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Original poster

To take child that can’t be bothered out of private…

32 replies

Foronenightonly01 · 13/10/2022 22:56

Dd1 is bright & capable at both music and sport. Our kids are all at a private day school. In dh & my opinion they’d do just as well academically at the local high school but we pay private for the sport & music etc (I’d love to say they could get the same extra curricular opportunities at local clubs but there really isn’t any comparison sadly - I know you can in big cities but that’s not where we are!). 2 dc use every opportunity their school gives them. Dd1 however just never puts the effort in - she just coasts… I’ve explained many times that it’s pointless us paying if she’s not going to make the most of it and it makes no difference so am starting to think about giving a term’s notice for her. I don’t feel too bad about the discrepancy with siblings as firstly we’ve always made clear there was a ‘use it or lose it’ policy AND her hobby already costs us ££££s more than any of the others…. Anyone else been here / got sage advice? Does this make me a monster parent? Thanks!

OP posts:

ClaryFairchild · 13/10/2022 23:07

While I can sort of see where you're coming from, there is so much more tied up with schooling choices that pulling her and only her out will create a divide between you and her that will be there for the rest of your lives. Is THAT worth the money saved?

Meadowbreeze · 13/10/2022 23:09

How old is she? Has it always been like this? What's your local school like? Will this impact when you're able to go on holidays? Eg you normally go the second week of July but will have to go in peak weeks now.

Quitelikeit · 13/10/2022 23:10

Puts the effort into what? Work? Sport? Music?

either way I’m keen to m is what has made you think she isn’t putting the effort in?

and are you thinking about pulling her out or all your children?

removing one child could have disastrous consequences for their relationship going forward!

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cravattwat · 13/10/2022 23:10

I think it would be an awful thing to do to her and would be really hurtful.

Putting aside my views on fee paying schools, if you choose to educate your children in this way, it shouldn't come with conditions.

If you do this I think it could potentially not only her well-being but her relationships with her parents and siblings.

cravattwat · 13/10/2022 23:11

Missed a word there, I think it could damage family relationships.

isladeltesoro · 13/10/2022 23:16

What does she think?

If she really doesn't care and you have a mature conversation about it and agree it isn't for her then it might be the right thing to do but if it seems like a punishment for not trying then I agree with pp it could be very damaging.

Meadowbreeze · 13/10/2022 23:17

It's also a little strange that you're only sending them for the extra curricular. Surely if she's trying academically than she is using it? It would be a bit strange to punish a non sporty and non musical child like this. State schools are on their knees. You have no idea what kind of classrooms she will be going into. If there is not much going on locally, don't underestimate the effect of being surrounded by motivated pupils.
You sound a bit resentful tbh. If the expensive hobby is the problem than explain that to her and say she will have to choose as it's too much money, don't blame it on her lack of interest in clubs. That's a little cruel and a lot of pressure to put on a child. It's not her fault that's the system she was put into.

ihatesteve · 13/10/2022 23:20

I privately educate for the same reasons. I believe for middle class children with interested parents academicallly they are just as likely to do well in a state school.

It is annoying when your child doesn't make the most of the opportunitoes avaliable to them. But they are not
going to be more interested if you take the opportunity away from them.

By all means take your child out if you can't afford it but to do so due to percieved lack of effort is a recipe for a dysfunctional relationship further down the line.

NotABeliever · 13/10/2022 23:21

It's a terrible idea OP. Maybe there's a reason why she's not that bothered about extra curricular activities. Besides extra curricular activities are a small,part of the package surely?

Adultchildofelderlyparents · 13/10/2022 23:32

I think you need to explain more about what you want her to do that she's not doing / what the others are doing that she's not. Is she going to school, doing the homework, getting good grades? Then she's benefiting from the education.
On face value, taking one out of the private school and leaving two in creates an instant divide that will only get wider as they go through life, and will likely cause significant damage to the sibling relationship.

Goldbar · 13/10/2022 23:36

This is a really awful idea imo. As her parents, the one thing you should be striving to provide her with in her education is stability. There are many parents who couldn't even dream of paying for their children's education, but they still manage to provide them with a stable education. And you're planning to undermine your child's educational stability just because she doesn't do enough hobbies in your opinion? Parents shouldn't interrupt their child's education without a good reason - financial problems, relocation, academic, social, school not a good fit etc. - and I just don't think yours is good enough. What if she doesn't 'coast' at the new school but instead things go downhill?

Chewbecca · 13/10/2022 23:43

Er, no.

Original poster

Foronenightonly01 · 13/10/2022 23:51

Thanks for the responses….you’re all generally saying what I thought you might! I’ve got to be up at 5:30 so will respond fully tomorrow, but in the meantime thank you 👍.

OP posts:

ellyo · 13/10/2022 23:56

You're paying for private school in order for your children to have the opportunities you want them to have. You cannot conflate that with the idea that you are paying for them to achieve particular goals you have for them The former you can control, the latter you cannot.

