I am so full of hate and frustration because I'm unhappy.

[Donchah]

I take it out on people who love me because I hate my life. I take it out on random people online. And I want to be better. I want to be a nicer person.

People outside would think I am because I do try to be but I get so sad and frustrated that I just be horrible for no good reason.

I have MH issues I'm trying to get help for but it's a long, slow progress with the NHS. I don't work because of my issues. I'm isolated.

I need to get out and do something. I feel worthless, I have no purpose. My kids are almost grown and I have nothing now.

I can't work. The mental stress is too much. Even the thought of all that responsibility being on me makes me want to self harm.

But I need to do something to make myself feel productive. I can't keep up any hobbies. Nothing sticks. I barely leave the house.

I would like to volunteer in a shop or something or do something with the elderly (that was my job before I got ill) but I'm TERRIFIED that if I tell DWP I want to volunteer they will say I'm able to work and take my ESA away.

8 hours a week to build my confidence is a million years away from a full time job.

But I know they would. When I had my assessment they told me I was fine because I occasionally made eye contact and I was not rocking?! So if I was doing voluntary work I know they would use it against me. I just hate myself. I'm a complete loser.

What do you do on a day to day basis? What is your daily routine

Do you have a partner? Do your children live with you?

You’re a pretty decent person to even have this insight and want to make the change

I was thinking of making things (I can sew) for a local animal charity and I think that would do me good and I wouldn't need to declare that but I feel like it's more the getting out of the house, talking to people and being able to say I do XYZ when people ask.

You have no idea how demeaning it is telling people you're unemployed is. It's so embarrassing

I don't have one.

Well, I do to an extent. I get up at 7am. Sort out kids for school. They leave at 8am. I feed my dog.

And I usually go to bed. That's where I am now.

I do nothing. Then I make kids their tea, wash uniforms, make sure they get a shower.

I do the most basic of housework, the minimum I can get away with to make it look alright.

My DP is at work, part time because of me, I can't cope in my own. It's embarrassing.

I'm not a real person. I'm a joke.

I'm having CBT therapy for depression and anxiety but I think there's something wrong me with me, on a diagnosable scale, but I don't know what.

My therapist told me to make a schedule. Write one to stick to.

That was a fortnight ago and I've still not managed to do that. It's too overwhelming and I know if I write it, I won't stick to it and it will just be another failure

You aren’t.

How old are you children?

you need fresh air. You really do. First thing to do today is to walk somewhere. Just 15mins. Build it up.

what is your diet like?

Yes - sewing for animal charity sounds like a great start. Perhaps you could also eBay too?

How is your relationship with your DP?

My therapist told me to make a schedule. Write one to stick to.

That’s a really big ask. None of us are going to stick to a whole new routine all at once, even if we feel on top of the world!
How about thinking of one thing to do on a daily basis? Something for you, because I notice everything you post is for others. Could you go for a ten minute walk, or make something nice to eat for lunch, or watch an episode of a favourite show? And see if you can do that thing every day for a week.

My diet is poor. I just eat crumpets and brooch buns. Don't drink water. Just diet coke. And then eat kids leftovers at night.

My relationship with DP is hard. We love each other so much but he is, rightly, resentful. He wishes I could get better. But he has his issues too. We get by together but it's not a bed of roses

Could you start a routine of walking the dog several times a day?

Brioche *!

Would the DWP need to know if you were doing, say, half a day week in a nice charity shop? I'm asking in a practical sense rather than a strict rule-following one - I think morally it's fine to do what you need to to make it happen as it would be really good for your mental health and a step towards getting back on your feet. DH runs a charity shop and has a lot of volunteers who just do a little bit to get them out of the house.

The good news is that there is so much opportunity to make improvements!

it will take effort though.

start small. Really small. replace one Diet Coke with a glass of water. Today.
Go for a very short walk.

are you overweight?

how old are you children?

what have you done for work in the past?

You need to start really small. Like op said, one glass of water instead of one glass of coke.

or a sandwich at lunch time. Or make extra of the kids food and have it with them. Have a proper meal.

work your way up. A short walk would be good. Even if you go to bed after.

