Regret big move 😪

[waterrat]

We moved out of london with 2 kids 7 and 9. Now on south coast. I desperately wanted to move for years but i miss London so much. I cry often. 😢 i feel like an idiot.

Children miss it too ..although 9 yr old has settled in made a lot of friends ....7 yr old v much pining for previous life.

Its been 5 months. Have met lots of friendly people..nothing wrong with where we are but i just feel absolutely heartbroken 💔

All my family are in london and one of mz kids has special needs i feel stupid to have left. Although where we live now is safer...cleaner...kids go to park on their own etc

I want to move back but would be incredibly disruptive...help......

Blunt but powerful.

Whenever I've moved it's taken me two years to settle and another two years for me to really feel like I belong there!

I’ve lived in London all my life and DM has moved around a fair bit during my adult years so I’ve had the advantage of regularly visiting a few non London places including Hove. I get the appeal of open spaces, less population and less pollution. I would miss the diversity and infrastructure of London but have spent a number of years craving getting out. It gets said a lot here: “wherever you go there you are”.

Not a helpful comment I know, but I hated living in B&H as opposed to London too. Didn't exactly adore London but MUCH preferred it over claustrophobic, equally-as-expensive-but-much-more-run-down B&H (plus loved running in the parks there, B&H has one shit park unless you are running on the South Downs or don't mind the hideous stony beach). If you can afford to I would go back. Just from someone who's also lived in both places.

Did you post this before OP? If so, I'm sorry to hear that you still haven't settled. I think you need to give it a bit more time, but if you still haven't settled after a year, maybe it's time to consider moving back (or moving somewhere else)? Although you wouldn't be slotting back into your old life completely of course - people will have moved, friendships will have changed, you'd go back to a different house etc.

It sounds like you felt really dissatisfied in London and spent a lot of time thinking about that and focusing on that so your brain is probably just following that same pattern in Hove? 5 months isn't very long, hopefully it gets easier with time...bit unless you decide to train your brain out of feeding this discomfort and agitation you will feel it wherever you are I think. Have you tried any therapy or mindfulness before to help?

If you keep focusing on London and comparing everything to your (now very much in rose tinted reminiscence mode) ideas of London, you are only going to be disappointed. You’re focusing on what it isn’t and, in doing so, missing out on seeing what positives there are.

For example, you say: ‘The beach is great but doesnt have the same day to day vibe as a big london park‘. But it’s ridiculous to be comparing it to a big London park. It’s not relevant and your focus on that ‘vibe’ you remember is preventing you from looking at the beach as a beach with a whole set of great beach-related possibilities. Try to embrace those - do your kids fancy stand up paddle boarding or kayaking or whatever.

I also agree with others that your 7 year old will be taking their cues from you in how they deal with and feel about the move. You’re thinking ‘oh it ok but it’s not London’ and that means they’re interpreting things through that same lens. Throw yourself into life in hove and it will help your child to do the same.

It would probably be a good idea to look into some counselling to help you reframe your thought processes and start seeing the possibilities of life in Hove rather than everything being overshadowed by London.

It’s not even like you’ve moved to the moon. You can easily do day trips to London - just don’t make them the highlights and the things you live for and see as the thing that gets you through the rest. See it as an additional bonus of hove that you can get up to London when you want to and still have this great life on the coast.

I'm very fortunate in that I can easily 'open a new chapter' & close the old one. I wish I could tell you HOW, but I don't know..

I think after 5 months you probably do have a feel for whether or not you have done the right thing in moving. So if you aren't happy then move back, if that is an option.

You don't mention whether you have a husband or partner, and what their take on it is.

Why did you move? Was it a case of thinking that "the grass is greener" and subsequently finding that it isn't?

Moving away from the place you grew up in and from your family support network is a very big deal, even if they are reachable by train. It just isn't the same. Keep your ear to the ground with regard to properties that come up, either for rent or to buy, in the area of your former home.

I moved from London to the Sussex coast 8 years ago. Initially I felt that I had made a huge mistake and regretted my decision. I told myself to give it a year and see how I felt. As time went by I grew to love the area I lived in and decided to stay there. I am really glad that I gave it time as I can't imagine living in London now. There is a good train service to London so I am able to visit friends and family, go to the theatre and art galleries in London and have also discovered lots to do in Sussex.

Maybe this is the biggest problem: accepting that your mental state was not caused by your environment. Perhaps you could try and work on this and in turn you might feel happier about your home. Mediation and running work really well for my anxiety.

