Thinking about parent’s funeral - how does it work in practice?

[funeralconfusion]

Have to think about it, parent very likely won’t be here that much longer - terminally ill but not in a position to make their wishes known sadly .

I know they have a funeral plan and it’s bought and paid for - but I don’t know what exactly . Paperwork is with a relative at the moment so I can’t easily access it - and don’t feel comfortable asking for it just now in case relative thinks I’m wishing parent gone - which isn’t the case at all, I just feel I’d be able to
cope better if I have an idea of what to expect .

Sibling has seen plan a couple of years ago and remembers that everything was covered in terms of burial, coffin, fees, cars, etc . We think it doesn’t go as far as stipulating type of service, music etc .

The plan is with local funeral directors but their website talks a lot about co-op funerals so I think the plan is actually with co-op.

The funeral director doesn’t have a bit that you can do the actual funeral in . Their website has details of churches and the crematorium.

Parent was religious - Catholic - but we aren’t sure if we want an RC funeral or if indeed they would . Thoughts are having done RC funerals many many times you typically aren’t allowed photos, secular music, etc . Family have suggested previously we try to get a celebrant so it’s mix of religious and secular and not to the exclusion of either iyswim .

So I don’t know what would typically happen in this scenario? We’ve googled a bit and there’s only two funeral directors in the area with a bit you can do the service in - and one crematorium . If you don’t want a religious funeral, you don’t really want a cremation and your funeral director doesn’t have a ‘hall’ you can do the service in what typically happens, where do they have the actual funeral - do they use someone else’s premises?

My Mum died 4 years ago and she'd arranged a funeral plan. She'd been ill a year or two previously and I had an overnight wait in hospital. She was in ICU and they were concerned that she might not come round after the surgery. It was scary and I suddenly realised I had no idea what her wishes would be and yet that I'd be expected to make the decisions.

When she came out of hospital, I asked her about what she'd like to happen. She planned the whole thing even down to the colour of the flowers and arranged the catering for after the funeral. Detailed instructions all paid for and left with the funeral director. There was a lovely letter for me that the funeral director read to me the night she died.

I honestly think it was the kindest and most helpful thing. I was distraught but she had answered most of the questions. I still had to work out the hymns and what the minister would say but it was so much less stressful.

In the case of your relative, I'd just ask the funeral director, they'll have the details of the plan and they do this every day. They know the things you need to do and will know how absolutely overwhelming it all can be. They can answer the questions and will know the decisions you do need to make.

All the best

When my mum died, we already knew what she wanted plus I organise events for a living, so it was pretty straightforward. I threw myself into it and it gave me a little outlet in the middle of all the sudden grief.

However, a good funeral director will direct all your steps and you shouldn't have to think about the details too much.

I think deciding ahead where you'd like it to be, will definitely help and also what kind of 'feel/mood' you'd like to set. By that I mean that some people like a formal funeral in black, while others opt for a more informal 'celebration of life'.

For my mum, we chose to have a private cremation service first and the only people we invited were people who could genuinely say they loved her. There was about 30 of us and that was very formal, with some readings and a tribute. We then went on to her church for a livelier 'celebration of life' with a wider group of friends, where we had live music, tributes, a poem and followed it up with food and an open mic where anyone could share their favourite 'mum moments'.

Although it sounds strange, it was actually an unexpectedly lovely day. My mum died very suddenly but we used to talk about things like this so when the time came, we knew what she wanted. Her service reflected her personality.

I'm sorry for your impending loss. This is such a difficult road. But hopefully your funeral director will guide you all the way through.

I am unfortunate enough to have lost both my mother and my mother in law in the last few years. My mother had left us a note with her wishes, right down to her choice of music, but it was still incredibly difficult to deal with it all. My mother-in-law, bless her, went to the Co-op as soon as she got her cancer diagnosis and sorted everything out and paid for it all in advance. We didn't have to arrange anything at all. We are planning on doing the same - it is so difficult to have to sort everything out when you are grieving, particularly if other family members have their own opinions as to what your lover one would have wanted. If yours already has a plan in place you shouldn't need to do anything about the funeral.

Not sure if you’re aware, but many of the companies that have provided pre paid funeral policies have been deregulated and as such have gone out of business.

I've sent you a PM, @funeralconfusion .