"My DD doesn't want a birthday present, she's just happy your DD is coming to her party" - reeeeeally?

[emanresuymevas]

Why do parents do this? I have two sets (well, mothers) of my DCs friends who INSIST on getting my DC (the one who their kid is friends with) a birthday present. Both can be quite pushy about not only getting an idea of what to get, but specific ideas. Neither knows the other.

In both cases my kid's birthday is about a week before theirs'. So our party invites go out and they ask what my kid wants. If I'm slow in replying (a couple of days, but I'll message immediately to say I'll get back to them), I'll get follow up reminder messages. Fair enough..but then their invites arrive and I ask the same question. The answer is "My DC doesn't want a gift. My DC is just happy your DC is coming to her party." This can - has been before - on the same day they I've replied with some gift options for my child.

I'm not sure what point they're trying to make. Because it always comes around the discussion of what my child wants, I feel it's making my kids look grabby - which they're actually not. In both cases these other families are better off than us and their kids quite a bit more financially "spoiled" as they also have large families (that's just for context - it's not a judgement, my kids are not exactly wanting either). But we're not remotely hard up. So it's not like we can't stretch to a party gift. I just don't get it.

Usually after I get the response I kick myself for yet again forgetting they give this answer! I then reply that my kid actually wants to give the birthday girl a present, so ask again for tips. Neither give any! They just say their DD is happy with anything (def not true for one of them 😂)

Of course we always bring a present - as does everybody else - but why not just answer the question? Their kids are normal kids and would not be happy (understandably for a kid) if all the invitees turned up empty-handed to their birthday party - and they always bring gifts too.

They both don't want to waste time trying to guess what my kid wants - which I completely understand, I'm the same - but then don't reciprocate the courtesy of giving any tips when I ask even for the second time.

Can anybody can enlighten me as to why a parent would do this? Are there others out there with this experience? Why do they do it? What's wrong with just saying "Maria likes Barbies, Top Model products, books about spiders and anything purple." Especially when Maria most definitely doesn't want a party without gifts, because Maria is a normal kid!

I think they're just being polite and might feel grabby by listing stuff, even when asked. I give ideas to family members when asked but when random mums ask, I might give vague themes (e.g. he likes superheroes) but I follow it up with a breezy 'but honestly he'll be happy just to see tommy!'

I've just sent out party invites. They states no gifts please.

It's a joint party for my kid and their cousin.

So rather than people thinking they dont want to come cos they will have to bring 2 presents, I'd rather people turned up and didnt worry about presents.

Me and my family will be buying plenty of presents for my kid so it doesnt matter if some kids from school dont bring gifts.

I'm not sure why people think I don't know that not everybody is rich and feel the need to point it out? That's a bit weird given what I've posted. FWIW if anybody asks what my kids want my answer is something that is under £10 - "or anything your child likes". These two in particular, however, do not want to do cash gifts and do not want to join in group gifts (costing about a fiver per person). They "want to get something special".

And as for "some kids are happy not to get gifts" - I'm sure some are. But I assure you these two kids in particular are very much not like that! One knows the price of everything - I mean everything. And counts too. If someone turned up without a gift, it would be noted and discussed later with others. The kid is actually nice generally, but the idea that they don't find gifts important is truly not true!

However, maybe the those saying that I'm trying too hard have a good point. I have felt that I need to make an effort with their kids' gifts because they apparently want to get something that mine really likes/wants. I've felt that just getting whatever, wouldn't be very nice. I'm definitely not sure I could put some money in a card for these two though (have for others), as that's very frowned upon by both mums (not sure why exactly but it is).

Maybe a fiver in a card next year though would put a stop to this nonsense!

Unless I go down the route of gifting a goat on their behalf, of course. 😉

I've just sent out party invites. They states no gifts please.

I did this once when my kid was younger. Everybody came with one. Everybody. And I had LOTS of messages asking what my DC would like (was a whole class party). I reiterated that we weren't doing gifts, DC had enough etc, but thank you. It just caused confusion. I get it too because for a lot of kids - adults too - it feels strange to turn up empty-handed.

Actually for that party I had more people asking what to get than any other time!

