I'm a parent carer and I'm constantly being judged for not having a job.

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Hi all,

I have two dc, both with sen, my eldest has some quite complex needs whereas my youngest needs are less severe.

to put into context, DS has just started a mainstream secondary but the school cannot meet his needs, he's there highest need students in the whole school and we are going to fight for him to get into a sen school, there's lack of places in my area. He has an EHCP, gets DLA and I get carers allowance. Dd also has sen but no official diagnoses but has an EHCP, currently waiting for DLA decision, but coping okay in mainstream primary.

currently we are dealing with school refusal with my oldest. He's autistic, adhd, has anxiety, ocd and severe learning difficulties - he's not even accessing the curriculum at secondary and working at year 2 level. His behaviour is challening, he is very defiant. I could be needed at the drop of a hat at the school, we have school meetings regularly. He's just been prescribed melatonin as he was not going to sleep until midnight, now he's going to sleep earlier but he's up at 4.30-5am. I am exhausted. He's not liking his new school and the school aren't needing his needs. I am tired of fighting for the right support.

as well as this in dealing with my own MH issues and being referred for an asd assessment myself.

I don't currently work, I struggled to find a job around Dc, their needs, school (I need to be here when DS gets off his transport as they wouldn't drop off anywhere else apart from home) , appointments, school meetings etc.

Dh works, he works 6-6. He provides for us financially and is a great hands on dad too! He is not in a position to cut his hours, he enjoys his job and its pretty well paid. But I'm the default parent doing all the organising, cleaning and getting them to school etc.

the only time I could commit to a job is evenings but I am by 5am each day, it would make the days incredibly long.

it sounds like I'm making excuses but I'm really not. It's just not feasible.

anyway, I am constantly judged whilst not working - by friends and family mainly. Being asked what I do all day, being told I am a lady of leisure because I don't have anything to do all day - yeah right! In laws are the worst at it! Dh has no issue with me not having a job but they do. My family are generally a lot more supportive but my brother always has something to say about my life.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is. Maybe some support? A hand hold? Or maybe I'll be flamed.

but I am exhausted. We have no family support. Me and dh have not had an evening together alone in 7 years, we are physically and mentally drained. Our kids isn't as rosy as people think it is. My MH is at an all time low.

I am fed up of feeling like a failure!

posting this after a sarcastic comment was made my mil this morning about my employment status.

people just don't get how tiring it all is 😭

I don't see why it needs to be anyone else's business. You're doing what's best for your family and household, that should be enough.

I have a child with SEN, I work part time but I can only do that because it's a term time job within school hours, plus I work 4 days a week and can move my day off as needed to enable me to take DS to appointments etc.

I could have written this post.

I juggled working and caring for years and all that I was rewarded with for it was burnout and a breakdown. I'm still trying to claw my way out of burn out.

My eldest is late teens. Still can't be left alone. Doesnt go out without an adult. Very very much still needs me as his carer.

Youngest is preschool age and I can see his isn't neurotypical but no one else wants to agree with me.....yet. 😔 I've no idea how I'm going to juggle both of their needs when youngest starts school. I'll need a clone. 😢

Being a parent carer and living on carers allowance is shit. No one wishes for it.

Anyone making judgy comments would be getting a snarky reply and not seeing me again for a good long time, if ever.

You don't NEED to spend time with people who make you feel crappy.

I think when you're a mother you will get judged regardless. If you work you're uncaring, putting your career before your children etc. If you don't work, well, as you've seen yourself...

100% - cannot win whatever you do!

Im in a similar position. DS is Autistic along with several other diagnosed conditioned and is only managing half days at school at the moment. DP is hands on but works long days to financially provide for us and i am default parent. DS also doesnt sleep well so i often only get a couple of hours a night.

He gets higher level care DLA and low mobility has an EHCP and i get carers allowance.

I recently hired a cleaner for 2hrs a week because i am absolutely exhausted and trying to keep the house clean was making me miserable so i use half my carers allowance to pay for it...... now i have constant comments from people "what do you do all day now your youngest is in school fulltime, you dont even have to clean"....... I sleep, i shower in peace and i do endless paperwork

I could have written this too.

Unless people are going through similar they have no idea how stressful and exhausting it is, and are best ignored.

My situation has recently got somewhat easier, but I have no idea if this is permanent, or if I need to hold my breath for things to turn again - that’s the joy of it all, the unpredictability of the future!

I have ds who is autistic, he gets PIP, I get caters allowance. I’ve needed to be flexible to meet his needs (and those of my dd, also gets PIP, is likely autistic and is away at uni but still needing lots of support), and it’s not possible to find a job that will allow the flexibility my dc need.

There is a massive issue in.tbis country where people judge you on your job. Think about when.people say, 'what do you do?' we usually reply talking about our job instead of our interests. Ignore their I'll judged comments. If you and yiur husband have not had a night alone perhaps one of the critics might give up their time to help? Suddenly busy no doubt.

you need to minimise contact with you in-laws. Your MIL appears to have as many brains as a brick.