What do you think about this for the start of a story?

[FuckingHell123]

Be as blunt as you like:

The windscreen wipers sweeped angrily from side to side, battling each violent raindrop as the heavens continued to open on that wet, torrential evening in April 1996. Everyone had been expecting an early heatwave that bank holiday weekend and the evidence of that was clear as Tom Williams watched the young adults of the town stumble clumsily across the pebble stones in and out of the various bars on Epney Road, shielding their summer clothing with last minute umbrellas and holding jackets over their heads. He was amusingly reminiscing his own youth as Ruby Collier yanked open the door and threw herself down on the back seat with a grateful sigh. He had been a cab driver for 25 years at that point and knew every street within a 15 mile radius. So when she asked to be taken to North Street he knew exactly what route to take. She had been his eleventh passenger that night, a night that had been nothing out of the ordinary. Except it wasn't, twenty years later it still haunted him and he still hated the association. Hanging around his neck like an unwanted burden that refused to go away like a wasp buzzing around his head. Because he had been the last link in the chain. His name was forever tainted to that night. After he dropped Ruby Collier to her destination on the outside of a disused train station, nobody ever saw her again.

It has some promise, but overworked metaphors and boring details for me, could do with a decent edit to halve it.

For example, it adds nothing to the story how well he recognises the street name, how many fares he has already had.

And the burden, wasp line really doesn’t work.

Sorry..

Pebble stones or cobble stones?

As pp said, too much filler and the 'like a' twice in the same sentance doesn't work.

First line is the 'It was a dark and stomy night' cliche, which grates a bit. The rest is a bit 'tell not show' - eg. when you say 'amusingly,' it makes it feel weaker, because there's nothing amusing in the actual text to support it. I find the tenses make it feel a bit clunky, too. I agree with a PP about the wasp sentence not making sense, and 'tainted' means 'made dirty/stained' not 'tied'.

I think you need to cut it a lot, and maybe write it so we get some sense of the cab driver's voice? At the moment it feels a bit impersonal.

That second sentence is way too long.

Honestly, it’s too wordy and heavy on the metaphors and adjectives. Let the reader build a bit of the picture themselves, don’t just lay it all out or they will quickly lose interest.

A brief edit helps

The windscreen wipers sweeped angrily from side to side, battling each violent raindrop as the heavens continued to open on that wet evening in April 1996. Everyone had been expecting an early heatwave that bank holiday that weekend and Tom Williams smiled as he watched people stumble in and out of bars shielding summer clothing with umbrellas or holding a jacket over their head.

Tom was reminiscing his own youth when Ruby Collier yanked open the door and threw herself down on the back seat with a grateful sigh. He had been a cab driver for 25 years and knew every street within a 15 mile radius. She was his eleventh passenger that night, a night that until then had been perfectly ordinary. Twenty years later, it still haunted him. He had been the last link in the chain and his name was forever associated with that fateful night. He dropped Ruby to her destination outside a disused train station and nobody ever saw her again.

OP also- is English your first language? Please don’t think I’m being rude asking that but some of it doesn’t quite come across as if you’re a native speaker.

His name was forever tainted to that night.

This line doesn't make sense, you can't be 'tainted to' something. Do you mean 'tainted by'?

Take care not to fall into the trap of many first time novelists and think you need to fill every sentence with an abundance of imagery and minute detail. Less is definitely more particularly for this genre you need to find the voice and keep it real.

@lechatnoir I agree that makes a big difference - the one thing that jumps out at me is 'as he watched people stumble in and out of bars shielding summer clothing with umbrellas or holding a jacket over their head' needs to be 'as he watched people stumble in and out of bars shielding summer clothing with umbrellas or holding jackets over their heads'.

Swept, not sweeped I think for the windscreen wipers. Happy to be corrected though.

