How so you react when your child gets poor marks at school?

[Chocchops72]

When your teenage child (no SEN, no previous sign of issues) brings home poor marks from school, what do you do? Punish them? Shout at them? Check their homework? Or do you sympathise? Tell them it's not the end of the world? Leave them to get on with it?

DS (14) is bringing home some low marks from school (continuous assessment where we are, all marks are recorded and reported electronically to parents). I don't know how to react, what will motivate him without stressing him out. I was a typical girly swot, as was my sister, and DHs parents didn't pay much attention to school stuff so neither of us are sure how to react.

I’d have conversations about what his plans are career wise and whether the level of apathy he’s showing his studies are going to get him there. My approach would be trying to help but if he doesn’t want the help then let him fail.

This - was about to write something very similar. Talk to him, create a channel for communication on this, make a plan and let him know you are there to support him.

I just let mine get on with it and they’re all academic enough. One is super academic. Sometimes they will do a bit shit….. and I’m not sure why but then they pick themselves up again. I don’t usually make an issue of it. Sometimes my work is shit and sometimes I excel.

I never apply any pressure at all motivation is intrinsic anyway. So many kids get great grades and degrees and they grow up to be just as miserable as their parents. If you bring your kids up well and let them flourish then they will do most of the time.

Most people are surprised I have this attitude as they presume me and my husband are quite pushy (because they do well) and we are really, really not pushy. Perhaps it’s luck 🍀.

Who knows. My only wish is for them to be happy. We model that a lot.

Hi OP

mum to DD same age here and I relate 100%. It's always been like this since Y1 and I've come to the conclusion that even she tries so bloody hard and on the whole puts 100% in she at best will only be an average kid school wise.

Maths is the toughest so we have found an excellent tutor she sees once a week and we'll keep that up until exams.

I've swung from being cross with the results to trying to be more "well, better luck next time " and I've realised I just need to be behind her completely but I know I can't take my foot off the gas and need to keep up motivating her positively. This is hard to do when you start thinking about their prospects post 16 😳

But yes ... I've had some great advice on here to remind me that while important, her results aren't the be all and end all and they don't need to define her - so many kids absolutely blossom when they are out in the real world.

Just make sure he knows you believe in him and have his back.

Also meant to say no SEN here. I think because she's a good kid she always floats under the radar IYSWIM?

Whenever I try to push it more with school I get "honestly she's doing ok try not to worry, there's plenty of time left"

Really? Because there's less than 18 months til exams and if things aren't clicking now ...

I know that the French education system is very different from that in the UK. From what I saw when I lived there, the onus is on the student to listen to the lesson and learn it. The teachers give the lessons but don't take responsibility for the child's learning. They are less likely than a UK teacher to give individual help.
So, has he understood the subject? Can he do online revision? Hachette Éducation publish revision guides, you can get them in most supermarkets. There are interactive quizzes at www.hachette-education.com

Sorry, the link didn't work but you can Google Hachette Éducation to get to it.

The important questions are:

• do they try or are they pissing about?
• do they themselves care or not?

I always reward, encourage and praise effort & application, never the marks they get.

Sorry I didn't read your updates.

You can't do much more other than be supportive. Ensure he is happy and not too stressed and that he is working as hard as he can within reason (which varies from person to person their threshold for not getting stressed)

I help him to revise better. He gets very stressed when he has tests so we’ve worked very hard to get him to not worry so much. He’s at a grammar school, so like your DS the level is very high and he gets tested often. He usually gets 7s which he feels isn’t good enough but I remind him the that used to be an A and he’s already doing the GCSE syllabus in year 9 so 7s are amazing!

Depends on the child and the circumstances.
my dd sometimes gets marks that are lower than expected but she cares about it far far more than me so she needs a hug and reminding it’s no big deal.

for a child that didn’t care, didn’t put in the effort, didn’t have a good attitude to learning I’d probably take a different approach but def not shouting or berating.

@Avidreader69 you nailed it. The teachers job is to get through the programme and the students job is to learn it. There is no differentiation in teaching (it’s up to students to keep up and if they struggle, it’s up to the parent to bring in outside help ie tutors, study centres, etc) and teachers do not adjust their method for classes, never mind for individual students. It’s very old school and survival of the fittest.

No sets, all abilities are in together and class sizes are big. There is a bit of self-selection as many of the less academic kids are directed towards lycée pro (vocational) at 14. DS was comfortably accepted for the more academic stream, and his comments on behaviour, attitude, effort are always really good. I guess he could spend more time working but, as I say, he’s already in school 8-6pm two days, the others are only a little shorter.

Oh and I can’t help him revise except in the subjects I know (science mostly). French grammar / literature - not a hope. Maths - he’s doing more complicated math than I ever did in school (it’s the most important subject here so taught at a high level.

Punish them? Shout? Yea that will work!
No, i sit down and ask what they are having difficulty with. Is it the subject, the teacher, the other kids in class? Is it lack of studying? Are they upset about something outside of the class? Must of all, you listen.
And some kids will never get great marks. They simply aren't academic. In that case, they need to find something else they enjoy and can excel at, and accept the lower grades. For some kids, a C is the very good mark for them.

I can't believe parents shout, punish and humiliate children into doing well.
What if the teacher is so boring and awful the child cannot learn!

I would simply find out what is going wrong with a previously solid student.
And go from that.

Interesting thread however because other schools systems are always presented as better than ours.

This sounds similar to the German systems which is one huge 11 plus really.

Is he bright? It’s tempting to think so as he’s your son, but not all kids can be. Maybe he just isn’t academic?

For French grammar, this book is excellent.

Grammaire progressive du francais - Nouvelle edition: Livre intermediaire amzn.eu/d/22ueXQ1