees he should be in a sen school but it's just getting the LA to agree! I know of children in far worse situations that cannot get into a sen school. DS is pretty well behaved in school, he tends to hold it all in and lets it out when he gets home. Socially he thrives in mainstream as does enjoy being around his peers! There will be disadvantages of a specialist school too but he is not learning much in mainstream currently!

Easier said than done but ignore them, don’t let it get to you.

Have you appealed the EHCP? If he is school refusing and not attending full time the LA have a duty to provide alternative education.

@TootMootZoot it's mainly the in laws, they have made sarcastic comments about me being a lady of leisure and mil actually showing my job adverts that she thought might be suitable. She seems to have a massive problem with her son being the main earner, but it makes sense because he's been in his job a long time, enjoys it and is okay money (not a high earner, but pretty decent for our area which is generally low paid jobs).

At one point a comment was made that dh's sister should just get pregnant and claim benefits like me and be sorted for life. I didn't mention this in my op, but DS is not biologically dh's and when I had DS and he was tiny, his bio father left me with nothing as he had a drink problem and spent it all on booze, I wasn't earning much so had no choice but to claim benefits like income support and housing benefit to help pay the rent for the first year or so of his life. They seem to think I have had this easy luxurious lifestyle or something!

I have also been asked why I look so tired too, I always look tired and they said I cannot be tired as I don't have to go to work. I would reply something like DS was up at 4 this morning and I'll get the 'well I was up at 4 for work' kinda thing.

usually it's out of ear short of dh!

I've not been seeing them much lately. Sometimes dh will take dc over and I'll just stay home now as I have no energy for it.

todays comments was over the phone. Dh told his mum how much he was worried about the COL crisis and everything going up and her solution was that I must get a full time job too!