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Original poster

I feel like I'm going a bit crazy. Affair and messed up.

46 replies

Andjustlikethat22 · 14/10/2022 12:58

Not quite sure what's going on with me but my head is completely scrambled.

Been with DH for 10 years, had no sex or intimacy/kisses nothing for 3 years.
The last few months my menopause kicked in and my wax drive has gone through the roof, I've found myself fantasising all the time. 3 months ago I went on a dating app and met a guy, I told him my situ and we started meeting for sex. It was amazing and exciting and I was literally buzzing. He's now ended it and Ive never felt so lonely in my life. My head is completely scrambled and im not sure what's going on with me, im crying everyday.

Yes I know it's disgusting I've had an affair but im trapped in this marriage financially. I can't get out until next year when my LO starts school and I can go back to work.

For info I have tried on many occasions to speak to DH and tell him how I feel but he shuts me up and lives in denial. He's declined counselling and openly said he just doesn't ever think about sex .

OP posts:
OldTinHat · 14/10/2022 13:13

Very kindly, your marriage has run its course. Get some advice about separating, maybe Citizens Advice or a free session with a solicitor. Then, more importantly, look after yourself because you need to be strong and independent to get through this period.

Original poster
Andjustlikethat22 · 14/10/2022 13:22

Meant sex drive not wax drive!

OP posts:
Original poster
Andjustlikethat22 · 14/10/2022 13:23

Yes it has run it's course, I can't actually Belinda how bad things have gotten. I'm seeing a solicitor next week for some advice but really feel nothing can change for another 12 months. Not sure how I'm going to cope

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Menopause Relationship problems Women's health
Original poster
Andjustlikethat22 · 14/10/2022 19:47

Has anyone else done anything like this and felt similar?

OP posts:
MrsMinted · 14/10/2022 20:01

Not personally, but close to someone who has been in this situation. It isnt uncommon. Having an affair definitely messes with your head - you can't "own" the pain of breaking up with your AP, because you have to pretend it never happened in the first place. And even if you feel justified having an affair, at the end of the day I expect you feel (possibly suppressed) guilt and stress around what you've done. You went out apparently looking for sex - and you got it. But what you were really looking for was someone to have a meaningful relationship with, someone who would affirm your value as a still-desirable woman. And of course it now hurts to be tossed aside because he's bored of the sex and wants a change.

I think the best thing you can do now, is focus on preparing to leave. Talk to your DH and prepare the ground. What stops you going to work now? How will you afford to live once you split up? Make it as amicable as possible for your DC sake.

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 14/10/2022 20:09

im trapped in this marriage financially. I can't get out until next year when my LO starts school and I can go back to work.

Why? If you think your marriage is over, you need to act now? Since your dh is unwilling to speak with you to solve the problem, you shouldn't be bound to the rule that childcare is your sole responsibility. He should be doing more so you can work, imo.

Original poster
Andjustlikethat22 · 14/10/2022 22:09

It took me years to have my LO and I don't want to miss out on these early years by putting him in full time childcare/ preschool.
He goes twice a week and it's a good balance for him and me.

That's what's stopping me leaving now.

OP posts:
VenusClapTrap · 14/10/2022 22:36

One of my best friends was in your situation. When she was on the verge of leaving, her Dh finally agreed to sessions with Relate. Long story short, he accepted he had been emotionally unavailable, forgave her the affair, and they gradually got things back on track. That was over a decade ago now, and they are very happy together now.

Not saying this is what you should or shouldn’t do; you are different people. But you asked if anyone had felt like that and done similar.

VenusClapTrap · 14/10/2022 22:39

Actually, she wasn’t on the verge of leaving. She’d already left. But she couldn’t cope on her own with two very young dc so she went back and they went to Relate. At that point she couldn’t imagine ever being happy in that relationship again, but she is.

StarfishBrain · 14/10/2022 23:53

Jesus that's sad. Going back not because the relationship was good but because "she couldn't cope on her own with two very young DC".

This very much sounds like someone convincing themselves they are "happy" in a shit relationship because they haven't learned the skills to cope alone. Hardly a happy life.

StarfishBrain · 14/10/2022 23:55

OP if you've gone on a dating app and had an affair that is not an "ooops" thing. It's very deliberate. The relationship is dead.

Do the decent thing and tell your husband the truth and separate.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 15/10/2022 00:20

You aren't trapped, you've chosen to milk this man for all he's worth to fund your lifestyle.

You want this extra time with your DC so you lie and cheat on your husband because you want him to support you being a SAHM.

It's all about you and what you want.

Plenty of kids are very much wanted and have 2 parents who work.

I understand being miserable in a relationship, but if you are miserable you either a) leave the relationship and make the relevant sacrifices or b) work on the relationship with your other half and make the relevant sacrifices. If b doesn't work you do a. If a doesn't work you seek help elsewhere.

You've now created an unstable family environment.

JustFeckIt · 15/10/2022 00:49

Can imagine the responses if a SAHD had posted that his wife hadn’t wanted sex since the birth of their child, so he’d gone on a dating app, sought out an affair partner, had loads of great sex and now was it had ended was pining for his OW and he’d have to stay with his wife until their kid started school and he could go back to work.

