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Original poster

Have I been ghosted by friend?

33 replies

GhostedTheMostest · 12/10/2022 12:02

I'm completely and utterly baffled.

Had a really good relationship with ex colleague. Last few times we met we had a nice time, nothing unusual. Dinner and catch up, walk and catch up.

I sent her a message a few weeks back and it occurred to me I'd never heard back, noticed the message on WhatsApp hadn't been opened but that she had been online, no problem assumed it has gotten swallowed up/missed/forgotten about.

Sent another message, exact same thing. I can't really think of any reason why.

I'm being ghosted aren't I? I'm not sure if I should try again, catch her husband (we cross paths semi regularly) to ask if everything is ok, send an email incase its technology failure, although I can't see how it could be. Or do I just leave it?

I feel really quite confused, have wracked my brains incase I unknowingly offended her but I know I didn't say anything. I'm not really sure what to make of it. It would be so out of character for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
GhostedTheMostest · 12/10/2022 12:49

Bumping this to see if it reaches anyone

OP posts:
Metabigot · 12/10/2022 12:53

If you uses to work together but have moved elsewhere it could be the 'glue' holding you together is no longer as sticky.

I had a few ex workmates fall off the radar despite being v good friends when working together.

I'm only in touch with one from my former job 4 years ago now.

Bit rude to just ghost but they may just want a clean break if they're not wanting to stay friends any more rather than fake hi how are you messages

Original poster
GhostedTheMostest · 12/10/2022 12:56

I can't really see it to be honest. We were more friendly after we worked together so whilst she is an ex colleague the friendship grew more so after she retired.

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Original poster
GhostedTheMostest · 12/10/2022 12:57

I guess it could be but it doesn't really seem to fit.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

OP posts:
KendrickLamaze · 12/10/2022 12:57

You might be. Could also be bad timing. Are you sending on WhatsApp and getting ticks? I know some people turn that off so not a perfect way to know delivered. I'd possibly leave it a little while then send on another media platform.

I agree with what Pp has said. It could be that the glue holding you has gone but rude not to respond at all.

Original poster
GhostedTheMostest · 12/10/2022 13:01

It's staying at the grey ticks but not going blue so message delivered but not opened.

The last time we spoke she spoke about organising something quite specific. If she had wanted to end the friendship I dont think she would make future plans. That's what I'm confused about.

OP posts:
Metabigot · 12/10/2022 13:16

Can you text her if you have her number from WhatsApp (ie old fashioned sms text).

Put a read receipt on

girlmom21 · 12/10/2022 13:17

She might have turned her read receipts off and just not got round to texting back.

I wouldn't keep chasing though.

Yamalt · 12/10/2022 13:19

Could you just give her a call?

Original poster
GhostedTheMostest · 12/10/2022 13:57

I think I'll give it a couple of weeks and try and ring her if I haven't heard anything.

It could be that she just hasn't got round to replying but again that would be very out of the ordinary for her. I'm torn between thinking she has cut me off for some reason and something maybe being wrong although she's never not kept in touch through illness, family loss etc before.

I just hope that if I have inadvertently upset her in some way that she would let me know, I don't think it can be though as nothing out of the norm was discussed.

OP posts:
LadyKenya · 12/10/2022 14:00

Yamalt · 12/10/2022 13:19

Could you just give her a call?

This. Why not just use the phone, and call her?

Original poster
GhostedTheMostest · 12/10/2022 14:01

I hadn't tried to call because I hadn't really thought much of the first being unread only when it happened again.

I don't want to call immediately after either as tbh I'd be real

OP posts:
Original poster
GhostedTheMostest · 12/10/2022 14:03

Really upset if it got declined/ignored.

A bit silly and childish but my feelings would be really hurt. I believe I'm a nice person, thoughtful and a good friend.

The idea I'm maybe not viewed that way is bothering me.

OP posts:
Metabigot · 12/10/2022 14:06

GhostedTheMostest · 12/10/2022 14:03

Really upset if it got declined/ignored.

A bit silly and childish but my feelings would be really hurt. I believe I'm a nice person, thoughtful and a good friend.

The idea I'm maybe not viewed that way is bothering me.

I have been ghosted/rejected by friends and it's horrible. It does seem the modern way to say 'f off' these days is to ghost/block and it never used to be like that.

Hoping your friend has not done this intentionally OP. It doesn't sounds like there were any warning signs.

Original poster
GhostedTheMostest · 12/10/2022 17:28

The entire concept of ghosting just seems cruel to me.

Common decency wouldn't allow me to do ever treat someone that way unless they had done something awful to me or my family.

OP posts:
BeefStewandMalbec · 12/10/2022 17:40

It's really horrible OP. Seen lots of similar threads on this.

It's happened to me and it makes you really question yourself. I did come out and ask once if something was up, was it me etc and got a "oh noooo, it's not you, I just need to be better at replying" but then has gone back to not replying at all, so now I feel like it's pretty obvious and that's it from me.

What annoys me is I was brave enough to come out and ask the question, she could have been brave enough to be honest.

Notmyusernamex · 12/10/2022 17:50

I was on here as I was posting on the bereavement board and I saw this thread in active. For a second I thought it was about me but details in your post show that its not.... but I wanted to tell you my circumstances and suggest you call your friend.

I am on the other side of this. I last had contact by SMS with a person who I thought was a good friend, possibly my closest friend. She knew one of my parents was seriously ill. My parent died unexpectedly - although seriously ill the death in context was a shock.

I went into shock and deep grief and radio silence to the world. Since then other friends have called me, emailed me and texted me to see how I am. These are not people who I told that my mother had died - just friends who were concerned they hadn't heard from me. Just a tiny text saying they were thinking of me meant the world.