Only you can change you op, people can make all sorts of helpful suggestions but you have to find your motivation whether that is being a livelier more enaged parent to your children, a better wife to your husband, a person you are proud of etc...

What worked for me when l am low in my life is to think about all l have compared to some people, for example l was told l couldn't have children but against all the odds managed to have two lovely DCs....when l feel overwhelmed by stress or life, l just look at my dcs and remember the absolute despair when l thought l would never have dcs, and that brings joy without fail and a renewed sense of purpose.
A friend who is prone to horrible depression says when she struggles to get out of bed and do anything, she thinks about women stuck in countries like Afganistan who have no options to study or work and life just goes by in a miserable poverty stricken environment. This motivates her to be relieved she has a minimum wage supermarket job, which with her DHs income allows them to rent a small but nice flat.

Everyone has different motivators, but laying in bed feeling anxious and doing nothing wont change anything!

I sincerely hope you find some purpose.

You have alot going on and it's a positive sign you'd like to use some of your time to help a charity, with the side effect of getting you out socialising and in the fresh air. I really think you need to see yourself as someone worth some effort, and it can start with you and how you look after yourself - starting with eating right and soon as possible. A person without MH worries will feel awful on a nutritionally low diet, the happiest person in the world would feel enervated and lethargic on such a diet you described. Food is the first thing that gets neglected so its totally understandable, but its a vicious cycle of not having the energy to make and eat a nutritionally adequate meal, then having no energy because your body is crying out for nutrition. Same goes for drinking water, theres not enough in coke. If you could get a bottle with measurments on side and fill it up in the morning, build drinking water into your routine, you must be dehydrated.

Then going out for walks/take up light jogging or some form of exercise that gets your heart rate up slightly, to give you a boost of happy hormones and make you feel like you've accomplished something that day. There may even be groups you could join in your local area, allowing you to socialise bit by bit. No need to explain why you're unemployed, no need to volunteer any info but that you don't work, or are a stay at home mum.

Worth isn't tied to a job, we're more than our line of work and being unemployed for a myriad of reasons is nothing to be ashamed of.

These things won't fix all your worries, but you're at least giving yourself the best chance of feeling better in the long term, by looking after the basic tenets of human health - nutrition, hydration and moderate exersise. Batch cooking for a week ahead may give you some purpose during the day, planning meals and different cuisines. One walk a day will get you into fresh air, it's so daunting after spending so long in the home but it's so vital too. I wish you all the best x

@Donchah I’m going to inbox you but feel free to ignore me if you want as I know exactly how you feel.

So sorry you feel so down on yourself OP. Are you on medication for mental health issues? It sounds like it might help /like an adapted dose might help. I guarantee you have a lot going for you, and a whole world of opportunity and happiness in the future, but it sounds like you're just not in a position to see all the great things about yourself right now. I think you're right that it's diagnosable and mental health related.

Better food, vitamin and mineral supplements, lots of water, walking, getting out to the park, being a mum and realising how important that is, finding a hobby, it'd all help massively but I'm guessing it's just too much of an effort right now/seems insurmountable....can you speak to your GP again?

You’re allowed to do some Permitted Work when you’re in receipt of ESA, up to 16 hours a week and earn up to £152 a week, and voluntary work for as many hours as you want. So long as you let them know it really shouldn’t be a problem.

And if you get the limited capability to work element it’s the same on universal credit

Op

cone back!!

OP have you had a psychiatric assessment or just counselling? Are you on medication? Do you see a psychologist? If you have a mental illness then no amount of scented candles and long walks is going to fix you. What’s the background to you becoming unwell?

I have a lot of similarities to you
I’m currently being assessed for autism .
Samantha craft ,autism in women check list …on net .
autism is not like how the media portrays ,for women it’s anxiety and depression at the forefront…worth a look if only to rule it out
sending hugs .
happy to chat about autism if you want to pm me xxx

I don't know. If be too scared to do anything behind their back.

I'm on 40mg citalopram.

I'm not overweight. Well I need to lose 7lbs to be a healthy BMI