Planning my DDs 16th birthday when they don't have many friends. Advice Please.

[NCer1001]

Hi,

So a bit of background, my dd has always struggled socially and didn't start making friends until year 7. We were absolutely thrilled when she started to find her 'people' within a few weeks of starting secondary.

Anyway, fast forward to year 11 and most of the group have moved on. It's really dented her confidence, as she feels as though it's her and that she's just not good enough or likeable ☹️ It's been a very long journey to get to this point. Lots of ups and downs and it honestly breaks my heart a little that after all that she might be leaving this school without any friends at all.

With her 16th birthday in January, I'm desperate to throw her a special party, but I'm really at a loss as to what to do. I've asked what she'd like to do, who she'd like to invite, but rather than getting excited, her head goes down and she just shrugs and says x and z probably won't want to come anyway 😕 She does have a couple of 'sort of' friends, but she doesn't really socialise with them outside of school. I know this isn't healthy, but I can't manufacture friendships for her. All I can do is help her as much as I can with her social skills and self confidence/worth.

Back to the original dilemma though, what should I do for her birthday? Stick to a big family get together at her favourite restaurant and just make it really special or risk her asking her friends and her being let down and incredibly upset on her birthday?

I really don't know what to do. I just want her to have the birthday she deserves without it being tainted by possible rejections/no shows.

Any advice would be really appreciated.

Thank you

@NCer1001 I am in the same (as an adult) position as your daughter. I had a solid friendship group, but so many people have moved away due to Covid there's only two of us left here now. There were originally 8 of us who were really close.

@NCer1001 maybe ask her about that as an option and let her choose where?. This is what I just did for my big number birthday (see above). It was lush!

This was me (I'm pleased to tell you that at 42 I have lots of friends!) What I would really have liked my DM to do is not to include the friends at all and not put any pressure on whatsoever about them. I KNEW that I had no/limited friends, the last thing I needed was somebody else making an issue of it!

Anyway, just discount the friend element altogether, plan something really lovely just for your immediate family, or for your extended family if that works for you. Then if DD is asked what she's doing, she has something lovely to say. If she wants to do anything with any friends, leave it to her/them to organise.

Has she been to any 16th birthday parties this year, or have her friends not turned 16 yet?

Maybe if she has one friend that she feels slightly closer to she could also bring that person to London to create more of a bond. I don't know many 16 year old girls who would turn down a free trip to London (if you are even considering London). Failing that, I would absolutely do the big family celebration, and I would tell everyone not to ask if she is going out with friends later or anything along those lines. Just have a day off from friendship hardship and enjoy the family bond

I’d stick to a family gathering friends come and go anyway, her family love her and will be celebrating her 16th the way it should be

This was me - had friends but was peripheral to a few groups rather than in the inner circle. I went up to London with my family as a bday thing so I would suggest something like that. Depends what her interests are - theatre, comedy gig, spa day, Harry Potter world?

If its of any reassurance I made a good group of friends in 6th form that I'm still in touch with, so did then have parties for 17th and 18th birthdays and by the time I was in uni was throwing big house parties inviting hundreds of people (think that was more to do with people abusing the facebook group function and uni students going anywhere for free drinks rather than being amazingly popular though!)

@Snoken I can't actually remember when she was last invited to a party, so no.

I was thinking that and I did put that to her as an option, but got the usual shoulder shrug.

Hmm I think show and dinner in London, then night in a hotel or maybe mini/city break would be a really good idea. I know she really wants to go back to Paris, but that is going to be soooo expensive, especially given Christmas has just gone. Same issue every year obviously 😂 but this year's a big one. I'll do some research and see if it's at all doable!

Defo abroad - somewhere undeniably cool like Shopping in Paris if you can afford it so you can take loads of photos etc and she has something to talk about. Might help her shake things up overall and help with that all important ‘world is a big place with lots of possibilities’ perspective. Hope you have a great time whatever you both do.

Paris sounds amazing!