They’d be quite different from most of these me thinks 🤔.

No sympathy OP. You should have ended your marriage before you cheated. Or at least gave your DH the knowledge that the no sex/affection was a deal breaker and you were going to shag someone else so he had the choice to leave. It’s not like it was a mistake’ or you didn’t mean it to happen.

Agree that you are just using your DH to support you so you can stay at home. Maybe he’d have liked to? Dress it up all you like. Many women leave marriages while their DC are young. It’s not the 1950’s anymore. You have agency and are not a victim. Be honest with your DH and leave.

WalkthisWayUK · 15/10/2022 01:19

You are not the victim here, your DH is.

AlmostSummer21 · 15/10/2022 01:42

@Andjustlikethat22

Do you know why he ended it? Are you missing 'him' or just the sex/closeness with 'someone'?

it's perfectly normal to miss someone/something that's been a part of your day, then suddenly isn't.

A person that isn't giving you any affection/intimacy of any kind that you've talk to & tried to 'sort it out' but they won't talk to you/chooses not to see the problem has no right to complain when the other person finds that elsewhere.

Being 'dumped' hurts, I'm not surprised you're upset.

it's probably best to not put yourself through that again until you're single & it's with someone who has potential.

in the meantime, see that solicitor and get copies of all the necessary paperwork. work out what you think you'll do re housing etc

Get your CV sorted & start looking around at job sites etc with the aim of applying in time to start maybe this time next year.

Fill your spare time planning, so you're on it when the time is right.

be kind to yourself, let yourself feel how you feel. Something has ended, it's ok to be sad about that! (Just not for too long, you need to look forward!)

BlueKaftan · 15/10/2022 01:47

Your long waited for child is about to have his family split up so it’s best if you get your act together and stop having affairs. Step up.

StarfishBrain · 15/10/2022 04:04

BlueKaftan · 15/10/2022 01:47

Your long waited for child is about to have his family split up so it’s best if you get your act together and stop having affairs. Step up.

What, and just pretend it didn't happen? Her husband deserves to know the truth.

UserError012345 · 15/10/2022 04:36

Tbh OP it wasn't about sex it was about wanting to feel wanted & desirable. Yes some will flame you for it but it happens.

Unfortunately what it's done is muddy the waters, you no longer have a clear conscience and can walk away knowing that you do.

If you are adamant that it's over, start sorting your finances out. Can you afford to split? Where will you live? What custody split will there be? Etc etc

Original poster
Andjustlikethat22 · 15/10/2022 07:35

I've tried to seperate with DH several times over the last 2 years but he threatens to kill himself and begs me not to leave him.

Yes it probably looks like I'm using him but that's not the case. He works for my family business so it's not all black and white.

I've told him I miss sex, kissing and some affection but he doesn't want to give it.

I am seeing a solicitor this week for advice.

I'm not looking for sympathy, yes I feel shit about it and can't quite believe I've got to where I am considering up until 3 months ago I'd not even flirted with anyone in the whole of my marriage.

OP posts:
NCHammer2022 · 15/10/2022 07:37

Go back to work and use childcare. If you’re crying all the time it’s not going to be better than your child going to a good nursery setting.

FeralWitch · 15/10/2022 07:41

You’re human, love.

Don’t beat yourself up. It sounds like your husband has backed you into a corner. Withholding affection, refusing to get help and then using coercive control to keep you where he wants you?

Under those circumstances, you’d have to be a saint to act well.

Does he want to stay in the marriage for fear he’ll lose his job in the family business if you separate?

Original poster
Andjustlikethat22 · 15/10/2022 07:56

@FeralWitch
He doesn't want to lose me or our family set up. He refuses to believe we have a problem, the only time he kisses me is if we are with other people then he will put on this pretence that we are the perfect couple. He's openly told me that in the last years he's not even thought about sex, hasn't even sorted himself out.

OP posts:
SpeccyHotdog · 15/10/2022 08:14

I think if you tell him that you had an affair, he'd be very quick to split up with you.

Go on, do it. Oh that's right? It suits your narrative to just keep up appearances for a year.

The earlier you split up, the easier it'll be for your child.

Your husband deserves the truth, you're just afraid that everyone will find out the type of person you are.

FeralWitch · 15/10/2022 08:15

What do posters get out of being so rude and judgemental to a stranger online?

I genuinely don’t get it.

Icanflyhigh · 15/10/2022 08:37

SpeccyHotdog · 15/10/2022 08:14

I think if you tell him that you had an affair, he'd be very quick to split up with you.

Go on, do it. Oh that's right? It suits your narrative to just keep up appearances for a year.

The earlier you split up, the easier it'll be for your child.

Your husband deserves the truth, you're just afraid that everyone will find out the type of person you are.

Was there actually any need for that at all?
Rude, offensive and plain nasty.
Just why?

OP, what you have done is not good, you know that, but you've also been backed into a corner and you're coming out fighting.
Finances will sort, but this js no way for either of you to live and certainly not good for LO.