Funeral Etiquette Question

[EllieQ]

I’m trying to decide whether I should go to a funeral, and would appreciate the wisdom of MNetters.

My friend’s mum died last week, and I am trying to decide whether I should go to the funeral. I am torn as I did not know her mum very well, so me going to the funeral may seem odd. However, my friend went to my mum’s funeral, and that it meant a lot to me that she was there. Would you feel it was appropriate for me to attend?

A little more background: This is a friend from school. We have both moved away from our hometown, but she didn’t go far while I am over two hours away. She knew my parents quite well as she usually came to my house when we were teenagers (as it was just me at home while she had annoying younger siblings), so I didn’t know her mum that much.

It was easier for her to attend my mum’s funeral (back in my hometown) as it was only a short drive for her, while I’d have a longer journey. I’d only be able to stay for the day, so likely would only see her at the funeral itself. I still feel that I should go, but don’t want to be there if it’s inappropriate.

Disclaimer: some details have been changed in case she or a family member is on MN.

I would go

I would go without hesitation.

I would go too.

I'd go. It's entirely appropriate for you to support your friend.

Yes, go. Funerals are for those left behind, not the deceased and shell appreciate the support.

Equally, if the travel is all a bit much, I don't think anyone will be expecting you to be there.

The dead person won’t know or care. Your friend will. Do go.

I would go if you can.

You’re there to support your friend. That’s a good enough reason to go to a funeral. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t know her mum well. She is grieving and needs friendly faces of those who care about her with her at the funeral.

Id go. I’d assume she wants you there unless she’s said she doesn’t want you there.

Yes definitely go. It shows your support for your friend and respect for her mother.
It is surprising how much comfort it gives to the bereaved by knowing people have ‘gone out of their way’

I would personally ask your friend whether she’d prefer you to be there

Having in the last year had a funeral for my sister and my father, I cannot put into words how I felt when people came to their funerals. They came to support me and to show their respects. It makes me emotional now just thinking about them! Honestly it means so much! Go if you can!

Absolutely you should go as she went to your mum's funeral and supported you. It's now right that you should support her now through her bereavement.

You are going for your friend, not for how well you knew her mum, so assuming she is a good friend (rather than a now distant old school friend) it would be kind of you to go

Agree with the others to go. it'll mean a lot to your friend that you've made the effort.

Go, she sounds like a supportive friend. Do the same for her.

You go for your friend, not the deceased.

Please go

Go.

If I were your friend I’d really appreciate you being there, and would be touched that you’d made an effort.

Yes, go if you can.

I would go. I was recently bereaved and I really, really appreciate the people who came to support me at the funeral.

"I still feel that I should go."

So go, because you feel you would like to be there.

I had a recent bereavement and I have sadly stopped contact with a friend due to her lack of support. I could not see a way forward with our friendship as I felt so let down. If you go it shows you care and that you respect/recognise her loss.

Went to a friend's Mum's funeral last week, it was about supporting my friend

I went to a friends mums funeral 6 months ago. It was 600 miles away and I needed to sort work and childcare to be able to go. I hadn’t seen the mum
in 20 years. I’m so glad I went, for my friend.