"My DD doesn't want a birthday present, she's just happy your DD is coming to her party" - reeeeeally?

[emanresuymevas]

Why do parents do this? I have two sets (well, mothers) of my DCs friends who INSIST on getting my DC (the one who their kid is friends with) a birthday present. Both can be quite pushy about not only getting an idea of what to get, but specific ideas. Neither knows the other.

In both cases my kid's birthday is about a week before theirs'. So our party invites go out and they ask what my kid wants. If I'm slow in replying (a couple of days, but I'll message immediately to say I'll get back to them), I'll get follow up reminder messages. Fair enough..but then their invites arrive and I ask the same question. The answer is "My DC doesn't want a gift. My DC is just happy your DC is coming to her party." This can - has been before - on the same day they I've replied with some gift options for my child.

I'm not sure what point they're trying to make. Because it always comes around the discussion of what my child wants, I feel it's making my kids look grabby - which they're actually not. In both cases these other families are better off than us and their kids quite a bit more financially "spoiled" as they also have large families (that's just for context - it's not a judgement, my kids are not exactly wanting either). But we're not remotely hard up. So it's not like we can't stretch to a party gift. I just don't get it.

Usually after I get the response I kick myself for yet again forgetting they give this answer! I then reply that my kid actually wants to give the birthday girl a present, so ask again for tips. Neither give any! They just say their DD is happy with anything (def not true for one of them 😂)

Of course we always bring a present - as does everybody else - but why not just answer the question? Their kids are normal kids and would not be happy (understandably for a kid) if all the invitees turned up empty-handed to their birthday party - and they always bring gifts too.

They both don't want to waste time trying to guess what my kid wants - which I completely understand, I'm the same - but then don't reciprocate the courtesy of giving any tips when I ask even for the second time.

Can anybody can enlighten me as to why a parent would do this? Are there others out there with this experience? Why do they do it? What's wrong with just saying "Maria likes Barbies, Top Model products, books about spiders and anything purple." Especially when Maria most definitely doesn't want a party without gifts, because Maria is a normal kid!

You've just reminded me, a few years ago a mum came to pick her 10 year old up from my house.

It was nearly Christmas and she was happily telling me that her children didn't want any presents, just a donation to a certain donkey sanctity. I remember thinking poor kid.

I would gift them 'a goat' from Oxfam and see how altruistic they truly are.

Next time they ask what your DD wants you know what to say don't you.

Donkey sanctuary
not sanctity! Off to google what sanctity means now.

Why not just let your child choose the gift without asking the Mum? They'll have a general idea of what the birthday child is into, won't they?

I'm going to have to put a reminder in my calendar because I completely forget every year - until I get their replies!

What's wrong with just saying "Maria likes Barbies, Top Model products, books about spiders and anything purple."
What's wrong with this is that it creates an expectation that mum (yes mum) will go and get the actual thing asked for, rather than any random thing. It's secretly breaking a code of 'give them something random'. If we all followed the secret code, all of us would have a simpler life.

To explain. I operate a re-gift box for kids' presents. My kids get so much at birthdays and christmas; some of it goes in the re-gift box. I have an insanely busy life, as do most parents. Therefore I don't want the pressure of getting something the kid asks for or specifically wants - that means actually going out each time to an actual shop. I want to go to the spare room, reach into the box, find something and get the kids to wrap it up.

All the to- and fro- about what to get just adds complexity to my already very busy life.

That's what I usually do in the end, but it helps to have a bit of guidance..especially when you don't know what they've already got, or just if there's something they are hoping to get. They're good friends and nice kids so if they're hoping to get something, I don't have a problem with getting it.

I mean, I have a child's friend's party at least once a fortnight. I actually can't put thought and care into each gift. Anyone who expects that can f right off.

My Niece genuinely doesn’t care about presents, it’s quite refreshing and certainly wasn’t encouraged by the parents.

I wish we could use cost of living and the environment to stop kids party gifts. I'm sure some of you give lovely presents but a lot of it is rubbish. It is so wasteful. If the parents in my kids class got together and agreed a no presents rule for parties I would be celebrating.

tbh I don’t ask and just buy something I think is nice

So get your child to ask them directly 🤷🏻‍♀️ You're making something very simple seem very difficult!

Second this.

To explain. I operate a re-gift box for kids' presents. My kids get so much at birthdays and christmas; some of it goes in the re-gift box. I have an insanely busy life, as do most parents. Therefore I don't want the pressure of getting something the kid asks for or specifically wants - that means actually going out each time to an actual shop. I want to go to the spare room, reach into the box, find something and get the kids to wrap it up.
All the to- and fro- about what to get just adds complexity to my already very busy life.

But imagine you didn't have a re-gift box! I don't have space in the spare room for that, presents that are not wanted are donated to a local toy bank (like a food bank, but for toys).

And in my also very busy life, it's far easier to order X online, or go to a shop I know has X, than wander around shops with kids in tow, or browsing toy shop websites in my evenings, trying to find something Maria (obvs not real name) would like!

It saves me no time whatsoever.

And to add sometimes kids don't know exactly what they want - they may never have heard of a certain toy/ game/book but they may really love it after getting it.

If I say my "kids don't need a gift, they're happy to have your DC come to the party," I mean it.

My DC have one set of GPs who go overboard with presents, and frankly I don't need any more random stuff in the house.

I've taken to putting 5 quid in a card for birthdays, and it's always gone down well. It's often far cheaper than a gift when you factor in wrapping, tags, bows etc.

I think they're just trying to be nice & probably feel like their kids have enough stuff. Could you get something like cinema or book vouchers? We always put £10 in a card with sweets.

Get. A. Voucher

The. End.

I say this but my dc are genuinely just pleased to spend the day with their friends. We tend to do a special activity with their close friends and then they are spoilt by family so would rather have a trinket chosen by their friend because it's personal or nothing - at 10 and 8 they are old enough to know that the thought means more than a random 'boys' or 'girls' gift.

Not everyone is rich op - our kids last school over 70% were free school meals. They were proud parents and would refuse a party invite then turn up empty handed. I always send out a letter (yes because I couldn’t guarantee they could reply on their mobiles because of credit) explaining it was a birthday play date and as such no present or card is required just company as a friend. And yes I did have most turn up empty handed and did my children comment? No because they didn’t notice as they were so happy to have friends round.

personally I just put money in an envelope and have my child choose the card which they fill out.

Same as @noeyedeer - house full of junk from family gifts, children not particularly fussed about random “stuff to open”, genuinely just happy to be having a party with friends, and also school talks so much about over-consumption and the environment that none of us miss all that extra stuff.

Hopefully there will be a shift away from the normalisation of having to buy anything, anything at all for kids’ parties. Waste of time, money, effort and resources - let’s make “making a nice personal card” enough.

Is this a thing now' I have older children in their twenties and we just chose a present! Was my seven year olds birthday and I had a string of messages asking what he wanted! Anything????

Maybe their hoping you’ll respond the same way. So when they ask you, their hoping you’ll reply ‘oh don’t worry about gifts’ then they’ll say the same and neither of you have to worry/bother?

so when you reply saying what you want it puts them out so they hammer home the whole ‘my kid doesn’t want gifts’ thing?

I just stick a tenner in a card and say spend it on what you like .