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Original poster

Was this normal in the 80s/early 90s (potential abuse)

34 replies

Wasthisabuse · 24/10/2022 00:03

My mother and stepfather were both very abusive people to me (not my brothers, just me)

Every kind of abuse you can imagine, my mother even called my SA an affair and she forgave me (I was 11 and he was in his 50s when she found out)

My stepfather is long dead, and my mother is in her 80s now, but I recently received a letter from her detailing what a great mum she is and how things were acceptable on that time period that aren't now and I'm just a dick basically. Also saying I'm judging her parenting by today's standards.

A lot of the abuse (beatings with various things etc) is obviously abuse, but she is defending some things.

making me eat a tub of butter when I was unwell, I would only be allowed a day off if I ate all the butter otherwise I wasn't deemed ill enough.

if I bit my nails she would put tabasco sauce all over my tongue and make me sit with my tounge out for 10 mins like that.

if I said I didn't like what she cooked for dinner (everything was always deep friend and disgusting) she would make me go to the garden and eat dirt.

if I had a shower and put a tiny bit of water on the floor she would get her husband to stand in the room next time, sometimes filming it so they could tell me what I was doing wrong, this went on until I was about 15.

She says all of these things were normal, so I'm just checking, they weren't, were they?

I'm not replying to her letter, I have no intention of ever talking to her again, I haven't for over a decade. She's gaslighting me again, isn't she?

OP posts:

TheArtfulStodger · 24/10/2022 00:05

None of that is normal, period. None of that ever WAS normal. I'm so sorry 💐

Kanaloa · 24/10/2022 00:06

I think you’re aware that these things aren’t normal. I don’t think you really need to ask.

I’d mark the letter return to sender, ignore any further communication, and look into some professional therapy.

ofwarren · 24/10/2022 00:07

None of that was normal, no. I'm sorry she did that to you and you are right, she is gaslighting.
I'd say smacking was more acceptable in that time but the things you are describing are way, way beyond that.

ErrolTheDragon · 24/10/2022 00:08

Of course none of that was 'acceptable' then, or ever.

thaegumathteth · 24/10/2022 00:09

No none of it normal. I don't even remember anyone I know owning a video camera so that definitely wasn't normal even without the obvious WTAF is the talking about element.

Ponderingwindow · 24/10/2022 00:10

Sad to say the Tobasco method of “discipline” was touted publicly by whack-jobs claiming to be parenting experts during that time period. They were called out for advocating abuse but definitely had followers.

DelphiniumBlue · 24/10/2022 00:10

None of that was acceptable then, or ever. It has never been OK to allow an adult man to film a naked teenager, or to make a child eat dirt. Never. Or to force feed a child. It is the sort of cruel behaviour that had people prosecuted.
Please don't have anything to do with her.

Pixiedust1234 · 24/10/2022 00:10

Strange for her to send a letter after so long. Just bin it.

JustOrderADoor · 24/10/2022 00:11

(((HUG)))

yes, she's gaslighting you again.

NONE of those were normal then, nor at anytime previously.

it was THEM it was NEVER you. It was abuse. I'm glad he's dead and I'm glad you're staying away from your 'mother'. I hope you can get some help from professionals & that you have people in your life that make you feel loved.

Youngatheart00 · 24/10/2022 00:11

I’m sorry you had to endure this. No, none of it is normal, and they sound like vile individuals.

Cherryblossoms85 · 24/10/2022 00:11

She's right that many of the things my parents did were legal and common, as in they sometimes smack me. That's it. What she did was ritual humiliation and she sounds absolutely bonkers. Well done on not seeing her tbh!

Delilahonabike · 24/10/2022 00:11

Categorically not normal OP and I grew up in the same era as you. All the things you describe are horribly abusive and yes, she is gaslighting you

Original poster

Wasthisabuse · 24/10/2022 00:13

Thank you, I didn't think it was but I doubt myself a lot and don't have anyone irl to ask about this.

She is so sure this is how kids were punished at that time and had never swayed from that view.

My childhood was awful so I struggle with what's normal and not as I can be really sensitive, and easily manipulated as I seek approval from everyone.

I did the therapy thing, but I found raking it all up really traumatic so I stopped doing it.