I'm still dealing with the aftermath of the year that the entire class came to DS's birthday party generously bringing what felt like the entire Toys R Us closing down sales with them. There was A LOT. Some of it still hiding in the back of cupboards long forgotten about.

I wish children's party presents would do one. There can be the occasional gem, but there's a huge amount of stress, waste and re-gifting going on. I don't mind buying for close friends of the DSs (I get them to choose) and other than that, I've done £10 in a card for years.

What they've said is more polite than 'Please don't turn up with some random tat my child does not want nor need'. They are asking you for ideas because they do not want to rock up with random tat to your DC party.

Sounds like they are being nice and polite by not making you feel pressured to buy a gift
If you want to buy the child a gift buy it if you don’t then don’t stop buying gifts now I just put 10 or £20 in a card, Saves all the hassle trawling up and down the shops looking for the right product

Sorry I meant to say I’ve stopped buying gifts I just put money in a card

Kids choose on Amazon generally. Up to £10 per gift. I have twins so they can pool funds if both going.

I do think you’re over complicating it. Just let your kid decide.

Book token. Sorted

I'm considering my eldest's first real birthday party which is coming up next month. We usually just do tea with grandparents and stuff but I'm thinking of inviting all his nursery class to some brightly coloured chaos somewhere.
My DC would be genuinely thrilled with the party and the gifts he got from family.
I just don't want a wave of 30 toys he doesn't need all at the same time. I don't have the storage, I'm not organised enough to do toy rotations and stuff like that, I don't want people to go out of their way and source something and wrap it for me just to donate it? It seems so wasteful. So I've been mulling over asking for no gifts, I actually didn't know some parents did this so that's quite encouraging!
Their birthday is also so close to Christmas it's just two huge waves of things for them and sibling and it's just excessive and unnecessary and a bit stressful to deal with and write all the thank yous too, and I'm aware of the cost for others so close to Christmas.
So you asked why someone would do that, that's why I'd do it!

I used to work in a bookshop and a mum and daughter came in and bought a £1 book token, turned out she was going to a party and the birthday girl (or the parents, let's be honest) had requested £1 book tokens instead of presents. (i.e. each guest to give a £1 token). I thought this was a great idea but never had the grit to try this with any of my own dc!

I suggest you buy a very large box of sweets and perhaps some bubble gum. And some slime. Or an assortment of glitter…

Maybe she really means "I don't want my house filled with more Make your own Charm Bracelet kits or fairy gardens." I must admit I would like to ask for no gifts but my DC like getting them. Most of them then sit unused for months before I donate them to the charity shop.

I'm considering my eldest's first real birthday party which is coming up next month. We usually just do tea with grandparents and stuff but I'm thinking of inviting all his nursery class to some brightly coloured chaos somewhere.
My DC would be genuinely thrilled with the party and the gifts he got from family.
I just don't want a wave of 30 toys he doesn't need all at the same time. I don't have the storage, I'm not organised enough to do toy rotations and stuff like that, I don't want people to go out of their way and source something and wrap it for me just to donate it? It seems so wasteful. So I've been mulling over asking for no gifts, I actually didn't know some parents did this so that's quite encouraging!
Their birthday is also so close to Christmas it's just two huge waves of things for them and sibling and it's just excessive and unnecessary and a bit stressful to deal with and write all the thank yous too, and I'm aware of the cost for others so close to Christmas.
So you asked why someone would do that, that's why I'd do it!

We do no-gift parties and have done so every year. They've apparently caught on, because other people in our social circle have started doing the same!

I send each person a message (C&P, but with names and details changed) that basically says something like:

This is a no-gift party, and we are asking people to not bring gifts.

Although it's lovely when people want to bring something, the truth is that we don't have very much space in our small apartment, and trying to organize too many possessions creates a lot of work and stress.

If some people bring gifts anyway and others don't bring them, it can create a really awkward situation.

So we'd really like people to refrain from bringing gifts.

If people want to bring something to the party, they're welcome to bring a food or drink item instead, like a bottle of tea, some fruit, some rice crackers or something like that. There's no need to bring anything expensive.

