How do you come to terms with never being a mum

[moonypadfootprongs]

I'm 32. I have cancer. I need to have a hysterectomy. How do I come to terms with this? I want to be a mum. I've always wanted to be a mum. But it's never going to happen now and I don't know how to deal with this.

I won't be allowed to adopt. Not now I have had cancer. I'm single. No local family support at the moment. I also have had issues with managing money. I have ASD and ADHD. I put off having children until I was more financially and emotionally stable.

I have fought for years for my gynaecological issues to be taken seriously but I have been fobbed off for over a decade. Now it's too late to fix it.

It's just so fucking unfair.

The op needs to have a hysterectomy. That's pretty insensitive

This 100% this.

Sorry to hear what you're going through.

I know of people who have adopted after cancer so it is definitely a possibility.

@Mumtobe4675 , wtf?

I am so sorry, for what you are going through. I have no idea of how you begin to accept news like that OP. I wish you well for your treatment. I hope you have family & friends in RL to support you. Good luck going forward

I've gone through this, not hysterectomy but cancer treatment meaning I can't/shouldn't have children.
I was very sad/angry/jealous about it for a few years.
Sometimes life is unfair and shit and it's ok to feel that, anger is a natural emotional response to what feels like injustice.
Like a pp's friend I turned to focusing on what I could do without children rather than what I was missing out on.
If it's any help i have accepted it now and apart from a pang when I'm around babies/children it doesn't occupy my thoughts as it did at the beginning.
I can be happy for others pregnancy announcements and enjoy their children and enjoy my own life without.
Sorry I can't offer you more comfort than time heals.
I wish you luck with your treatment and with accepting your new future.

Hi Op,I hope you find lots of support on here. I really feel for you coming to terms with not having a biological child. It's really a very difficult reality.

I just wanted to echo a pp and give you something to store away in the back of your brain for another time.

I'm the last person to say ' but you could adopt' because it's not like having a biological child, it's a very different journey and a very different parenting experience. I know you said you couldn't because of previous cancer but that's not true. The focus would be on how you've moved forward from dealing with severe illness and infertility and how you came to want to adopt.
I'm not trying to derail your thread seeking for support but didn't want to give a flipimt response when a different perspective can be helpful.
If its not for you despite the above please disregard completely.

I wish you well.

I know that being childfree Vs childless isn't the same and that the choice being taken away from you must be very difficult. But I did want to answer in response to your question of coming to terms with it.

• children can be born with very severe illnesses or disabilities - not having them mitigates the risk of pain on both sides, as well as having to become a carer and worry about what might happen to them when you're gone
• adult children can also face many problems: addiction, abuse, illness, severe mental health issues - while as a parent you love them, it's a very challenging and horrible thing to go through
• at any age a parent could lose their child due to an accident or illness, and that's a lifetime of unimaginable pain
• finances - you could use the money for early retirement, travel, hobbies. You can take more risks as a child isn't dependent on you, and you won't have to worry about your child going hungry if you ever faced poverty
• freedom - your time is your own, and you can find fulfilment in many different, beautiful ways
• many children are estranged from their parents, and even those that are not might move abroad or never visit their parents when they get older
• pregnancy & birth health complications - these are not as rare as some think
• having to worry so much about their safety and well-being all the time

I hope this doesn't come across as insensitive, just wanted to show the other side that often isn't talked about. I hope you find some peace in this situation and manage to create a beautiful life for yourself.

You sound a most courageous person. You have fought to now be getting treatment having been let down by the medical profession . I cannot begin to understand how you must be feeling. I just couldn’t scroll past your post.
you are brave and a fighter and I wish you all the happiness in your life. Take each day as it comes. Try new things. Meet new people. Try and focus on you .
sending best wishes.

Thanks for all the supportive replies everyone I really appreciate them.

I think even if I was allowed to adopt I'm not sure it's a road I want to go down. I think for me the level of intrusion and questioning would be too much. I know I wouldn't cope in the panel type meetings. I don't do speaking in front of people. Even in groups of people I know it takes me a long time to warm up.

I also don't feel I'm up for the potential level of needs a child could done with. And yes I know I could have had a biological child with high needs. Somehow the risk feels greater. And silly as it sounds I wanted throes early newborn days. The feeling of them kicking before they are born. All the 'normal' experiences.