She just knows how to push my buttons (I know she has a letter to give me when she dies as well so she can get the last word in, that will be getting binned without opening it) this letter was a surprise, on the anniversary of my sons death, she knew what she was doing. I'll just burn it.

OP posts:

Discovereads · 24/10/2022 00:15

Oh OP they are all clearly child abuse. None of it is normal at all.
I can sympathise on the Tabasco sauce..my parents tried to stop my finger sucking and one of the methods they tried was to rub hot chili oil on my hands at bedtime. Which not only was agony in my mouth and made me cry, but then by wiping away my tears, I would also get it into my eyes (double ouch). It doesn’t sound like much, but I remember the searing and burning of it so my heart goes out to you 💐

Original poster

Wasthisabuse · 24/10/2022 00:19

Pixiedust1234 · 24/10/2022 00:10

Strange for her to send a letter after so long. Just bin it.

I think she's ill, not 100% sure but I've heard a couple of things through the grape vine.

She does try to get at me often. There were monthly calls to SS for a while, then when she found out where I worked she sent emails to them telling them to warn all male staff about me because I'm a homeworker, then when I had cancer she found out and continually called the ward saying I have munchausen , same with when my dd was really ill she phoned the hospital about 20 tines saying I had poisoned dd, beaten her etc, she covered all bases because she didn't know what was wrong with my dd (who she's never even met). She's sent the police over to do welfare checks, she's called my kids schools with various things.... the list goes on. This is the first letter though.

OP posts:

Sandcastlesinthesky · 24/10/2022 00:20

Not normal. I’m sorry you went through that.

Hapoydayz · 24/10/2022 00:20

Not normal at all and was abusive. As a child in the 70’s that would have been considered horrific and no doubt decades before. Don’t let her claim is was normal back them. It wasn’t.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/10/2022 00:21

If he wasn't dead (and burning in hell if you believe in that sort of thing) I'd suggest taking it to the police.

But as it is no, no, no, none of that was parenting, it is all abuse.

Please look after yourself.

Largethighsbadeyes · 24/10/2022 00:22

Not normal. Not acceptable.

I would report the abuse. Its never too late

Original poster

Wasthisabuse · 24/10/2022 00:28

There was a time before he died that I was going to go to the police, then he got really ill and died in a pretty prolonged, undignified and painful way, which I was delighted about.

Now so much is going on I don't think I could handle giving statements and what little evidence I have and having to face her again. She's a nasty bitter old woman with no love in her life.

I am surrounded with my beautiful children who are amazing without me having to lift a finger to them throughout their childhoods, the older ones have great jobs, and one has his own place, the other is saving for a deposit on a house, the little ones are thriving, I don't have any friends as I have severe trust issues but I work away at my house, bring up my kids and have a very content life mostly.

She just likes to pop up every now and then to unsettle me.

OP posts:

ErrolTheDragon · 24/10/2022 00:30

She's sent the police over to do welfare checks, she's called my kids schools with various things.... the list goes on. This is the first letter though.

In that case, don't burn the letter. If she pulls these vile stunts again show it to them, and suggest that it's her who should be getting the visits.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/10/2022 00:33

@Wasthisabuse you are one of the people in the world I most admire, a circuit-breaker. Someone who has had a terrible time themselves and has managed to raise her own children in a healthy, happy place.

I would love to know what helps with that. What makes someone the person who changes things. Whatever else you've had to deal with, I hope you are incredibly proud of that.

AnElegantChaos · 24/10/2022 00:37

This is in no way normal. We used to get smacked (quite a lot) in the 70s/80s, but whatever your views on that, it was totally acceptable at the time. What you're describing is way, way beyond that and I know most parents of that time who did smack their kids would in no way have considered behaving in the ways you have described. Really sorry you had to deal with that, it's horrific.

custardbear · 24/10/2022 00:39

No that's awful! Perhaps patenting was shitty and bullying then but ffs that's all kinds of wrong from many angles

I'd be inclined to consider how you'd like her to feel basically on her death bed, and how you'd feel moving on when she dies wirh your choices now.
Make peace with yourself and tell her sone home truths, which may sting her but I'd guess she's trying to gaslight and be forgiven or, brush under the carpet and either move on if you can or seek therapy to help. Soon she'll be gone so make your choices soon

Whatever you chose, remember, it's not your fault, none of it

TurquoiseDress · 24/10/2022 00:46

This is awful

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