Thinking about parent’s funeral - how does it work in practice?

[funeralconfusion]

Have to think about it, parent very likely won’t be here that much longer - terminally ill but not in a position to make their wishes known sadly .

I know they have a funeral plan and it’s bought and paid for - but I don’t know what exactly . Paperwork is with a relative at the moment so I can’t easily access it - and don’t feel comfortable asking for it just now in case relative thinks I’m wishing parent gone - which isn’t the case at all, I just feel I’d be able to
cope better if I have an idea of what to expect .

Sibling has seen plan a couple of years ago and remembers that everything was covered in terms of burial, coffin, fees, cars, etc . We think it doesn’t go as far as stipulating type of service, music etc .

The plan is with local funeral directors but their website talks a lot about co-op funerals so I think the plan is actually with co-op.

The funeral director doesn’t have a bit that you can do the actual funeral in . Their website has details of churches and the crematorium.

Parent was religious - Catholic - but we aren’t sure if we want an RC funeral or if indeed they would . Thoughts are having done RC funerals many many times you typically aren’t allowed photos, secular music, etc . Family have suggested previously we try to get a celebrant so it’s mix of religious and secular and not to the exclusion of either iyswim .

So I don’t know what would typically happen in this scenario? We’ve googled a bit and there’s only two funeral directors in the area with a bit you can do the service in - and one crematorium . If you don’t want a religious funeral, you don’t really want a cremation and your funeral director doesn’t have a ‘hall’ you can do the service in what typically happens, where do they have the actual funeral - do they use someone else’s premises?

There is a church right next to the cemetery actually … but it’s CoS and not Catholic so not sure they’d be happy for us to use it - even if it’s not a Catholic funeral .

You mention burial as opposed to cremation - is there a burial plot? Where is it - churchyard or cemetery?

The plan will mean that the funeral directors who have the plan (ifyswim) will collect your parent when they, sadly, finally die and take them to their premises until the service/burial.

I am not sure about the where will they do the service question you ask but if some funeral directors have a hall for use perhaps ask them if it is available for hire if you are not actually using them as funeral directors.

There is yes, that’s been paid for (burial plot) . It’s in a council cemetery but there’s a church right next to it .

This might not be helpful but my neighbour died a few years ago. She was not religious as such and didn't attend church, but knew the minister from a local church who visited her in her last weeks. The funeral was at the local crematorium and wasn't a set religious service but the minister did say a few words, and iirc there were 2 hymns. It wasn't like a full religious service but there were some religious elements.

Regarding music pick what you think best reflects them, what they would like and the same with the type of service unless they have said previously what type of service they would like. One of my aunts made her wishes for a High Anglican service explicit and that was what she had in a Church and then onto a crematorium for the last bit.

I’m sorry that your parent is terminally I’ll.

you have knowledge which undertakers the plan has been organised with, so from a practical stance this will make your dealings easier.

on the passing of your parent, either from home or hospital, you’ll be able to contact the undertaker and they will help you from that point onwards.

They will be able to advise you on the plans, as they should also have a copy and answer the questions you have hear.

They will come to the home or hospital to take care of your parent for you & look after them.

It’s in a council cemetery

Isn't there a chapel at the cemetery? It should be available for religious and non-religious services. The funeral director will arrange it with the cemetery.

Funeral directors exist to take all of the stress out of organising the nuts and bolts of a funeral. These are questions to ask them.

Your first step is to contact the relative and get all the details of the funeral plan and exactly who it's with (almost certainly your local place - CoOp is just a franchise, really). It won't sound like you are wanting your parents gone - just that you are being prepared for that eventuality, and you're worried about what's in place. Maybe spin them a story about a friend whose parent died and they didn't have details, and you don't want this to happen to you, you want to be prepared.....blah blah blah.

Then phone up the funeral director and ask about some of the details. When my DSDad died a couple of years ago they had details of all the places you could have the funeral and put us in touch with a celebrant.

The question about whether you want Catholic or not is a personal one, really.

