How so you react when your child gets poor marks at school?

[Chocchops72]

When your teenage child (no SEN, no previous sign of issues) brings home poor marks from school, what do you do? Punish them? Shout at them? Check their homework? Or do you sympathise? Tell them it's not the end of the world? Leave them to get on with it?

DS (14) is bringing home some low marks from school (continuous assessment where we are, all marks are recorded and reported electronically to parents). I don't know how to react, what will motivate him without stressing him out. I was a typical girly swot, as was my sister, and DHs parents didn't pay much attention to school stuff so neither of us are sure how to react.

No point in shouting until you get all the facts.
Ask him if he understands the work. Does he need more information.
Is the work being explained properly.
Or is he messing about in class. Not keeping up with his homework.

If the marks are lower than those you know he can achieve just ask him why.
he needs to take ownership of his learning and achievements. He has to want to do his best. If he is trying but the issue is a disruptive class or poor teaching then you can help him.

Also, it’s probably worth asking how others did. During my A’levels every single person in one of my classes failed the same assessment.

You talk to him.

Ask if he’s able to understand the work, if he’s got everything that he needs to study effectively.

Can he see the board, hear the teacher?

Does he know how to revise effectively (what kind of learner is he, different learning styles need different techniques).
Is there anything else going on at school?
These conversations can be good to have when it’s just the 2 of you in the car.
Shouting is unlikely to get you anywhere.

How are they being assessed/what are they being assessed against? At my DS's school they are assessed against GCSE standard. So his grades for his year 9 exams were as if he had taken his GCSEs IYSWIM.

It depends. My youngest always got poor marks, but she put in far more effort than my eldest who got good marks. She was trying her hardest and I couldn't ask for anything else

have a conversation with him, find out what the barriers are. Support him to talk to school or you talk to school (depending on the issues. Sit and help him.

punishments won’t tackle the problem

We would discuss it with him, asking him why he thinks this might be happening. We would get his input on what support he might need. I would also book an appointment with the school to get their opinion, and to ask how I could work with them to improve things.

Talk to him
Does he know how to study for an assessment ?
Did he revise? How? Does he understand the topic? Did the teacher go over the test and does he understand what went wrong ?
Your reaction depends on what he says. "I didn't study and I don't care" is very different from "I thought the test was about algebra but I studied circles" or "The test was about poetry and I find it hard" If they are disappointed then there's opportunity to turn things around. If they are 🤷‍♂️ then things are more complicated.
Another thing to consider is test difficulty. I'm assuming that you son is in year 10 but it's not impossible that they had a gcse difficulty questions on the topic but he doesn't have the exam technique yet L.

I actually don’t care. Yes I know, you’re all going wtf that’s terrible etc but I don’t. The only one of mine old enough to be getting marks doesn’t want to go to uni, He knows what he wants, he’s always known since he was about four and good marks aren’t going to get him it. It will be good old nepotism. He wants to be a sparky. How does he do this? The same as every other sparky round here, by going to a family member or a friend of the family etc in the trade and getting an apprenticeship.

Certainly not shouting or punishment. Neither of those would motivate me so why would they motivate a teen. First, I'd chat about why. Are they struggling to focus? Are they behind or confused? Do they think they are in the right set?

If it was in a range of subjects I'd encourage them to focus on core curricular English, Maths, Science and one or two other favourite subjects and let a secondary subject slide until their grades have improved.

I'd ask to see their school exercise books and check whether the gaps are in work they should have completed. I'd help them go through their extra curricular timetable and see if they need to drop anything to get back up to speed for a while. I'd ensure they were doing homework somewhere I could check on them for at least a couple of hours a night until they caught up.

So lots of firm but kind support with no question that the work won't get done.

If other issues are causing it (MH or stress from somehting that's happened) I'd give them extremely kind and loving support and ease them in more gently. But if they are just being lazy and trying to wing it I'd give them a deadline for catching up at half term.

Thank you all - your responses are reassuring me.

we are in France, so no gcse: they basically assess the students on an ongoing basis through the year. All are x/20, each teacher decides their own tests etc (very different to the UK). The test scores give an end of year average, which in turn determines what kind of baccalaureate he can do - which in turn determines what post-bac study options he has. It’s a crazy system and leads to everyone getting hung up on these test scores. He’s in a high ranking lycée so the expectations are high and the pace is fast.

I’ve spoken to him, he’s explained why the marks were so low. I’ve told him e can look into a tutor for one subject where he’s struggling.