Agree to both @SarahAndQuack @Rubyfw5

There's definitely potential there but something that immediately stood out for me was the numbers, 5 in one opening is an awful lot and it reads more like maths than a story. Generally though it gives a decent opening 'vibe'.

I think as well, reading for content rather than style, I would be wondering where this is going in terms of a surprise. Usually, if it's crime fiction (is it?) there's something to make you turn the page. It's a dark stormy night, there are women wearing inappropriately summery clothes, a single woman gets into a cab, drops her off at a disused railway station (!) and she's never heard from again.

It's like a tick-list of myths about Bad Things Will Happen If You Go Out At Night Young Lady.

I would expect your average cabbie wouldn't think thinking 'oh, this seems ordinary'. He'd be thinking 'why the fuck does anyone want to be dropped off at a disused railway station, this is very weird'.

Name changed for this:

I’m also six chapters into my first attempt, not quite a novel, more a dramatisation of real figures in history, basically where dead people in a cemetery talk to one another. It’s my retelling if the fascinating people and their lives - from millionaires to militants, paupers to not quite princes but as good as, in my village cemetery.

What do you think of this, please?

She sits on the warm mossy grass just inside his grave, her back resting against the stone wall topped with iron railings.
The plot is 12 feet square, so there’s ample room to stretch her thin, gangly legs out in front of her while she makes looping daisy chains, the long tendrils snaking out over her cream linen shroud.
“You do know you killed me, don’t you?” she asks conversationally. For a while he says nothing, just letting the breeze fill the space between them.
Then gently, with mild exasperation only touching the edges of his patience, he answers: “We’ve been through this before Maggie. You know I didn’t, couldn’t have, as, my dear young lady, I was dead nearly 100 years before you were born.”

Thanks, yes English is my first language! This was very rushed I only thought of it within 10 minutes last night and had a couple of positive comments. I copied and pasted, should have re-read properly first. Agree with all your advice I will rehash it, definitely the tainted comment and double "like a" 🤦🏼‍♀️

You don’t need wet and torrential - can an evening be torrential, in any case?
I’m not sure where we are located: you mention a bank holiday (British) but also a cab driver (US).
“Reminiscing” needs “about” after it.
It’s a bit confusing about the timings... he’d been a cab driver for 25 years… was that 20 years ago or now?
“His name was forever tainted to that night” doesn’t make any sense.
Should be “dropped Ruby Collier AT her destination”.

So many embellishments make it a bit confusing to be honest. Is the Ruby thing in the past, and he’s remembering it? I am intrigued but confused.

I think it would be better form to ask on your own thread really.

I like the concept (sort of- as it wouldn’t really ‘go’ anywhere what with them all being already dead but it is an interesting idea) but that particular part you’ve shared doesn’t do anything for me. Sorry.

Fair comment on both points. Sorry for crashing your thread @FuckingHell123

I would expect your average cabbie wouldn't think thinking 'oh, this seems ordinary'. He'd be thinking 'why the fuck does anyone want to be dropped off at a disused railway station, this is very weird'.

This was the part that jumped out at me too. It's not an ordinary destination, so the fact the cab driver thought it was an ordinary night before the disappearance seemed off to me.

I need a reason why she's being dropped off there that doesn't make it suspicious. Is the disused railway station the name of a club, or a place used as a meet up point for drugs or other criminal behaviour etc?

Apologies, my maths comment was too strong, was just trying to say there was a lot of numbers thrown in at once, which didn't necessarily benefit the story.

Yeah, a disused railway station- no need! Dropped off at a nondescript address/house- would be far more believable.

Too wordy for me . I hate drawn out sentences that last 100 words when 40 will do . There is intrigue there though so if it wasn't such a word salad it has promised

It's very waffly, and isn't it swept instead of sweeped.?

Yes it's swept, the tainted comment makes no sense. Lesson learned - don't rush and paste whilst in a noisy atmosphere!! I'll have another look at it later and concentrate on it in peace and quiet... without brain farting.