The Church may well be open to doing a less religious service, the choice of music/hymns/readings are down to the family it would be worth talking to the Church to see what options are available just to get some clarity as to whether that would be an option or not, it would be the easiest option due to the proximity to the cemetery.

Churches do funeral services for people who have never set foot inside a Church except for weddings so I can't imagine they would refuse to do one for your parent.

Thank you

The same undertaker has not long buried both my grandparents, but theirs was a (tiny) bit easier as they were very clear on wanting a traditional RC funeral . I’ve toyed over doing the same for parent but having sat through my grandparents - which felt like a normal mass in some ways - I’d want my parent’s funeral full of laughter and things that made her her . Parent hasn’t been to mass for years .

Sibling and I have managed to get two hymns and two readings between us, and have an idea of two other songs we’d want played .

I might well contact the church next to the cemetery and see what they say, and will try to ask relative - I’ve got a relative who could maybe act as a go between, she’s a bit more confident in asking these things !

thanks so much, it’s so difficult to ask anyone this in r/l .

That's a very good point, check out whether this is the case @funeralconfusion as that would solve all the problems and you can have whatever type of service you think most fitting.

Funeral directors are very helpful they would be more than willing to talk to you now and set your mind at ease.

My grandma was a staunch Catholic, so her funeral was Catholic. Not all the music was religious, nor were all the readings. For one I read a poem I'd written about her. It would somewhat depend upon the priest.

Ok this is my area of expertise ...

Firstly the coop has lots of member funeral directors which still have the original name before the coop took over.

The plan will cover the basics up to a certain value. You will give the details of the funeral directors to the nursing home if they are in one ahead of time, or to the hospital when they pass away, the funeral directors will help you with the paperwork.

After they have been transferred to the funeral directors facilities you will have an appointment there to choose the package, be wary of them selling extras not included in the prepaid plan.

You can choose a service at a church of your choice or straight at a crematorium or Green burial ground of your choice. You can have a priest/Vicar take the service, an independent celebrant (the funeral directors will have a local list) or even do it yourself, there's no requirement to have a paid person. In fact you don't have to have a service at all - you can choose a direct cremation with nobody present.

Our local pub for instance has funerals (not just a wake) with the coffin there, then the funeral directors drive the deceased away and the wake starts

The same undertaker has not long buried both my grandparents

I am sure they would welcome talking to you now and putting your mind at rest and helping you with making some decisions now as that will make things easier for everyone when the time comes.

My sympathy to you.

My aunt was RC but her funeral was held in a CofE church but conducted by a RC Priest so don't rule out using the CofS Church.

I haven't read everything but Mum was RC and basically when your person passes away you speak to the coroners office and they work with the hospital/hospice to sort a death certificate, then you contact funeral directors so they can collect your relative and prepare them for a viewing if that is wanted (They usually have what is known as a "Chapel of Rest" where this can happen). They would likely have the details of the plan on site as well if they are local to your relative. For RC you would also go and see the priest and you can choose a full church funeral and they have suggested readings etc but you are right its hymns and church music no secular, and you can likely have photos or one big photos but no scrolling screen etc. in the church, but then if you go to the Crem and have a separate service there before the cremation they generally have screens you can use for this and there is opportunity for others to speak as well. If you don't have the priest at the crematorium then secular music is OK but generally comes from a database held by the Crem (they have membership) and you can have pictures on the screens etc. But this on top of the full funeral mass is alot!! It is also possible to just have the Crem with the priest as the main speaker/service leader.

With the funeral plan it would be worth speaking to the relative with the information so you can be prepared - just tell them this, I do understand the sensitivities but we have to be realistic here.

All of this takes time to organise and decisions re music etc take ages so it is worth putting some time in now - and it does help with the goodbyes. We found some lovely prayers which Mum appreciated in her last days, and I later used them with MIL as well - knew them off by heart by then. Usual time frames is around a month from death to funeral in England/Wales not sure of elsewhere. Some areas are busier than others for timings of matching up Crem appts, church and priests time so try not to get too frustrated with it all.