I wouldn't shout at him or tell him off. First try and work out what's going on. Is he coasting? Is he misbehaving and missing information? Etc. Things you can do: Look through his books that he brings home, does it look his usual neatness and cared for or is it sloppy and doodled over? That will tell you about effort. Email is tutor and ask them to find out from his teachers what they think the issue is. Then make a plan from there.

If, you discover it's lack of effort have a chat with him, tell him it's not on and it needs to improve. Offer an incentive....if it improves by x date you get this, and a consequence....if it keeps up we will have to do this... Then, keep checking h/w, praise when it's good and keep a bit of gentle pressure on.

It’sa very academic system here, quite survival of the fittest. Because it’s the Bac there is little choice to focus on what he’s good at and drop what he isn’t.

the reason I had a wobble is that both he and his younger sibling tell me that we are far more lenient about poor marks than their French friends parents - lots of punishments, shaming, banning from devices etc.

Ask the teacher. I’m a teacher and we do a review after test where the students say how they revised and where it might have been better. Once they identify how to improve it could make all the difference. Teacher will know

@curlymom yep DS confirmed that they have done the corrections for two of the tests.

my concern is that the poor marks stay on his record, and are used as I described above. And because it’s an average just a couple of low marks can really pull it down.

Ask how they feel about the result them go from there. She might say they all got low marks for that question so the teacher is going to go over it again or she might say she didn't revise enough, in which case she knows what she needs to do next time. I ask if she needs any help with anything and help if we can or advise her to ask her teacher if we can't help.
Basically give the ownership to her on how she feels about it and what she thinks she might need to do.

Mine has just got all As in his National 5 exams so I would be concerned, I wouldn’t shout though, what on Earth good would that do? I’d ask him if he knew why, did he need any extra support, look at his report and talk to teachers at parents’ night if necessary.

but your child may just not be that academically intelligent. They can’t all be. My other child is autistic and even sitting let alone passing a test is a massive achievement for him.

Speak to him, speak to the school but for gods sake don’t shout at him.

First step is to establish what the weaknesses are and then you can build some support targeting these areas (either tutoring or coaching DC yourself). This will help build their confidence in those areas and they will have a better understanding and learn techniques. Don't worry about how others are doing in class, it's not about finding strength in numbers.

If the problem is less to do with ability and more to do with attitude towards schoolwork then you need to look at friendships, how they spend their day, gaming, screen time etc and help them understand that they need to prioritise and strike a balance of these things which doesn't negatively impact their studies. Not the easiest of things to do but they need to hear the cold, hard truth that everything won't magically appear on a plate, they have to work for it. The value you place on education at home will dictate how seriously DCs take their studies (unless of course they are naturally inclined - which is rare).

From an early age I understood that my parents had certain expectations so I was conscious that 'poor' grades were not an option. My own DCs understand my expectations of them. Not saying I'm pushing them beyond their capacity but they know they can't get away with 'coasting'. They're still quite young (almost 10 and 6) but by teenage years it should be ingrained in them and there should be a sense of self motivation.

Obviously all households have a different emphasis on education, but you sound as though you want a better outcome for your DC. Generally, children do well at school if parents take an interest in their education rather than being hands off.

I am prepared to get flamed now 🔥

What are his effort grades like? Do they have end of term exams?

@mrsjimhopper

no effort grades, they just get a comment in the trimesterly reports. No end of year exams: as I said the marks they get throughout the year are averaged to give their final ‘note’.

If he genuinely tried his best, then say well done! We tie too much value to kids these days by the grades they get. Some subjects are really hard for some kids and they might never get great marks. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. And of course offer help if he ever needs it. I've always understood stuff a lot better when I learn my own way, some kids need to find a way that makes sense to them.

how I’d react depends on the circumstances. It’s not the marks themselves that matter; it’s whether he’s actually putting the work in and, if he’s not, why.

Mostly I would want to know what was going on so I could try to help with the actual problem - rather than the symptoms of it.

It sounds like there’s a lot of stress at school for your son. I don’t see how adding more stress at home too would help anything - even if that’s what the other parents seem to do.

Are the comments good or poor?

Sometimes expectations are too high. Can you see the class average? What set is he in?

Is he putting in enough work? What does he feel the issues are? Is he happy at school and with the teaching methods?

Any number of things could be affecting this.

Personally, I don't like the baccalaureate because there seems to be little option to play to your strengths and drop or reduce subjects that are holding you back. It is sometimes offered here in place of A Levels in the form of the International Baccalaureate, and my own DDs decided against it for those reasons.

I understand though, that if you live in France you don't have that option.

I suppose tutors could help in subjects you aren't experienced in or confident with yourself.

I also always told mine "it's not the end of the world/the world will not stop turning" just in a do your best sort of way, not an it doesn't matter one jot sort of way.