I feel like I'm going a bit crazy. Affair and messed up.

[Andjustlikethat22]

Not quite sure what's going on with me but my head is completely scrambled.

Been with DH for 10 years, had no sex or intimacy/kisses nothing for 3 years.
The last few months my menopause kicked in and my wax drive has gone through the roof, I've found myself fantasising all the time. 3 months ago I went on a dating app and met a guy, I told him my situ and we started meeting for sex. It was amazing and exciting and I was literally buzzing. He's now ended it and Ive never felt so lonely in my life. My head is completely scrambled and im not sure what's going on with me, im crying everyday.

Yes I know it's disgusting I've had an affair but im trapped in this marriage financially. I can't get out until next year when my LO starts school and I can go back to work.

For info I have tried on many occasions to speak to DH and tell him how I feel but he shuts me up and lives in denial. He's declined counselling and openly said he just doesn't ever think about sex .

@SpeccyHotdog It's not all black and white you know. I'm not looking for sympathy or pleading the victim.

If you'd have asked me anytime before if I'd have ever done this I'd have said 100% never. I'm not a serial cheater.

Tried to tell DH last month what I'd done but he didn't believe me and told me to stop speaking.

Where was it rude or offensive?

The truth stings, but really, when it comes down to it, decent, honest, good people do not cheat on their husbands or wives.

Just because she's a woman doesn't mean that she gets a pass. It she was a man on here spouting the self involved woe is me crap, she'd get roasted.

Tell your husband, give him the choice.

@SpeccyHotdog I agree, it's awful what I've done. Did you read my replies?

Break ups are so painful especially if you were only just in the excitement, romantic, whirlwind stage.

Keep yourself busy. Try not to relive the times you spent with him in your mind too often. See friends. Go for walks. Exercise. Plan your future.

Wanting sex, affection and love is normal.

Sometimes they do.

Life isn’t black and white.

Sometimes good, decent people are rude online, too.

Not awful enough for you to sit him down, and spell it out in no uncertain terms that you cheated and your marriage is over?

Because when he knows you cheated and you split up, more than likely your family/friends will find out, people will judge you, your child when they are older will find out the reason, his parents are not together is because you cheated.

No one will take into consideration that the marriage was already dead when you cheated. You will always be painted the bad guy in this. That's why you won't own up, that's why most people who cheat don't tell the truth.

That's why you leave before it gets to this, you leave before you cheat so that you can keep your head held high and your dignity intact.

Im not trying to be harsh, just admit to yourself when push comes to shove, you pick your own welfare above everything else and move on.

@FeralWitch

Again, where was I rude?

Direct, yes.

This is pretty black or white. When you get married you make vows, you either keep them or you don't.

This may not be a popular opinion but good, decent people don't cheat.

But just to grey it up for you, not all people who don't cheat are good people

Ugh. Posters who go on and on about how unfair mumsnet is to men, and the double standards they have to face etc are so cringy. The whole fucking internet, the whole world for that matter is male centric, but one tiny part of the internet that’s female centric and some women like you have a melt down and need to point it out on every thread. It’s so fucking tiring. I was on a thread last week where a man cheated and plenty of posters were saying ‘well if he wasn’t getting sex, what did you expect?’ So dont bullshit about how we’d all be lynching him. I’m sure men appreciate you being their great saviour though 🙄

OP, you’re human, your husband is trying to shut down your needs and wants you to shut up and play pretend with him. That’s not fair. He doesn’t have clean hands here, he’s treated you dismissively and tried to prevent you from leaving, but I think it’s time that you really lay it on the line, and mean it. You can’t continue like this. Do you think he’d be open to you seeing other people if he doesn’t want any intimacy at all?

@Naunet I did try and tell him I'd seen someone bury he told me not to tell him anymore and that he didn't believe me. I've started going out which is so unlike me so I'm pretty sure he knows deep down but doesn't want to face it.
I don't think he'd agree to me having sex with someone else but equally I wouldn't expect that either.
We don't argue it's just dead

It sounds like he just wants to bury his head in the sand. Do you have any insight as to why he’s like that? Does this set up work well for him, so he wants to keep plodding on, or could he be depressed and unable to cope? I think knowing might give you some insight on the best approach.

