I am so full of hate and frustration because I'm unhappy.

[Donchah]

I take it out on people who love me because I hate my life. I take it out on random people online. And I want to be better. I want to be a nicer person.

People outside would think I am because I do try to be but I get so sad and frustrated that I just be horrible for no good reason.

I have MH issues I'm trying to get help for but it's a long, slow progress with the NHS. I don't work because of my issues. I'm isolated.

I need to get out and do something. I feel worthless, I have no purpose. My kids are almost grown and I have nothing now.

I can't work. The mental stress is too much. Even the thought of all that responsibility being on me makes me want to self harm.

But I need to do something to make myself feel productive. I can't keep up any hobbies. Nothing sticks. I barely leave the house.

I would like to volunteer in a shop or something or do something with the elderly (that was my job before I got ill) but I'm TERRIFIED that if I tell DWP I want to volunteer they will say I'm able to work and take my ESA away.

8 hours a week to build my confidence is a million years away from a full time job.

But I know they would. When I had my assessment they told me I was fine because I occasionally made eye contact and I was not rocking?! So if I was doing voluntary work I know they would use it against me. I just hate myself. I'm a complete loser.

I've never had an assessment. I've been on antidepressants 15 years

Is that income related? I'm in the support group

OP you're not alone x I'm the same as you

Join a church choir and help with some of the events at church? lots in the lead up to Christmas. Or could you be on a patient forum to provide feedback, do some linked in courses, meet with friends do a sport?

I'm really heartened to see all the compassionate responses here too and I hope OP that this helps you to realise that you're unwell but you're not alone and one day with the right tools and support you WILL get better x

I'm an atheist. I detest the church.

I know. Everyone's been so kind. I panicked after I posted tbh. I thought I was going to be dragged through the dirt.

I'm going to try and go for a walk tomorrow. Small steps

I was told something invaluable when I was going through a period of having no motivation: do something that needs doing for 5 mins. In that time you either get going and it spurs you on, or you stop and just don’t do it any more. It’s the getting up and out of bed that is difficult sometimes.

I just wanted to send you an unmumsnetty hug. 💐

I feel for you OP. I agree with some of the posts of the above. I would start very small until that one change feels normal. Stop worrying about work for now. After you bring your kids to school, walk your dog before getting back into bed. It will make him/her happy and you will feel one more small achievement, do this every single morning for the next couple of weeks and will start becoming a habit.Think of the joy you are bringing your dog and you will actually be doing yourself some good. Then add something else small in that adds more structure, gradually over weeks. As @Imisscoffee2021 said Worth isn't tied to a job, we're more than our line of work and being unemployed for a myriad of reasons is nothing to be ashamed of. Small unpressurised steps.

If you've been on medication for 15 years and feel like this you need to be assessed, you need a psychologist, a psychiatrist to review and change your medication - get angry OP, don't feel you have to live like this. Ask your GP for a referral.

Did you get out for a walk OP?

OP, you are ahead of the game in terms of insight so give yourself a break. You are horrible to people because you are miserable, that, right there, made me happy to read. Do you think this functions any differently for anyone else? You don't think most of us are in the same boat? I think you are doing great. Stick with therapy, go back and tell your therapist you couldn't stick to the schedule, and talk it through, stick with the medication, and just take small steps. For starters, so you have needed your partner to be part time before, but is this true now? Your post reads like you manage quite a lot of practical stuff. So maybe you partner can increase hours. Look at the small stuff first. I don't know if you are right about the volunteering thing, but it sounds like you are ready for something so go for it!