I am now many months later and I am devastated by the fact my friend never got in touch with me to see how I was - not least because like you it is unusual for her not to hear from me and in my case she knew my parent was unwell.

I now can't bring myself to contact her because it has made me feel that she just doesn't care and I'd over valued the friendship.It was a painful painful loss to me at I time I really needed her. Of course, I have I wondered whether she was in the same position as me (I hadn't heard from her because something had happened) but I know from a party some mutual friends were at that she appears fine and is out and about socialising.

The friendship may be salvagable but it will require her to contact me first because I'm too raw to do it. I suspect realistically its dead and it was not the relationship I thought it was.

Anyway, I'm telling you this in case you are in a similar situation and something bad has happened in her life. Give her a call - you may be offering kindness support and help at a terrible time. Of course it maybe entirely simple reason she's not got back to you - too busy, intended to, distracted - ghosting seems very unlikely from what you say. If if she wanted a friendship fade, your more likely to get a reply and a fob off than total silence.

Original poster
GhostedTheMostest · 12/10/2022 18:01

Thank you for your reply and I'm so sorry for your loss.

I hope you've been feeling a little better, I can't say I know how you're feeling but I've experienced loss and it can come in ebbs and flows so please be kind to yourself 💛

OP posts:
Original poster
GhostedTheMostest · 12/10/2022 18:02

Should have said your message has solidified in my mind that I'll call. I'll give it a couple of days but I will call her.

OP posts:
Notmyusernamex · 12/10/2022 18:11

I'm glad to hear that @GhostedTheMostest . It did occur to me after I'd posted that it wasn't impossible that you may have altered some of the details in your post for anonymity (which is something I tend to do myself!) and I could still be your friend. . . I'll look forward to your call! :) (joking!)

FLOWER1982 · 12/10/2022 18:14

The thing is she hasn’t contacted you regardless of whether she did get your messages or not. It’s hard but I would let it go. Friendship is a 2 way thing.

IncessantNameChanger · 12/10/2022 18:46

BeefStewandMalbec · 12/10/2022 17:40

It's really horrible OP. Seen lots of similar threads on this.

It's happened to me and it makes you really question yourself. I did come out and ask once if something was up, was it me etc and got a "oh noooo, it's not you, I just need to be better at replying" but then has gone back to not replying at all, so now I feel like it's pretty obvious and that's it from me.

What annoys me is I was brave enough to come out and ask the question, she could have been brave enough to be honest.

I asked my ghosted too if I had done anything wrong to upset her as she wasn't engaging with me. I had the same thing, no its not you, its me, busy with life / stress, just need to get this out of the way.

Then I bumped into her having lunch with a new friend. It's weird. People are weird. Felt a bit being dumped by a bloke really. We saw each other weekly, then she started talking about a new school mum friend that had a massive house and lots of money. Then she withdrew from our friendship and I bumped into them together.

That was 7 years ago and it's really changed the way I view friendships now.

Metabigot · 12/10/2022 19:57

Notmyusernamex · 12/10/2022 17:50

I was on here as I was posting on the bereavement board and I saw this thread in active. For a second I thought it was about me but details in your post show that its not.... but I wanted to tell you my circumstances and suggest you call your friend.

I am on the other side of this. I last had contact by SMS with a person who I thought was a good friend, possibly my closest friend. She knew one of my parents was seriously ill. My parent died unexpectedly - although seriously ill the death in context was a shock.

I went into shock and deep grief and radio silence to the world. Since then other friends have called me, emailed me and texted me to see how I am. These are not people who I told that my mother had died - just friends who were concerned they hadn't heard from me. Just a tiny text saying they were thinking of me meant the world.

I am now many months later and I am devastated by the fact my friend never got in touch with me to see how I was - not least because like you it is unusual for her not to hear from me and in my case she knew my parent was unwell.

I now can't bring myself to contact her because it has made me feel that she just doesn't care and I'd over valued the friendship.It was a painful painful loss to me at I time I really needed her. Of course, I have I wondered whether she was in the same position as me (I hadn't heard from her because something had happened) but I know from a party some mutual friends were at that she appears fine and is out and about socialising.

The friendship may be salvagable but it will require her to contact me first because I'm too raw to do it. I suspect realistically its dead and it was not the relationship I thought it was.

Anyway, I'm telling you this in case you are in a similar situation and something bad has happened in her life. Give her a call - you may be offering kindness support and help at a terrible time. Of course it maybe entirely simple reason she's not got back to you - too busy, intended to, distracted - ghosting seems very unlikely from what you say. If if she wanted a friendship fade, your more likely to get a reply and a fob off than total silence.

I've seen , and experienced it myself, that when in a crisis a friendship can go to pot.

Similar to you, I had a friend- one of my oldest and closest friends- abandon me when I was going through a crisis and show not one iota of interest or concern.

It killed the friendship as I couldn't get past it. Maybe my expectations were too high but we'd been friends for years and I'd been there for her in times of need.

I found myself withdrawing and almost testing her to get in touch to show some concern yet she did not.

Not similar to the OPs situation but it's funny how quickly things can turn with even long term friendships.

Original poster
GhostedTheMostest · 13/10/2022 18:07

I rang her this morning.

I'm not really sure what's going on but she's asked if we can meet up so I'm obviously going to go and see what's what.

Thanks for all your replies.

OP posts:
Metabigot · 13/10/2022 18:39

GhostedTheMostest · 13/10/2022 18:07

I rang her this morning.

I'm not really sure what's going on but she's asked if we can meet up so I'm obviously going to go and see what's what.

Thanks for all your replies.

Oh - did she suggest it in a positive way or a negative way?

Sounds like you almost think she may P45 you when you meet

Hope that's not the case - do update if you can