A Good Death

[Suetwo]

I have heard this phrase a few times recently, but I'm never quite sure what people mean. I assume they mean a quick, painless, instant death. Have you ever witnessed such a thing? Katherine Hepburn, for example, watched Spencer Tracey die. She said he was laying propped up in bed (they were having an affair), while she told him about a film she wanted to make. He smiled and nodded, then his eyes grew misty and she realized he was dead. He'd had heart problems, apparently, and had had some kind of heart attack. I guess that would be a good death. Do people really die like that? I mean just laying in bed chatting and smiling and then poof, gone? Every death I've witnessed has been horrible.

I know it's kind of morbid, but if I was guaranteed an instant, painless death, preferably in my sleep (and a bit drunk), it would be such a relief. It's nice to know such things do happen.

FIL called Dh and I and SIL up one Sunday and invited us to lunch with him and MIL. Very spontaneously and for no good reason. We went, stayed for hours and had the most fun chatting, laughing, sharing stories etc. It got to nearly 5pm and we were getting ready to leave, all putting our coats on in the hallway. FIL had been sitting in the lounge with us and said he'd walk through to the hall in a minute. We called out to him and I went to him and found he'd gone, just slipped away while sat in his chair. Hands folded across his tummy, eyes closed and faintly smiling. He wasn't ill, no one expected it but we think maybe he knew, or just got a feeling to see us all. That was a good death, albeit a suprise.

I'd love a quiet one in my sleep aged 96 or after a meal with family, those sound ideal. I still don't know how I feel about a palliative, medicalised death of my uncle. He seemed to be agitated and not wanting to be unable to talk. He was sedated but agitated when I came into the room and heard my voice. I'm not sure how peaceful it seemed which makes me very sad. Consequently I'm still in Dylan Thomas mode.

That is what I call good and what I would want for myself.

@kittenkipping my mum died two weeks ago from dementia. I feel so bitter that her final years weren't good she deserved so much more. I grieved for the mum I lost while she was alive and felt so guilty for wishing she could be at peace. I thought I would feel relief when she went but I am devastated, at least I can fully grief her now and start the healing process.

Guess mine won't be a good death then as I can't have children/grandchildren.

DH got a bit of a headache, went upstairs to rest, sat down on the bed and then died instantly from a cardiac arrest. Didn’t know anything about it, didn’t even have time to close his eyes. Just gone and that was that. Horrendous for me but I find it comforting now to know he didn’t suffer at all.

I'm hoping the Dignity in Dying campaign is succesful before I get to that stage, the first sign of dementia or cancer & I just want a good dose of medication & to go at a time & place of my choosing on my own terms.

Well, we're all going to die, some of us suddenly and traumaticly, some with notice, some just because of entropy.

I'm not sure we get to chose.

Very few people have a managed hospice death surrounded by their loved ones.

I know many people who died suddenly and alone.

I've consequently thought about that kind of death quite a bit. I guess there is a point of dying that you realise you're a gonner. Brain chemistry is interesting, I think you probably think 'Fuck' and panic a bit, and then your brain is flooded with so many hormones it feels like a mad dream.

And 'poof'.

And the only truly sad deaths are when it's not in the natural order.

No parent should see their child die.

For me it just means at home with my own faculties. I don’t want to forget who my loved ones are, I don’t want to be unable to to live independently and look after myself. I don’t die in some care home or hospital.

Yes, it happens. My BIL died like that - my sis was helping him to change his pj's, as he'd had a fever and was sweaty. He was lying there and she asked what pj's he wanted to put on....he said which ones, she leant down to get the pj's, and when she sat back up he had died.

Mum died while reading a book , just opened the book and died , the book was still on her lap.

I think my DM had a good death. She was in fairly good health and independent, at age 85 started to get more frail. Had a huge stroke, was just about able to recognise me and my DB when we got to the hospital, then spent a week pretty much unconscious. We had agreed with medical staff that she would only have sedation and hydration, as we knew she wanted - she would not have recovered speech or movement. We spent time with her every day and she then died peacefully.
I'm thinking a lot about this for myself now, as I have a further cancer spread and have been very unwell in the past week. I don't yet know what treatment options exist, but will be weighing up benefits and costs carefully. Have already said I don't want resuscitation, or to die in hospital. DP and I have made contact with the palliative care team at our local hospice.

Lots of stories here of old people having a good death which I'm very interested to hear as both my parents are in their 80's and it's something I think about a lot and want for them.
Also my son who is 20 has been given a "life limiting diagnosis" and is looking at about 10 years left to live. I try not to think about it, at the same time as I am desperately wanting him to have a good quality of time left and a good death. I don't want him to suffer or be scared. I think it means something quite different when thinking of a young person?

There is a YouTube channel called ‘Ask a Mortician’, the lady, Caitlyn, on the channel has a couple of books. I found her channel a few years ago and it’s really helped calm me around death and dying.

It’s a really good, well thought out and
delivered channel.

Take care 💐
thank you for sharing.

My idea of a good death is to go before you deteriorate massively.

My DGM's cousin was just under 90. She and her friends had been for a walk round Tatton Park and were deciding where to have lunch when she literally dropped down dead in front of them. She had been independent and active until the end. That was an ideal death.

My DGM was 95 and had survived a stroke but was somewhat debilitated. She was hospitalised with pneumonia for 3 months and never came out. At the end she was hungry but couldn't swallow. She died in her sleep just after DM and I had spent the afternoon with her, doing crosswords. Nice afternoon, in her sleep but a crappy end to a vibrant and dynamic lady.

The easiest death I saw was a euthanasia one in Belgium. She was sedated before, so drifted away while her kids held her hand, and later on got the real injection which made her die instantly. It was peaceful, painless and the end was extremely quick.

My great uncle felt under the weather, went to bed early and died in his sleep. He'd been ok, fit and well before then. He was 75.

A friend's grandad had a birthday celebration where most of the family went to his place and had food and drinks and a fun evening. He died in his sleep, after having a great time and probably feeling very happy. I think he was about 80.

It's how I'd want to go. Or I'd want to close my eyes and just drift off watching the tv or reading a book. I wouldn't necessarily want anyone with me but if my sons were there holding my hand it would be nice.

Another friend of mine worked in a nursing home and was in a corridor when a patient asked her if she could get her a chair as she felt she was going to die. Friend got the chair, a bit bemused. The lady sat down and died. Peaceful and no pain. i think most people would want that.

So there are good deaths and not too uncommon.

My mother was in a hospice, at the end of her life. Not in pain but now bedridden. My sister and I had visited her on the Saturday, my brother had come back from holiday [we think she was waiting for him to return] and saw her on Sunday and she died on Monday morning having seen us all, knowing we were all ok. A nurse assured us she had not been in pain.

The loveliest death story I ever heard was of an elderly couple sat on a park bench. They were watching the ducks, she rested her head against his shoulder, sighed, and when he looked down she'd gone. Upsetting for him, I'm sure, but no doubt he was kind of grateful. The actor Martin Shaw said his father was sat in front of the TV, a cup of tea in one hand and a box of chocolates in the other, then poof, gone. Those are good deaths.

My dad was diagnosed with lung cancer, but died suddenly of a heart attack at home. I was grateful at the time - and still am.