To take child that can’t be bothered out of private…

[Foronenightonly01]

Dd1 is bright & capable at both music and sport. Our kids are all at a private day school. In dh & my opinion they’d do just as well academically at the local high school but we pay private for the sport & music etc (I’d love to say they could get the same extra curricular opportunities at local clubs but there really isn’t any comparison sadly - I know you can in big cities but that’s not where we are!). 2 dc use every opportunity their school gives them. Dd1 however just never puts the effort in - she just coasts… I’ve explained many times that it’s pointless us paying if she’s not going to make the most of it and it makes no difference so am starting to think about giving a term’s notice for her. I don’t feel too bad about the discrepancy with siblings as firstly we’ve always made clear there was a ‘use it or lose it’ policy AND her hobby already costs us ££££s more than any of the others…. Anyone else been here / got sage advice? Does this make me a monster parent? Thanks!

What does 'she just coasts…' mean to you? I think you need to explain what you expect of her and how you think she is failing you in this regard.

Interestingly we pulled our daughter out of a grammar school and put her into a private school so that she can just coast. There is too much pressure on kids these days - she only needs the grades she needs to get into the A level programme she wants to do. We want her to still have a childhood - she'll be an adult with responsibilities soon.

That said we have one twin still in a grammar so one at state and one at private and they both are happy. Ask your daughter what school she wants to go to.

I agree with this. You and your husband work to pay these fees, so stop putting the decision effectively onto your child. I don't understand what you mean by her not putting enough effort in either, and that feels like another thread, but if you are happy to wrench her out of school/friends/routine and think she will cope ok and perhaps you will back off from telling her she isn't putting enough effort into your investment then by all means do it.

Thank you. Yes, you have all raised very valid points which I did know but were drowned out by my frustration last night. I won’t move her. As great as our local school is (I have lots of friends with kids there) she’d still probably get eaten alive and go off the rails in response to being moved unwillingly. I suppose one of her issues is she wants to be one of the best at everything and when she realises she no longer is (because she doesn’t put more than basic effort in) she throws the towel in because she’s ‘embarrassed’ at her ‘failure’ eg. If she’s not picked in the top group or team she wants to quit. I’ve sent her in this morning to go chat to a teacher about what she can do/improve to get picked for the top group for something….maybe if they can give her the incentive/a plan that’ll mean she’ll get there if she tries she might put the effort in. I won’t hold my breath though😂….. and in the meantime I’ll concentrate on being gently encouraging…On a very general note I do find it quite eye opening that so many parents seem to not care if their child doesn’t try at either academics or any extra curricular when they’re paying for it - that’s not in reference to posts above but others that I’ve met. It just seems crazy to shell out thousands for no tangible benefit.

As an anxious child who struggled with maths, just doing the bare minimum was exhausting and took all my mental and physical energy! I couldn’t have achieved top 10 in sports or music or anything on top - but of course it does depend on the child! X

What age is DD1?
I totally understand your frustrations but, if you were to move her, I would wait for a natural break-point eg moving to Secondary, starting sixth form.
DS was similar - bright but unmotivated. Seeing that he spent all his school life rebelling against academia, I did not encourage him to apply to University. I didn't discourage but I didn't encourage either. He surprised me by choosing to do it and emerged three years later with a good degree.
The trouble with these things is that you never know until after the event how it's going to pan out.

From what you've said about her quitting rather than failing and wanting to be the best she sounds like she has background insecurity about not being good enough. If you remove her from the school you will definitely make this worse.

Rather than criticise her for coasting maybe you could try rewarding her for trying. See if she agrees to do a club for a term and tell her you don't care whether she's any good you just want her to see it through to the end. Praise and make her feel good about the effort rather than the result and maybe she will be encouraged to try more.

Give her the choice. All of mine have to do school clubs. It’s not an option. DS1 is at a state school and he can choose out of school ones, but the k ea at private school have to choose two after school and 2 others.