Maslinka · 13/10/2022 23:58

You want her to be a motivated, self starting student, and to acquire all the skills she needs for that.

Don't pull her out of a school she likes for not trying hard enough. It's just mean. Do have a good hard think about what is the best environment for her to nurture those skills and motivations. Some children thrive best in a less competitive environment, some are more motivated by getting a job (when old enough) than by hockey matches or orchestra practice. But only move her to somewhere you think, hand on heart, is a better place for her. Don't do it as a punishment.

Womencanlift · 14/10/2022 00:07

ihatesteve · 13/10/2022 23:20

I privately educate for the same reasons. I believe for middle class children with interested parents academicallly they are just as likely to do well in a state school.

It is annoying when your child doesn't make the most of the opportunitoes avaliable to them. But they are not
going to be more interested if you take the opportunity away from them.

By all means take your child out if you can't afford it but to do so due to percieved lack of effort is a recipe for a dysfunctional relationship further down the line.

So only middle class parents are interested in their child’s education? What absolute BS

IsaidWhot · 14/10/2022 00:10

' - she just coasts… I’ve explained many times that it’s pointless us paying if she’s not going to make the most of it ...'
You what? you are the adult, you chose the school. stop harassing your child about school fees!
If she's happy, keep her there. Otherwise, go and choose a new school with her.

JamieFrasersBigSwingingKilt · 14/10/2022 00:34

My parents pulled my DB out of public school and sent him to a local sixth form college as he never applied himself or worked hard and they struggled to see what was the point of spending all that money on an unappreciated education. He enjoyed college (hadn't enjoyed school) and performed really well at a-levels. Their actions really gave him the kick up the arse he needed to work hard.

I remained at my private school throughout and got good marks, etc. There was no rancour between my bro and me over the discrepancy in our sixth form schooling. The main
point is that the school didn't suit my bro and the college did. Does your DD enjoy her school?

JingsMahBucket · 14/10/2022 00:38

Womencanlift · 14/10/2022 00:07

So only middle class parents are interested in their child’s education? What absolute BS

Show quote history

Stop trying so hard to be angry. That wasn't what that poster was saying at all.

Panjandrum123 · 14/10/2022 00:39

Don’t pull her out of the school - she’ll resent you forever for treating her differently, and unfairly so, to her siblings.

My eldest DS was at a good state school and just coasted - I suppose we’re middle class, we’re interested in our kids which hopefully won’t confound IHateSteve. There were plenty of opportunities, he just couldn’t be arsed and try as we might we could not motivate eldest DS to try them or to work to his full potential. It was frustrating but eventually we had to accept it because he wasn’t going to change. He’s possibly just going to coast through life, or maybe he’ll find something that will ignite a passion in him and he’ll fly. It’s his life and we can’t live it for him.

His brother, at the same school, is doing brilliantly. They’re just very different people but I wouldn’t have had them attend different schools unless they wanted that & they didn’t.

Accept the situation, stop harping on, you’ll just annoy her. It’s not kind or helpful. As long as she’s in school, doing okay, all is fine. Things could be very, very much worse and if you keep on at her, she may decide to show you that.

SkiingIsHeaven · 14/10/2022 06:48

If the child isn't as successful as the other one they will always blame you and say you took away her chances. Even if she did it herself. Say goodbye to your relationship and your daughter's mental health.

LaurieFairyCake · 14/10/2022 06:50

Terrible idea, you can't punish her like that

School is also about friends, familiarity and enjoyment

If she's happy it's too divisive to move her

BendingSpoons · 14/10/2022 07:01

How old is she? I think it would be reasonable to discuss it with her if old enough and suggest moving at the point of transition e.g. A Levels, maybe to start year 9. Possibly she would have more time for her hobby. I don't think a mid-year move to whatever school has places is a good plan if you don't have to (unless she is keen).

I completely understand your frustration at wasting money but it was your decision as parents to use this school. She is her own person and doesn't want to do the extracurriculars. Presumably she didn't agree in the first place to go and try everything out, or if she did was possibly too young to really know.

Does she coast academically. I agree that motivated, supported children generally do well anywhere, but if she does the minimum academically, she may find she 'gets away with it' more in a school that doesn't know her and may have larger classes.

ihatesteve · 14/10/2022 08:17

@Womencanlift no, and that's not what i said. Total opposite actually. I'm from a very working class background and had very interested parents and did very well. But neither of my parents went on to higher education so their knowledge on that was limited.

But, i privately educate. My neighbour does not. We are both in the same profession and have similar educational attainment. Her children are likely to do just as well as mine academically, mine just get to do it in a wood panelled environment with a slightly smarter uniform. I'm paying for the enrichment provision not the teaching.

Snugglemonkey · 14/10/2022 08:23

I do not understand why you would seek to make a difference as significant between your children. Or why you would be so blasé about disrupting her education, friendship groups etc. Do you have any reason for doing this that is actually in her best interests?

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