(I live outside the UK, in case the bottled tea and rice cracker reference is making you raise your eyebrows....)

I have actually never had a single case of anyone bringing a gift, after doing the above. You just need to level with people and explain your reasons, and give them an alternative that means they don't feel "empty handed."

The other nice thing is, that everyone winds up contributing to the catering of the party instead, which makes it easier and spreads the cost a bit!

I find consumables normally go down quite well if I have no idea what to give... kids' bath bombs, soaps, baking kits, hot chocolate and marshmallows etc. Assuming they're used, they don't take up space forever and, if they're not used, they can be regifted.

For my gs birthday each child brings a pre loved book and each child takes home a pre loved book.

Oh God, this is me, to be honest!

I have this complete double standard where I would never dream of turning up anywhere empty-handed, especially at an event where a present of any sort would be appropriate.

But I have an absolute horror of seeming like I want, let alone vaguely expect, a gift myself.

In the past, I have waved people away with a, ‘oh, they don’t need anything’, while going out of my way to get a thoughtful gift for other kids. Then I got over myself, and realised I wasn’t being ‘grabby’, and that people do genuinely want to know what to get, and it’s helpful to give some guidance.

Honestly OP, I wouldn’t read too much into it - it’s much more about them than it is about you.

Reply with something like "DD was so touched by the thoughtfulness of X's present and would really like to reciprocate, also I really want to teach her how to be kind and generous just as you are with X. What direction shall I guide her in when choosing the present to make sure what we buy is very much wanted?"

Just stick a tenner in their birthday card. Hand it to the host on arrival and make sure they are aware so it doesn’t get lost.

you will find the idea catches on after a few parties and by the time the kids are all 8 most people are gifting money or vouchers.

I'm not sure what point they're trying to make. Because it always comes around the discussion of what my child wants, I feel it's making my kids look grabby - which they're actually not. In both cases these other families are better off than us and their kids quite a bit more financially "spoiled" as they also have large families (that's just for context - it's not a judgement, my kids are not exactly wanting either). But we're not remotely hard up. So it's not like we can't stretch to a party gift. I just don't get it.

I'm sorry but this isn't about you. There isn't anything to get. Just respect what they are asking and telling you.

DS has enough stuff and we don't have the space for more plastic crap.

Buying him stuff for the sake of it a) isn't going to be appreciated by either him or us b) I will simply remove it and regift it / give it to charity which is a pain in the arse for me. The fact he doesn't even notice when I've done it in the past says a lot. We have a bunch of things on the shelf still never opened which will disappear in about a month to a charity box. c) we are trying to reduce our consumption and waste. DS is very much on board with this as he loves animals and nature and talks about global warming without influence from us as its mentioned lots in the tv shows he likes most. We don't want more plastic tat in the house d) people are aware that whilst you can afford a gift, not everyone can. And some parents are turning down invitations to avoid the embarrassment of coming empty handed. Asking for no gifts is considerate and equalising.

Thats our lifestyle and our choice.

I actually think its offensive and disrespectful to ignore that and decide that you somehow know better. I wouldn't dream of turning up at a party without a present unless asked not to even though I have different views about DS. Because that's the norm and what others want and I respect that.

Why is it so hard to understand? DS isn't being deprived in anyway. He has a short list of things he wants and that's not long enough to split between grandparents as it is. I don't want to encourage him to make a longer list if he's happy and satisfied enough. It's so utterly pointless.

You do your own thing for your own kids and let other families get out with doing theirs. They aren't passing judgement on you or telling you your wrong. They are just saying they want to do things this way instead.

The last two kids who had parties ive bought books I know the kids in question will like and I'm pretty sure they don't have.

The kids currently have a craze going on at school playing the characters in these books atm, so I can't have gone far wrong.

I was worried about the kids being disappointed and the parents thinking I was being too serious / educational / potentially judgmental. The reaction seemed positive though.

I figure if they already have these books, they are easily regifted even if it's to school.

A trinket?!

Just get them a book & some chocolate.

Maybe they don’t want a load of cheap tat but are too polite to ask for the money instead. Just stick a fiver or a tenner in a card and be done with it.