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Original poster

How do you come to terms with never being a mum

49 replies

moonypadfootprongs · 17/10/2022 01:01

I'm 32. I have cancer. I need to have a hysterectomy. How do I come to terms with this? I want to be a mum. I've always wanted to be a mum. But it's never going to happen now and I don't know how to deal with this.

I won't be allowed to adopt. Not now I have had cancer. I'm single. No local family support at the moment. I also have had issues with managing money. I have ASD and ADHD. I put off having children until I was more financially and emotionally stable.

I have fought for years for my gynaecological issues to be taken seriously but I have been fobbed off for over a decade. Now it's too late to fix it.

It's just so fucking unfair.

OP posts:
Mumtobe4675 · 17/10/2022 01:08

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NameChange232 · 17/10/2022 01:13

If you’re single you might meet a partner with young children. I know it’s not the same but it’s something.

unfortunately there’s nothing I can say to make it better

Sparklythings1 · 17/10/2022 01:15

😢❤️ can you freeze your eggs to use a surrogate at a later date or is that out of the question too? You may well be able to foster/adopt

Original poster
moonypadfootprongs · 17/10/2022 01:19

NameChange232 · 17/10/2022 01:13

If you’re single you might meet a partner with young children. I know it’s not the same but it’s something.

unfortunately there’s nothing I can say to make it better

I'm happiest on my own. I don't want or feel the need to have a partner. I certainly wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone with kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
moonypadfootprongs · 17/10/2022 01:22

Sparklythings1 · 17/10/2022 01:15

😢❤️ can you freeze your eggs to use a surrogate at a later date or is that out of the question too? You may well be able to foster/adopt

Probably not. The hormones needed to make me produce eggs could speed up my cancer growth.
Plus I'm not ready to be universally hated for using a surrogate. Nor could I afford it.

Fostering and adoption isn't something I would be able to do

OP posts:
RosalindsAFuckingNightmare · 17/10/2022 01:22

I'm so sorry for your cancer diagnosis. Have you heard of Gateway? I think it has changed it's name now, maybe to the Childless Collective but it is a group for women who are childless not by choice. It's been a lifeline for me.

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 17/10/2022 01:23

I think it must be much harder nowadays than it used to be as there are potentially so many options. I have no advice except that knowing for sure it is a impossibility may be be quicker to come to terms with than living with hopes that are constantly dashed.

RosalindsAFuckingNightmare · 17/10/2022 01:24

And - yes it is unfair and yes it does hurt, your feelings are valid. I wish you well Flowers

UnfairAdvantage · 17/10/2022 02:19

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That seems quite insensitive. If OP is having a hysterectomy she’s certainly not going to wake up pregnant in a years time. Got to be one of the most tone deaf posts I’ve ever seen.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 17/10/2022 04:38

moonypadfootprongs · 17/10/2022 01:01

I'm 32. I have cancer. I need to have a hysterectomy. How do I come to terms with this? I want to be a mum. I've always wanted to be a mum. But it's never going to happen now and I don't know how to deal with this.

I won't be allowed to adopt. Not now I have had cancer. I'm single. No local family support at the moment. I also have had issues with managing money. I have ASD and ADHD. I put off having children until I was more financially and emotionally stable.

I have fought for years for my gynaecological issues to be taken seriously but I have been fobbed off for over a decade. Now it's too late to fix it.

It's just so fucking unfair.

I am so sorry for this shit hand you've been dealt.
All I can say is to take things one day at a time. Do the very best you can with what you can control (nutrition, rest, who you associate with etc) and let go of the things you can't. Let the doctors do their job and try to advocate for yourself as best as you can; have a close friend or family member help if possible (someone who is good at being a bug up someone's ass when you can't). Once you are out of the woods, and you will get there, start thinking about your future; what you want; and how you can make things happen. For now, though, just focus on yourself today. Mindset is everything and it's how you will survive this.

Blahdeebla · 17/10/2022 05:14

I'm so sorry OP, I think the only way to come to terms with it is to go through that grieving process. It's so hard and I'm so sorry that adoption isn't an option due to cancer, its so so wrong 😔.

AffableApple · 17/10/2022 05:14

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Probably the worst case of "read the thread" I've ever encountered. Honestly, be ashamed. OP, I'm so sorry to read this. Didnt want to read and run.

Simonjt · 17/10/2022 05:54

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Even I know that a uterus won’t grow back.

WhatNoRaisins · 17/10/2022 06:01

As this thread demonstrates OP there's going to be a lot of "you never know" comments you'll need to try and tune out.

WhatNoRaisins · 17/10/2022 06:01

As this thread demonstrates OP there's going to be a lot of "you never know" comments you'll need to try and tune out.

Simonjt · 17/10/2022 06:05

I won't be allowed to adopt. Not now I have had cancer.

This is not true, the only time it would be true is where the cancer is being managed, rather than being in remission.

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/10/2022 06:12

I am so sorry you are having such a rough time OP.

A friend of mine was able to adopt post cancer so it is possible. She told me that sometimes you have to wait for 5 years all clear, but she didn’t.

So don’t lose hope.

If that’s not possible for you, there are many ways to have a rich and fulfilling life without kids, but that will take time to adjust to. Please cut yourself some slack, and give yourself permission to focus on looking after yourself for now, telling yourself that a good future awaits you with or without children.

@Mumtobe4675 Google what hysterectomy means. If you are about to be a parent a little more knowledge will be helpful.

youtwoandme · 17/10/2022 06:15

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Extremely insensitive and very self absorbed reply. Totally irrelevant to the OPs situation. Wrong post to gloat on!

botleybump · 17/10/2022 06:16

Sorry to read your news.

A friend of mine has just been through a very similar thing, she's 36 and has just been through hysterectomy and 6 months of chemo.
She was understandably upset at first, but has decided to focus on all the 'upsides' of being childless. She loves travel, adventure, fine food, quiet yoga mornings...all things that are impacted by children in some way, so she's choosing to focus on how to get the most out of these things rather than what she might be missing.

PurBal · 17/10/2022 06:21

@moonypadfootprongs this is honestly shit and I am so sorry for your news. I agree with PP about using it as an opportunity to do other things on life. But I know that’s easier said than done. Big hugs.

Tootels · 17/10/2022 06:25

@Mumtobe4675 I'd get that deleted

FrozenGhost · 17/10/2022 06:31

I'm sorry OP. Life is so fucking unfair sometimes.

IhateHermioneGranger · 17/10/2022 07:21

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She is having a hysterectomy and says she won't be able to adopt. Read the OP before you comment with insensitivity.

Shortpoet · 17/10/2022 07:46

It’s really hard to come to terms with never being a biological parent. I’m so sorry you were so badly let down by medical professionals.

I’m in a support group at work for people with fertility issues. I was lucky enough to adopt but understand that this isn’t an option for you.

Other people in the group have done different things.
Some as PP have said have thrown themselves into childless living. They travel, go out and do all the things they want to do to have fun.
One has become a scout leader. She spends all her free time running scout meetings, scout weekends away etc.
One has become a children’s coach for a sport he does.
One has become super aunty to her sister’s children.
One married a slightly older guy who has grandchildren and become a step grandma.

Obviously none of these are the same as having your own biological children. There’s a lot of pain and hurt these people experience. But they’ve each found a way of having children in their life that helps a little with that pain.

LaPerduta · 17/10/2022 07:55

You are right - it's very unfair indeed.

I think the only things that will help are time (most of all) and support, maybe in the form of counselling, and groups such as Gateway Women. Plus sensitive and caring friends and family.

As shown above, not everyone will be sensitive.