To think it's not unreasonable to expect a best friend to say have a nice holiday?

[Zesty291]

I've been having friendship issues with my 'best' friend for a while now. I basically think she's trying to ghost me but after 30 years of friendship I'm not going easily (ie.i keep getting in touch and she replies with the absolute minimum).

3 years ago DH and I booked a once in a life time holiday with the DC. It was delayed due to covid but its finally come around.

I've had some well wishes off colleagues, family members and friends. Just the normal 'have a lovely trip, look forward to hearing about it when you're back, safe travels etc' just standard niceties.

Radio silence off my friend.

That's not 'normal' is it?

I should add she has nothing particularly stressful, preoccupying going on in her life.

🤣🤣

I feel like I've leant on her as little as possible over the last 2 years, I thankfully have other lovely friends who have really been there for me and my family are incredible.

I've made so many excuses to myself for her. I think I've just not wanted to deal with another emotionally hurtful situation, I've been putting a pin in it because I just haven't had the resources to deal with it but now that I'm better I can focus on other things and see the situation for what it really is.

This holiday is a big one. One I thought I'd never actually get to go on. She knows about it (not because I've bragged or anything, its just been a passing comment in a group chat).

It's just very telling that everyone else in my life who is aware of what I've been though and knows that we're going away has acknowledged it, not by making a big fuss or anything just an acknowledgement.

I'm just sad about it.

I don't think I have ever wished someone well on their holidays- I wouldn't read into that. I might ask if they had a good time when I next saw them but really unless I was driving them to the airport I wouldn't say anything.

Yeh, really funny.

MN at its finest.

God I cant remember where or when my friends are going on holiday let alone remember to tell them to have a good time. I will ask them about it when they get back if something reminds me they went but thats about the extent of that.

I love my best friend to the moon and back, we’ve been there for each other for all the hardest things in life, but unless we were chatting the day before she went away it probably wouldn’t occur to me to text her “have a nice holiday”

I'm afraid it sounds like she doesn't want to be friends anymore unfortunately.

Are there any events/fallouts/issues that could have caused this? Or is it completely out of the blue?

No I wouldn't expect my best friend to comment. After your holiday, you need to let go of this friendship I think

I wish I could remember every single thing any of my friends told me but I can't.......I can't even remember what I have to do most of the time.

Also, the not going easy thing makes you sound quite overbearing? Have you asked her why she seems to be removing herself from the friendship?

I don’t think it’s normal to remember other people’s holiday arrangements and to wish them a good holiday in general.

But you will know your friend better than any comments here, so you will be aware if something feels off. And that is unpleasant and tricky

OP

A warning - you’ve very much asked the wrong question, which means you’re going to gets loads and load and loads of tedious replies saying you’re bonkers to expect a bon voyage text from a friend, and this isn’t A Thing, etc, etc……

When actually, that’s really not what you’re upset about, or asking about.

The pile on will be real.

There really are some nasty cunts on this site!

Since this is the question you’re asking - I have never messaged anyone specifically to say have a nice holiday in my life unless they’re already there and have posted a nice picture.

When are you going on holiday and what do you actually want her yo say/ do? I'm confused.

If she's your best friend then no it's not too much to ask that she wishes you a happy holiday. I do to my close friends and family. However she's obviously decided to withdraw from your friendship for whatever reason and I think you need to accept that.

I think this is a friendship that can only be saved face-to-face. You clearly have different perceptions of the last few years and will read messages the wrong way, making things worse.

It's not that common to text someone happy holiday, out of the blue. It's more normal as part of an ongoing conversation.
I wouldn't see it as evidence of ghosting.

Have a lovely holiday OP, see your friend in person when you get back and don't give it any headspace in the meantime.

It’s perfectly normal not to send on holiday wishes. It’s not a birthday.

I think you should let her go.

OP, being unpleasant to strangers is all some people have got to excite them. Don't take it personally.

Your friend sounds like a dick tbh, it you have a problem with someone you've known for 30 years, just fucking tell them.

Eh?
I don't get your perspective at all.
If a friend of mine goes on a holiday I always enjoy some photos sent on WhatsApp or Facebook and reply with "looks lovely" or whatever, I wouldn't think I'd be expected to praise them in advance for their trip or anything.

This.
Unless someone asked me if I could drop them at the airport, I really wouldn't hold in my mind the date someone else was going on holiday (and that includes people living in the same house).
I think your expectations around the question you have asked are quite unreasonable.

Obviously no idea what is going on other than that with the friendship.
However, I would say that sometimes friendships run their course, and sometimes they get put on a back burner during different periods of your life. Sometime you just have to accept that.

That sounds really hard. I had a really old friend who I found really hard to be around, for like a year, and I wondered at times if we were going to have a big, loud falling out. Instead we just didn’t really speak for a time. But we picked it up again eventually and while we don’t see each other loads, I know we do matter to each other (and it’s not one-sided). Maybe don’t try to force it - I doubt it will present either of you at your best. This stuff is painful though when it’s a really close friend - honestly I think the best idea is to cultivate lots of friendships and accept that friendship often ebbs and flows a bit.

’Hey [friend] - just wanted to say have a great time on hols, can’t wait to see some pics and catch up when you’re back!’

Or some such.

How is it confusing?! So weird that people think this is weird. But then again, this is MN - home of terminally anti-social hermits that seem to loathe any sort of fraternising with other humans….

I'm the absolute opposite of a terminally anti-social hermits that seem to loathe any sort of fraternising with other humans…., but I have enough trouble remembering where I need to be throughout the week, without putting lists of friends holidays in my calendar too.

Did you see the poster’s comment I was posting?

The one who doesn’t seem to understand how to text a friendly message to a friend?

I'm low key on social media and very few group chats. If a friend was going on holiday, I may not remember to wish them a good time but would love to hear about it when they got back. If a friend or even a work colleague mentioned in a group chat or in person they were going on holiday, I'd always wish them well.

Few years back I was on a group chat with three women, known them all 30 years, one of them counted as a very good friend. Absolute radio silence when we went to Croatia in August. Whereas the previous month there'd been lots of chat about their holidays in the med and the holiday home in France. Think I'd moved out of their perceived pecking order whereas I was just trying something different. 🙄 sadly we barely speak now as I came off social media and out of the line of fire. I do feel sad especially about two of them, but at least I don't feel like an emotional punchbag on social media!

I'd take a step back from this friendship and go and have a lovely holiday.

In itself I don't think it's an issue at all. It wouldn't occur to me to wish someone a happy holiday unless they are in my presence and off the next day or something. I wouldn't text anyone other than my daughters. So in answer to the question you actually asked, there's nothing abnormal about it, so please don't let it spoil your holiday.

But given your stressy responses, it seems like this is the straw that's broken the camels back when it comes to the friendship, and just the latest of many things that are bothering you. So if she's ghosting you, the most dignified response is to let her.