I have friend who felt the same as you OP. She moved her family from London to Cambridgeshire, then spent most of her time travelling back to London, as she missed it so much. She was sensible, gave herself 2 years, then decided she still wasn’t settled and moved to the south coast 4 years ago. Her and her family are now completely settled and incredibly happy. She would tell you, as stressful as it was, she wouldn’t change a thing, as it lead them to the right place for them. She knew she wasn’t happy in London, but also know Cambridgeshire wasn’t the right place either. They just had to find their fit. It’s never as simple as, London or one other place. I would give yourself time and not make any knee jerk decisions. Take time to really work out what everyone in the family needs to feel settled and happy, then go from there.

Move back as soon as you can. Life is too short to be so miserable. If all your friends, family and support network are in London and it is the place that feels like home, then that's where you should be.

I lived in Hove and am now in Shoreham. I love the beach but I prefer greenery more. There are a lot of lovely green spaces to visit if you don’t mind a drive- Nymans, Sheffield Park, Arundel or Highdown Gardens north of Worthing which have had a makeover and are free to visit (or make a donation).

We pined for Hove when we moved away, but we are so close still and have really settled in Shoreham a few years on. It’s funny how life turns out.

I hope you are able to give yourself a bit more time and find some more support/groups/hobbies for you and your 7 year old. There’s a lot to get involved in which is a plus.

As some others have suggested, maybe speaking to someone about your anxiousness could be of benefit. A lot cheaper compared to moving!

OP can you drive/own a car? That will make a huge difference. The beautiful spaces around that area are much easier to reach with a car, and that makes a huge difference to enjoying where you live.

I say this as a cyclist and hillwalker who takes trains wherever possible, but living in the village where I am now I’d be very isolated without my car.

I move to the other side of the world. I move from my home country indonesia to cambridge. Its 18 hours flight. Do i miss my old life? Of course. I left all my friends and family. But this is life. I made my decision and i stick with it. I move on. Live in england for 10 years now and have husband and kids. Please dont pinning on your old life. Try to move on. Its the best you can do.

Thank you ladies of mumsnet I really appreciate the advice including the blunt advice !

I did the exact same thing 21 years ago. Also to the south coast. The first two years were hellish and I hated that I'd made the kids move (then 7 and 8). It did get easier hence I'm still here 21 years on :)it's a very different pace of life/lifestyle. You have to grow into it.

Thanks @yogafairy that is the kind of comment I need...

I think deep in my heart I know this is a natural grief for moving on to a new stage in life ...i actually had a lovely day today and feeling more positive...

Hi @waterrat How are you doing now?

We did the opposite move to you moving from the South Coast to London just before Covid - for my work and to be nearer elderly parents who could no longer travel down to see us very easily.

I still don’t feel settled and regret the move. I could now work almost anywhere!

However, like @UnderCoverFieldAgent i try and go down regularly to catch up with friends.

Hi @LMaufe we have settled now my kids are both happy and have friends and the sickening homesickness has gone

I sometimes think..if i could go back in time Im still not convinced I would move ! I just realised that despite the problems of life in london it was my home and starting again was so hard and so huge and I miss my old friends. And I miss london more than I expected

But. I can feel myself getting used to the benefits of life here ..luckily we are a sociable fsmily and have met a lot of nice locals

Where in london are you...i feel well versed now in the benefits of london as ive dwelled on them a lot !

I thought you were going to say you moved in the middle of nowhere...

if you are close to Brighton there is plenty to do there.

5 months is not much and it is normal to feel unsettled.

I would still try to get involved in activities, meet new people, discover more of the area and so on.

Give yourself another six months, and the opportunity to experience a summer by the sea, and if you still don't enjoy it then make plans to move back.

I moved to the seaside from London in December and I did ask myself for about a month if I had made the right decision as it was freezing cold and gloomy but now I am really happy and it is the best thing I have ever done!

Pleased you are starting to settle OP, I am sure with the better weather coming 🤞and building new friendships will help you. Good luck

Totally normal reaction to a big move for lots of people. I was glad my mum had told me it took her two years to settle when we moved when I was a kid. That seems to be a realistic timeline.

I’m two years in and now have no desire to move back while seeing some of the advantages of doing so. At five months I was just like you.

Like all big changes it takes time. If you can give it that time things become clear. If you ruminate on them they become more distressing.

I'm pleased for you too. We're now 2 years into our move and are just starting to feel settled.