A Good Death

[Suetwo]

I have heard this phrase a few times recently, but I'm never quite sure what people mean. I assume they mean a quick, painless, instant death. Have you ever witnessed such a thing? Katherine Hepburn, for example, watched Spencer Tracey die. She said he was laying propped up in bed (they were having an affair), while she told him about a film she wanted to make. He smiled and nodded, then his eyes grew misty and she realized he was dead. He'd had heart problems, apparently, and had had some kind of heart attack. I guess that would be a good death. Do people really die like that? I mean just laying in bed chatting and smiling and then poof, gone? Every death I've witnessed has been horrible.

I know it's kind of morbid, but if I was guaranteed an instant, painless death, preferably in my sleep (and a bit drunk), it would be such a relief. It's nice to know such things do happen.

There's an excellent book called With The End in Mind, by Kathryn Mannix which has tales of palliative care and how some of the people she cared for had good deaths. It's on Amazon and a really interesting read.

My uncle died pretty much instantaneously whilst climbing up a hill in Australia aged 86. I'd be keen to go that way , although not so good for Daunt who had to get the body back to NZ where they stay.

It need not be quick. But pain free (as much as possible), comfortable, respecting the wishes of the dying person and where they want to pass away. Having family there if the dying person wishes.

A good death, IMO, would be living to a good age, children all settled, grandchildren old enough to remember you fondly, just drifting off peacefully in your sleep ×

I'm a palliative care nurse. A good death is what we strive for in our patients. It means a peaceful calm death where there's no unfinished business causing mental turmoil which would cause physical agitation, and ideally, no physical discomfort.A death where attending loved ones can look back and say 'that was a good death'. Ppl die once. Getting it right is of paramount importance as loved ones could be traumatised from a bad death. A good death may involve end of life medication -but not necessarily. I hope this helps.

I thought my DF had a good death, he died 12 days after being diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer, he was 96 1/2. Had been getting a bit frailer in the preceding weeks but still living independently and coping very well. Dad just accepted the diagnosis and that it was game over the End. I moved in with him to look after him, he'd been told about 6 weeks. He got weaker every day but was still able to get to the loo on his own with a zimmer and do what was necessary. He had no pain, stayed mentally on the ball right to the end. Admitted to the hospice 48 hours before he died. He walked down the stairs and through the front door himself. We were in awe. So one good day in the hospice being looked after like a king, then the final day we went in to see him, he wasn't so good - agitated mainly - and they'd done the syringe driver thing for him. My brother popped out for a break when we arrived, he came back about 40 minutes later. There was a little gulp sound from dad, almost unnoticeable and that was it. He was gone. Very peaceful. He'd waited for my brother to come back before he died.

I thought that was a pretty good way to pass

My 83 year old uncle ate his lunch, pushed his seat back to leave the table, and dropped dead.

Lovely way to go.

I was with DM when she died a few days ago. I sat with her and held her hand. We listened to her favourite music. She was semi conscious but was able to squeeze my hand. She was 92. I think that was a good death.

The Queen had a good death - worked until she was 96 and physically active albeit with a few aches and pains. Felt a bit poorly and went to bed, then off with the fairies. Lovely.

That was a perfect death, with you there while she drifted off so peaceful.

I hope DH had a 'good' death. He had cancer, then a stroke, the stroke left him very disabled. He was stuck in hospital for weeks after the stroke, they wanted to send him for rehab, they said he had six to twelve months left (closer to twelve than six) but I had a gut feeling they were wrong. He'd lost a lot of his cognition at this point thanks to the stroke. I fought to get him home, the palliative team were on my side thankfully. Then there were no care packages available so I put out a Facebook plea and got that sorted and he came home. He was happy at home, albeit unable to speak or walk, he was happy to be here, in the lounge, with me and the fosterlings, watching the birds in the garden but it was not the life he would've chosen. His biggest fear was going into a home/hospice/hospital.

The weekend he died he deteriorated rapidly but even the district nurse who came out to adjust his syringe driver doses on the Saturday afternoon thought we had a few days left. That night he deteriorated again and I had to call the hospice for help, it took an age (90 minutes) to get someone to us but once they came and tweaked his meds again he quickly settled. He then slept for hours, at 5 in the morning he woke and looked for me, as I took the hand he held out to me he died. He wasn't in pain and it was a release. I hope he wasn't scared because he knew he wasn't alone. I miss him so much.

