What does ‘be kind to yourself’ mean to you?

[whomoon]

Just that really.

I hear/see it so often now, sometimes I wonder what in fact it really means to others?

Positive self talk. Talk to yourself kindly, as you would to others.

To stop telling myself that I’m a terrible person.

This is what I’m interested in. In what way do you talk kindly to yourself? Genuine question. Sometimes it feels like an ambiguous answer

I look at myself in the mirror and say ‘Well, everything’s gone to shit, but I love you anyway.’

I view it as meaning speak to yourself as you would to others, so if you are in a situation think what you would say to a friend in a similar situation e.g. rather than saying what a terrible person you are you might say, oh dear you did the best you could in that situation, even if it didnt turn out how you wanted it to.

I cut myself some slack. I did the best I could but now it’s time for rest and rejuvenation. J had a lot to do today and now I have a lot to do tomorrow.

the old me would have near killed myself getting it all done today.

I take it as stopping negative self talk, stop putting myself down or asking myself what I'd say to a friend in they were in my situation.

Maybe the phrase is less meaningful if you aren't in the habit of being somewhat harsh and judgemental of yourself. If your tendency is to berate and criticise yourself for even the most minor slipup, then it can come as something of a revelation that one might cut oneself a little slack, and forgive oneself those shortcomings that are part of being human. I think some people are naturally kinder to themselves anyway though.

Try to stop feeling like you’re failing everybody, including yourself.

For me it would mean taking a bath, relaxing with a book. Enjoying a tea or sweet treat. Generally doing something that helps me relax and feel good. Rather than talking to myself / words of affirmation etc.

Oh I always thought it was more practical approach. Eat well, sleep enough, don't overdo it. But I am my own favourite person - I'm far more critical of others than I am of myself 😚

@PisanCantos thats sweet. I’m going to try this 🥰

I think this rings true for me. I have never needed to think about being kinder to myself because I’m generally not hard on myself, nor have much stress/pressures in life.

For me, doing the practical things such as having a bath, or a lie in, I relate to more

This. We are generally harder on ourselves than we are with others so I try and think what I would say to a friend in the same situation.

At the moment it would mean allow yourself to resign from your job because it's making you ill...
But usually it would mean 'remember you can't do everything and you can't be perfect, so accept yourself and your efforts as being good enough and be happy with that'

@whomoon did you have very kind /uncritical parents? It’s so nice that you aren’t harsh to yourself. I’m very harsh to myself, but I had an extremely critical mother. Wondering if there’s a link there? Or whether you are just made that way!

On that not, also, can I ask: Do you get really upset when others are upset, or do other peoples issues not bother you that much? Like, do you just whoosh on, and not dwell or worry much? In other words, are not impacted too much by other peoples pains etc?

I agree with the above that it’s about cutting yourself some slack and accepting things aren’t always going to be perfect. I like thinking this phrase to myself “do your best and fuck the rest”

Definitely the self talk side.

My DS has asd and says his inner monologue out loud, its awful sometimes 'why are you so stupid' etc. I have to remind him to be kind to himself, he's a lovely kid and would never say that to someone else so I remind him to treat himself as he would treat others.

I think there could be a link. My parents are both kind and uncritical. Let me live my life as I wished, there was no pressure or harsh opinions. Just support and guidance when i needed it. Sorry your mother was so critical. Does it affect you to this day?

on your second question, I am actually extremely affected by others being upset. My DP says I care so much I end up feeling others pain. Perhaps because I don’t have stresses or upset myself, I have plenty of room for others and take too much of that in. But then that allows me to be supportive to others as the upset is not directed at me, if that makes sense?

Often it can mean think about yourself for a change and stop bending over backwards trying to keep everyone else happy.

How many times do you read on MN "oh I couldn't possibly do that because they will be upset/offended/cry".

So what? They aren't bothered about you being upset.

Be kind to yourself

@whomoon my second question was to sort of check whether you were a psychopath ;-). You see, my mum is one and she has no empathy, and sometimes I wonder if she actually has any critical self talk. She finds herself to be quite wonderful… and tells everyone this too.

Yes, I was hugely effected by my mother’s criticism and suffered from years of eating disorders etc. she’s elderly now and has been foul to others in her older age, so many others know what she’s like. It’s meant I’ve seen her for who she really is (having kids showed me this, too).

She used to say, it’s best I say these (various nasty) things to you first, before others do, like she was doing me a favour. Whereas, in fact (and as I think psychology shows!) your parents kind approach was the right one.

I think you’re really lucky for having a kind inner voice, and it’s a real credit to your parents that you weren’t even sure what a mean one was. you’ve inspired me to start trying to adopt one more for me.

Btw, the poster who mentions her autistic son having a critical inner voice, it goes to show that parents aren’t always the “cause”. Interestingly, the GP wondered if my mum is autistic, but I don’t think she is (autistic people tend to recognise their issues?). Whereas she thinks she is quite splendid and certainly has a cruel psychopath personality disorder, however.

I always think 'would I say this to my friend' when I am criticising myself. Especially for things like not doing the cleaning when feeling under the weather etc. Would I judge a friend with a bad cold who hadn't done the hoovering? No, of course I wouldn't so why I am putting that pressure on myself. Treat myself as I treat others, with kindness.

Regular sessions with a vibey 😃😉.

For me: I look after myself as much as I do everyone else. Ie I eat a good breakfast and take my vitamins. Get fresh air and exercise. I pull my weight but don't martyr myself. If I'm not well I go sick at work. I tell my family to take a day now rather than fighting through pain/sickness or whatever, which would probably cause a health crash and more time off. I won't run myself ragged to do things for other people that they are capable of doing for themselves, but I will drop everything for them when it's necessary.

I have a fairly self deprecating sense of humour but pretty good boundaries about how I let other people treat me. And I've learnt not to worry too much about what other people think of me.
Most of this has come about via therapy and increasing age.

Entertain the possibility that you are not a terrible person.