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Original poster

Was this grooming?

32 replies

Canthinkofaname79 · 15/10/2022 10:09

A 17 year old very naive, never even been kissed girl gets told by a man in his 30s that he's in love with her. He is married with a young child and wears her down over several months until they have a very short lived relationship.
Thoughts?

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Original poster
Canthinkofaname79 · 15/10/2022 10:10

Over 25 years ago.

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Original poster
Canthinkofaname79 · 15/10/2022 10:41

Bump.

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ofwarren · 15/10/2022 10:45

I think it is, yes.

Original poster
Canthinkofaname79 · 15/10/2022 10:47

Thank you. I do too. Why do you think that? And how do you move on from something like that happening to you? Person in question wasn't even remotely attracted to the man but was flattered and really wanted a boyfriend. It's all very sad.

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ofwarren · 15/10/2022 10:52

I think the fact that the child in question is so inexperienced and vulnerable and the age difference make it grooming.
I had a similar thing happen to me around the same age and to be honest, I moved on just by forgetting about it. Not so easy for everyone I know.
I don't blame myself, I blame him. He knew what he was doing.

ofwarren · 15/10/2022 10:53

And yes, I wasn't remotely attracted to him but found it hard to say no as an undiagnosed ASD teen. My boundaries were none existent and I had a really bad relationship with my father which didn't help.

Original poster
Canthinkofaname79 · 15/10/2022 10:55

Thank you for sharing. I mostly think I have moved on but I do feel quite angry sometimes.

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Original poster
Canthinkofaname79 · 15/10/2022 10:55

Gave up pretending it wasn't me!

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HouseBook · 15/10/2022 10:56

@ofwarren

I was also undiagnosed and had no idea how to navigate these situations. I was targeted by a 32 year old man when I was 16. He was married. I was thrown out of my house by my parent and his wife punched me in the face and stuck by him. 30 years later they are still together.

I don't know how you make good with the past, I have a lot of anger - that was not the only predator I encountered, there was much worse to come. But I have found that the more I understand myself the easier it is becoming to realise that none of it was my fault.

ofwarren · 15/10/2022 11:00

HouseBook · 15/10/2022 10:56

@ofwarren

I was also undiagnosed and had no idea how to navigate these situations. I was targeted by a 32 year old man when I was 16. He was married. I was thrown out of my house by my parent and his wife punched me in the face and stuck by him. 30 years later they are still together.

I don't know how you make good with the past, I have a lot of anger - that was not the only predator I encountered, there was much worse to come. But I have found that the more I understand myself the easier it is becoming to realise that none of it was my fault.

Yeah, it wasn't the only one for me either. I just didn't understanding that I was allowed to say no and because I had no father figure really, I was sort of flattered.

Anger is a good emotion I think in this situation. Anger and disgust, not in yourself but in the perpetrator. We can't change what happened, just got to forgive ourselves as we were only children Flowers

custardbear · 15/10/2022 11:01

Move on, he's not worth the headspace and certainly not the anxiety 25 years on ... let go and enjoy being the new you

Georgeskitchen · 15/10/2022 11:03

Sometimes you have to learn from experience ( took me a few goes at it to actually learn) put it behind you and move on. Don't let some sleazeball ruin the rest of your life x

HouseBook · 15/10/2022 11:04

Move on, he's not worth the headspace and certainly not the anxiety 25 years on ... let go and enjoy being the new you

OP is asking how to move on.

Original poster
Canthinkofaname79 · 15/10/2022 11:08

Thank you I have mostly moved on, just sometimes you think about stuff don't you.
Similar situation,my parents were furious at me and him,made me phone his wife! I was such a "good girl" I just did it. He's still with her and politically quite successfully and known locally, fortunately no where near me.
I think I feel such disgust cos I was tiny and he was quite large and I lost my virginity to him. That's probably an awful thing to say isn't it. I wasn't attracted to him at all and I just wish I'd said no.

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ofwarren · 15/10/2022 11:13

I moved away too. Not because of him but the separation definitely helps.

Original poster
Canthinkofaname79 · 15/10/2022 11:17

I live far away for different reasons but am glad I do.

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Original poster
Canthinkofaname79 · 15/10/2022 20:07

Just bumping for any more input or thought, really been on my mind today.

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RandomMess · 15/10/2022 20:12

It was disgusting of him and you probably weren't the only young girl or woman he groomed.

He loves his life doing want he wants what you struggle with the trauma of what he did to you Angry

Flowers
SallyWD · 15/10/2022 20:12

It's awful. He was praying on a vulnerable, inexperienced teen and I'm not surprised it disturbs you now, looking back. Unfortunately, there will always be creeps like him around. What can you do though? It happened. You can't really go to the police as you were over the age of consent and he didn't (I assume) force you. Would you consider writing him a letter explaining how wrong it was and how it still affects you today? It might make no difference to him but maybe it would help you.

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 15/10/2022 20:14

Definitely grooming.

Original poster
Canthinkofaname79 · 15/10/2022 20:17

SallyWD · 15/10/2022 20:12

It's awful. He was praying on a vulnerable, inexperienced teen and I'm not surprised it disturbs you now, looking back. Unfortunately, there will always be creeps like him around. What can you do though? It happened. You can't really go to the police as you were over the age of consent and he didn't (I assume) force you. Would you consider writing him a letter explaining how wrong it was and how it still affects you today? It might make no difference to him but maybe it would help you.

Thank you all so much for validating my feelings. I have thought of doing this. I've found him on Facebook, but even if I wrote a letter and tore it up I think that would help him.
No force no but it still feels disgusting, probably on my mind as my own daughter gets closer to that age.

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Original poster
Canthinkofaname79 · 15/10/2022 20:18

It's also completely never spoken about in my family and my absolutely beloved Grandmother died a few months after it happened which makes me so sad.

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RandomMess · 15/10/2022 20:25

I would discuss this with the police and see if they will press charges, who knows how many others he has done this to!

Original poster
Canthinkofaname79 · 15/10/2022 20:34

RandomMess · 15/10/2022 20:25

I would discuss this with the police and see if they will press charges, who knows how many others he has done this to!

I don't think I want to do that, it wasn't illegal and it would cause so much trauma to me and my family.

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Original poster
Canthinkofaname79 · 15/10/2022 20:34

God knows why his wife took him back.

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