Having a hysterectomy is a major op and my advice would be to acknowledge all the feelings that come with this. Recovery is for the emotional as well as the physical. More than 20 years ago I found myself in a similar position as yours. I've come to terms with it by crying when I need to (mostly in private) and being kind to myself. Years later I'm able to be thankful for some opportunities taken which wouldn't have been possible had I had children. But it isn't easy and times of regret/disappointment can present themselves at unexpected times.

That doesn't sound silly. The ' normal' experiences are normal and right to want.

I am in my 50s and don't have kids. In my case I wanted them but it was the sensible choice not to try for them.

That is very different to your situation. In case it helps I do focus on the positives and move my thoughts on as quickly as I can if I start to think about the what ifs. I live the life I want and try to be community spirited too. As I have got older I have got more confident so don't let any wanting to avoid difficult situations such as dealing people put you off what you want. Don't adopt or foster though if that isn't what you truly want.

I really feel for you.

I have had a few friends and a married in relative who didn’t have children and it was not by choice.

Its very new distressing news and it will take some time to adjust so don’t beat yourself up about having lots of conflicting emotions for a while. I don’t think anyone could remain calm in your situation.

The women I know accepted it eventually and enjoyed their lives. We are all different and it took them different lengths of time. One has never accepted it unfortunately and it’s my DH sister she has become incredibly bitter and is just plain nasty. However her personality type is very domineering and even her own Mother says how difficult she is. I have found when adversity strikes peoples innate personality traits shine through as they don’t have the strength to hold them back. You seem very insightful op and know yourself well you have been very honest about your feelings and I admire you greatly for that. I think that honesty will help you.

A friend of mine is on the waiting list for a hysterectomy, it’s. A major op and I will be giving her a hand when she gets her date. I hope that you will be getting some practical as well as emotional help.

I'm very sorry your find yourself in this situation, and your feelings of grief for what might have been are completely valid. No "at least" will make it better. I hope with time, a good support network and possibly therapy you'll be able to find happiness and satisfaction in life beyond children of your own.

Focus on your recovery and getting your own life back.
You have your life, even if you now won't have children which is very hard to face, but at least you can focus entirely on your own well being.

Try and make a plan for your future, one that includes the most amazing things to look forward to. I think CBT counselling would help you frame this development in a way that would be easier to live with. I hope you recover well op.

Thanks so much for the supportive comments. And your all right I need to concentrate on my health first and foremost.
It's just been a huge shock. I had hoped I would be able to be treated hormonally and would be able to avoid having a hysterectomy.

That’s completely understandable and your choice to make.
i hope your recovery goes well.

In time, you might be able to explore the adoption route but you’re right that it isn’t easy and it’s perfectly valid to choose not to go down that road.

Are you going to be to access psychotherapy?

I'm not sure. I certainly can't afford private therapy at the moment

I'm so sorry about what you are going through. I'm not sure you can ever get over not having kids if that is what you have always wanted but I think you can learn to deal with it over time.

I'd try counselling. Even if you are ready for it now maybe it will be useful in the future. It won't make the sadness go away but it might help you process everything.
Don't underestimate the magnitude of what you are going through. It's a big deal.

Are you sure there aren't people in RL you can reach out to? Perhaps you could talk to the councillors or cancer support staff ( sorry don't know the proper term) at the hospital.
When my elderly Dad had cancer the cancer support staff at the hospital were amazing. He didn't want any emotional support but it was regularly offered in a thoughtful and caring way. We were really impressed and even though he didn't utilise any of the help offered know it was there gave him comfort.
Good luck with everything OP, give yourself lots and lots of time and look after yourself🌸🌺

I’m sorry you’re going through this.
the reasons you state are not a barrier to adoption IF this is something you’re interested in. Adoption is not an easy road and isn’t for everyone but once your health is on track again.
I wish you all the best.

Head over to the threads if you and you’re ready.

Ah sorry, I’ve just read the update which is different from the OP. Ignore my comments other than to wish you well!

No advice OP but you’ve got such a lot to cope with and I’m sending you strength and all good wishes for your recovery. Have a hug if that’s appropriate 💐