Thank you so, so much - I’m so relieved I asked now ! So my best hope would be to use the church right next to the cemetery then as it’s a beautiful location, very peaceful - and it’s a nice wee church too . We used to go there as children with the school so happy memories .

I do remember at the point that parent was first diagnosed that the GP kept suggesting I got in touch with the minister of that church for support (very small rural village where everyone knows everyone and works together iyswim) .

Thanks so so much, this has been enormously helpful !!!

@funeralconfusion I am in a similar situation. My Uncle has just passed away. We found he had a prepaid plan with AgeUk and although I didn't have the plan number when I phoned them up they were able to find his plan. They told me it was with a particular funeral director but I saw that they had a branch closer to my home and asked if I could use that one. (I think most plans will agree to transport the body between 30-50 miles and the one I selected was only 4 or 5 miles away)
I knew that he wanted a humanist ceremony and they contacted a civil celebrant who they recommended locally. I haven't spoken to her yet but her website says she can facilitate a ceremony with religious or non religious content and can be as big or small part of the service as the family would like.
The funeral director organised a date which she and the local crematorium were available.
I hope this helps .
I would probably phone co-op to see if they can find her plan and email it to you so you can see what is included. And also ask them which funeral director she chose and then contact them for recommendations of celebrants. They will be experienced in all types of ceremony .

The plan will set out what they want : have paid for
You can top up if its only a basic plan.

I think it covers most things - I think it’s the same as my grandparents so covers cars, hearse, burial, headstone etc - the only thing I don’t think it covers is the wake after, or flowers . I’ll try to ask relative if I can see it . It’s enormously difficult as my parent isn’t actively dying just now but highly unlikely to be here past the next 12-18 months . Very difficult situation all round .

Wake and flowers aren't generally covered but it is good that the other stuff is, be aware though that type/style of coffin may also not be covered and they can cost quite a lot. The aunt I mentioned had specified, included and paid for in the plan a wicker coffin.

If you don't want to ask the relative and the plan is with the undertaker you know who was the one who dealt with your grandparents funerals, speak to them I am sure they will let you know exactly what is covered and what is not. It is good to get an idea of all these things before the inevitable because when that comes your mind will turn to mush, we had this with the sudden death of a relative we were all totally blindsided and struggled to decide what to do, looking back we would have made different choices about some things but at the time we were working in complete haze. It made me realise that I need to plan my own funeral and what I want to take away the headache and distress for those left behind.

It is a very difficult situation all round but the more you do now and have clear in your mind makes it one less awful thing to confront and decide at the time when you are grieving.

All the best to you @funeralconfusion I am sorry you are facing this.

That’s what I thought, I remember being told as it was bought ‘if you want a drink after you’ll need to pay for it yourself!’ - I think with the thought I wouldn’t be facing this for years yet . Hopefully my parent’s family can help with that cost as there’s no way I can afford it at the moment sadly . Much as I wish I could !!!

Thanks so much for all the advice on here, it’s been such a huge help!

Is there likely to be any estate left from your parent as costs relating to the funeral/wake can come out of that.

I've been to wakes that have not cost a huge amount in village/Church halls a simple buffet and tea/coffee and also similar in a pub a paid for first drink, drinks after that people paid for themselves and, again, simple catering, also one in a person's house after the funeral, again simple catering and tea/coffee. All of them have been perfect. There are many options, please don't feel you have to go over the top.

I wouldn’t worry about it.
Funeral directors are usually very good at putting together what you want. So you might say Catholic priest and service at X church then burial at this plot, it won’t matter if they’re miles apart. You don’t have to have all the people at the church to the burial either.
Cousin died, we all went to a church service ( church packed to the rafters) then onto somewhere for afternoon tea. His wife, dd, another cousin and I left and went to the burial, just the 4 of us there with funeral director. It was very peaceful, no service just us placing flowers and coffin going in the ground.
Rely on the FD, they’re well experienced.
Sorry to hear your dp are ill.