I have strong feelings about this- largely because my family have an unfortunate predisposition toward Alzheimer's/ dementia. Any death that is precluded by the loss of your mind, your self, your dignity and often humanity is not a good one. Families must mourn the loss of a living loved one, and then mourn again/ feel guilt at relief when they lose them again. People feel lost themselves, scared and unendingly confused and unhappy for years and years. Awful. See also the long painful prolonged suffering of other illnesses. An inevitable slog toward the end, blurred with pain and suffering, unrelenting and exhausting. Not good.

Meanwhile my grandad fell over at 86, went to hospital and died the next day. His daughters were with him and he made jokes and knew who, what and how he was. Then he fell asleep and never woke. IMO a good death. That's what I would want.

I'm a final year medical student hoping to one day train in palliative medicine. I have also previously had the privilege to work in hospices. I don't think of a good death as being one that is instant. Instead, to me a good death means dying in the place of one's choice (whether that be at home or elsewhere) and surrounded by loved ones if they choose, free from pain and with all necessary affairs taken care of. It should be dignified and the person should be comfortable. Family and/or loved ones should feel cared for also.

I have witnessed many "good deaths" and many more not so good deaths. I even sat and comforted my Grandfather as he died a good death. He was ready, comfortable at home and the whole family was there to share tea and stories after he died. It was genuinely a beautiful experience and I hope I manage to die similarly one day.

I really wish we as a society discussed death and dying more openly so that more people could achieve their desired death.

@bbloodywhitecat what a wonderful gift you gave your DH by advocating for his wishes. You sound like the most wonderful partner! I'm so sorry for your loss.

My mum died last week. She went in to a hospice, had 36 hours there, and died while she was asleep, holding my dad's hand.

It was very peaceful, and I'd been able to speak and see her the night before to say how much we loved each other (although we didn't expect her to pass so quickly)

My mother died earlier this year, a week after she received a stage 4 pancreatic cancer diagnosis.

She was living on her own with multiple conditions and I think she knew and just wanted to go.

She had been admitted to hospital and wanted to come home, we hired a private nurse to adjust morphine if she needed it.

Family who lived abroad were able to say goodbyes to her over FaceTime (she was quite heavily morphined at this stage but she could hear and made movements to acknowledge).

We put some music on and my brother held her and prayed for her.

In the circumstances, I think she had a good death, she was home, in her own bed where she wanted to be and had family with her.

My dad died with all his children, his wife and two of his son in laws there, talking to him, holding him and loving him - helping him through to the other side.

It was like a birth.

My mum had what I look back and think of a peaceful death. She'd had a large stroke 3 years earlier and was left very disabled. She had falls, and had post stroke epilepsy. Then a blood clot on the lung, then aspiration pneumonia. She came back from all those, but a lot weaker. The hospital tried to put nag tubes in, but she kept pulling them out. They were talking about trying a different one, but I knew it wasn't what she would want, and said so. We made the decision for mum to go on end of life care, and for her to die at home, as she wanted. The actual day, I was sat in the room with her and my dad, when her breathing changed. Then after 3 of these breaths, she took her last breath and that was it. I didn't manage to hold her hand but I know she would have passed in the way she had wanted to, at home, with her husband and daughter.
She had a syringe driver, which I am still unsure about, but her death wasn't traumatic to watch at all.

My dad passed with a cup of tea in one hand and a ham roll in the the other watching tv, we had left the room for 5 minutes and he had gone in that time. The medics said he would have just dozed off in front of the tv, thsts a good death.

I second this. It should be compulsory reading for all health care professionals

A good death. Yes. Something I think of as I lost my father during covid.

You'd want to have made your provisions to those you love.

You want to go peacefully without pain and have be able to say goodbye to loved ones.

You'd want your loved ones to be supported in their grief. This might be by a funeral plan with your wishes for the final part. It really helps.

A clear and accessible will so probate doesn't linger and closure is possible sooner.

I think a death is always painful for those you leave but a good death wouldn't give them any extra grief. It would help happy memories.

I think everyone should read it. Likely all of us will have to support our parents/spouse/siblings through End of Life care. It’s an uplifting book and absolutely worth your time.

FIL ‘felt a bit odd’, went to sleep and died shortly after a rousing reunion lunch with all his remaining former colleagues.

Not a bad way to go.

My grandmother died in a nursing home. She'd had a steady decline for a few months. I consider her death a good one. She was 90 and when she died she was surrounded by her grandchildren. The room was full of love. I remember my mum opening the window wide after she died. It felt like she left the room, although I often wonder if I imagined it. We were sad but it was full of love, so there was also some joy in it.

A friend’s mother died in her sleep at 94, hadn’t been ill, she’d been perfectly OK and talking to family the day before.
Who wouldn’t want to go like that?