Definitely family party, although I would check whether she wanted something that big even. At 16, I was your dd, I wasn’t unhappy, I just hadn’t made great connections and would be at home not seeing anyone every weekend. I’m a bit of an introvert so
this wasn’t as bad as it sounds. Fast forward a couple of years and I had met a new group, I guess of what could be considered nerds and misfits, but very accepting of difference and suddenly I had loads of friends. 20+ years later and we are still friends. What I’m trying to say, is that what is happening now is not necessarily a sign of how it will always be. Things change all the time and school is just a small pond, your dd will find her people.

I really wouldn’t put too much emphasis on having a party. That would have been an absolute nightmare to me as a 16 year old who didn’t have many friends. You could put lots of stress on her. I would talk to her and follow her lead. Don’t insist on any kind of a party or celebration if that isn’t what she wants - it really isn’t obligatory.

With her 16th birthday in January, I'm desperate to throw her a special party, but I'm really at a loss as to what to do. I've asked what she'd like to do, who she'd like to invite, but rather than getting excited, her head goes down and she just shrugs and says x and z probably won't want to come anyway

Start by stop trying to make out it is a "thing" that people have big parties with friends for their 16th birthdays - and thereby making it really apparent to her that she can't have what you think "is expected" due to her lack of friends, when it isn't even a 'thing' to have a big 'do' for your 16th.

Just ask her near the time if she wants to go for a meal or something, and who with.

Is the party for you or for her?
It’s making her uncomfortable so don’t ask again. Just tell her you love her and don’t make her feel weird because she’s going through a difficult friendship stage. Much as you want to help, the best way is to make her feel loved and “enough” with or without friends.

Honestly please don’t worry about her. I had a group of friends until I was 16 who all ditched me when I got better GCSE results than they did. I found my forever friends at uni and then in my adult life. I’m in my 30s now and have great friends. Teenage girls can be spiteful. She will be absolutely fine.
Have a lovely family day for her. Depending on what she likes and your budget, a show, dinner, spa day…sky’s the limit!

Agree with Tokyo

Don't mention them at all.

Do something special with her.

Something as wonderful as you can.

City break?

Really special restaurant somewhere?. somewhere exceptional?
Something to really give her something great to focus on?
Experience...sky Dive, helicopter..

Dinner and show sounds very promising.

Also stop focusing on her birthday being a “big” one.
Mark it quietly by giving her a nice piece of jewellery if you like but stop with the big fuss for a child who is making it clear they’re not enjoying it.

My DD is 15 and I cannot imagine she should want a party. She has friends at school but they are just not that social a bunch.

They chat at school and have the occasional school holiday outing but other than that she just hangs does stuff with family.

I had exactly the same thing on DD's 16 and 18 bday. We did family stuff. I told her if she wanted to do something with 'friends' then I was happy to arrange / pay but I only made it special with family. Meal out, special breakfast, calls with grandparents etc etc.

It killed me to see all the other kids having full on parties and stuff but DD has always struggled with making social friendships.

I wouldn't force the issue. I've never been one to have lots of friends and therefore I hated the idea of a hen party, 40th birthday etc. I think it's just assumed that this is what happens regardless if people actually want it. Give me an Indian with my family any day

Do a family thing. Big family get together. Do you have any friends of the family with teens a similar age? Or cousins she gets on well with? Then I'd do a special night out at the theatre for her. If she does make a few close friends by then you can sort out a small pizza party for them or similar. If not, no need to mention it.

I feel for you and her. It is heartbreaking. DS2 was very similar at school. But he's made friends at uni and is fine now.

Omg I had this issue 4 years ago what I did was arranged a family party but spoke to someone I knew was in a few of her classes I said I need a bit of help I'm doing a surprise party but not to sure of her friends could u help the girl was more excited then me she told me she will get phone numbers and how many friends was allowed I said because its family aswel I can't have to many she gave me 8 phone numbers I tex them with details asking if they will attend also they could invite their bf or gf along as its a Saturday nite she had a blast 6 from school can with plus 1 that made 12 in total amazing night she had xx