I think you are going to have to have a conversation with him, not to tell him about the affair, there’s no point at this stage, but to tell him it’s not working for you, it’s making you desperately unhappy and you want to split. You can’t allow him to shut that down, you need to be assertive. Maybe take some time first to work out what sort of future you do want, what it is you’re aiming for? If he still refuses to listen, I think you need to just get on with splitting. I’m sorry but I can’t agree that you should stay until your child is in school. I think you sadly need to look at getting back to work, this situation can’t be good for your mental health long term.

Op, you say you can’t leave because of finances. Then because you would miss out on your dds younger years, then because he says he will kill himself.

Sounds like you have a list of excuses you are working down.

Him threatening to kill himself is awful and so manipulative. However, how would he react faced with the knowledge that you went and sought out an affair, then left? Or even stayed?

if you genuinely believe he was going to kill himself, how has that risk been reduced by your affair?

I agree that staying is not good for my mental health. DH isn't depressed, he just wants to plod along like this forever. Said there's no way we can split up because we are married and he won't accept us separating.

My affair was totally selfish but at this point in time I don't regret it. Makes me sounds awful I know, my only regret is that that's over. I craved intimacy for so long.

Get yourself another friend with benefits for another year till you can leave

I can see why you’d think that, from what I’ve written, but you’re wrong. Their dc are pretty much grown up now and she’s the main breadwinner. She’d have zero reason to stay if she was unhappy. He sorted his shit out through counselling and they got back on track. It wasn’t plain sailing; it took them years - you could argue it would have been easier for them both to go their separate ways and start again (I probably would have, myself). But this is what they chose to do and it’s worked out for them. They are genuinely happy 🤷‍♀️

Like I said, I’m not saying this is what the op should do, just responding to her question.

@Naunet "Ugh. Posters who go on and on about how unfair mumsnet is to men, and the double standards they have to face etc are so cringy. The whole fucking internet, the whole world for that matter is male centric, but one tiny part of the internet that’s female centric and some women like you have a melt down and need to point it out on every thread. It’s so fucking tiring. I was on a thread last week where a man cheated and plenty of posters were saying ‘well if he wasn’t getting sex, what did you expect?’ So dont bullshit about how we’d all be lynching him. I’m sure men appreciate you being their great saviour though 🙄"

1000 times this!

And OP, I'm on your position, unable to leave even though I'm the higher earner, no intimacy now for 3 years.
My only thought for you is to suggest counselling. Tell him it's that or you will start separation proceedings....then you can honestly tell yourself and your child that you tried everything before leaving.

OP, at this stage it’s not so much about the lack of sex and affection, it’s about the lack of consideration for your feelings.

Have you spoken to your H about this? Or asked him if he is happy with the situation, why does he choose to stay on in the marriage? Does he love you as a husband?

Intimacy doesn’t have to be about sex, but if the basics aren’t there then it’s time to go. Don’t waste another year of your life. It’s too short to wait.

I don't blame you for having an affair. Your husband does not want sex with you and that's fair enough. But to expect that your sex life will end as a result of his choice is not. You took charge of the situation and found a way to meet your sexual needs - good for you.

The issue you have now is different, the way I see it. Once your sex life was back on track, that was taken away, so the thought of going back to daily life seems unbearable. Separating is the obvious answer, but if you say that'd be difficult for a year. Have you considered getting another lover?

Your husband knows how dire the situation is and yet he can't bring himself to touch you, so I'm afraid I have no sympathy for him.

Take control.

This.

You’ve behaved perfectly understandably in the circumstances.

Hope you get your life back on track after you leave him. All the best OP

Ugh. Posters who go on and on about how unfair mumsnet is to men, and the double standards they have to face etc are so cringy. The whole fucking internet, the whole world for that matter is male centric, but one tiny part of the internet that’s female centric and some women like you have a melt down and need to point it out on every thread. It’s so fucking tiring. I was on a thread last week where a man cheated and plenty of posters were saying ‘well if he wasn’t getting sex, what did you expect?’ So dont bullshit about how we’d all be lynching him. I’m sure men appreciate you being their great saviour though 🙄

And this! This is so true!

You can leave now if you want to.

You can go back to work part time and top up your wage with universal credit and your child maintenance. You've got your preschool time to work and the hours your LO would be with his dad.

Sometimes you just need to face the reality of "it's not working" and bite the bullet and do something.

Cheating isn't the answer, when actually you're choosing not to leave.

Such a lovely response