Planning my DDs 16th birthday when they don't have many friends. Advice Please.

[NCer1001]

Hi,

So a bit of background, my dd has always struggled socially and didn't start making friends until year 7. We were absolutely thrilled when she started to find her 'people' within a few weeks of starting secondary.

Anyway, fast forward to year 11 and most of the group have moved on. It's really dented her confidence, as she feels as though it's her and that she's just not good enough or likeable ☹️ It's been a very long journey to get to this point. Lots of ups and downs and it honestly breaks my heart a little that after all that she might be leaving this school without any friends at all.

With her 16th birthday in January, I'm desperate to throw her a special party, but I'm really at a loss as to what to do. I've asked what she'd like to do, who she'd like to invite, but rather than getting excited, her head goes down and she just shrugs and says x and z probably won't want to come anyway 😕 She does have a couple of 'sort of' friends, but she doesn't really socialise with them outside of school. I know this isn't healthy, but I can't manufacture friendships for her. All I can do is help her as much as I can with her social skills and self confidence/worth.

Back to the original dilemma though, what should I do for her birthday? Stick to a big family get together at her favourite restaurant and just make it really special or risk her asking her friends and her being let down and incredibly upset on her birthday?

I really don't know what to do. I just want her to have the birthday she deserves without it being tainted by possible rejections/no shows.

Any advice would be really appreciated.

Thank you

I wouldn’t invite friends- having none there is better than having none there when people were invited. Family dinner? Take her for a show? Night away somewhere ?

Ask her what she wants to do?
Maybe a special day out with you somewhere or to see a show?

I would do a big family thing with lots of fuss that way she feels special (as she should on her birthday) but without any friend drama or risk of her being upset. Lots of people (me included) won't have big celebrations with lots of friends, even my brother who was super popular just had a family thing.

family thing.

Then if she wants to give her some money to go with her friends for dinner / boba / nails or whatever they're into.

I would have hated a big party for my 16th.

I think you need to listen between the lines what your daughter is telling you here. I would not force a big party on her as it seems like this would make her uncomfortable

Maybe the famy dinner you suggest and then gently question whether there is 1 or 2 friends in particular who would maybe like to go out with her - bowling cinema escape room vr experience etc and then for a meal - pizza maybe. The smaller group and activity may suit your daughter better- take her mind off being entertaining and give them all something to chat about after and a shared memory thus building more of a foundation for friendships.

If this doesn't suit her leave it. There is plenty of time for your daughter to find her people and party in future

I'd have a lovely family meal and maybe some kind of fun activity together - bowling, a show, escape room, whatever you think she'd like.

Separately I'd suggest inviting a small number of friends for a meal or activity on a different date. That way if it doesn't happen or doesn't work out as hoped for, it's not her main birthday celebration.

Neither of mine wanted parties on their 16th (or 18th for that matter), and both had friends. I'd stick to a family gathering done in style, or a weekend away with treats

Yes family thing or special thing for her eg weekend away if your budget stretches to that type of thing and she likes to travel. Or night in London and show?

I'd not have suggested a party at all. Just ask her what she would like to do. Maybe with a few nice suggestions thrown in and let her have a think.

Is she moving education setting after GCSEs?

I would take her abroad to a city she has some interest in and just have a wonderful time together. I wouldn't talk about a party at all as you are rubbing in the no friends thing. Around here 18th parties are the big thing so hopefully by then she may have some friends.

I would also agree .. plan a family thing with the budget you would have spent on friends .. for example - show and a meal if you're near one .. we did a special trip out with the vip service for food for her .

Thank you for all the replies so far.

@sevenbyseven I have actually suggested this. I suspect she's just not going to bother asking them though to protect her feelings.

My DD was 16 in 2020. We had a plan to go to Disneyland Paris end of June (while she was still 15) after her last GCSE exam. It didn't happen for obvious reasons.

This is obviously far more expensive than a party but thought I would put it out there.

(Although We have now planned it and are going s"next year)

Yes, it sounds as if ongoing suggestions of a party are not helpful - in your shoes I wouldn’t mention it again, and instead plan a night away - eg to London or even abroad. Then if she does want a party it’ll be up to her to raise it.

One of my DC has few school friends - prefers to hang out online with cousins! - so we're just doing a big family trip away with the money we'd have spent on a large party. We're getting VIP upgrades & such to make it a better experience for everyone!

We've actually done this for a few years running. The DC have had their choice between an overnight at a kid-friendly destination, or a party. They've chosen the overnight every year since reception!

Who wants the party? Does your Dd want a party or do you want her to gave one for her 16th?

If your dd doesn't want one don't keep insisting. It will highlight if she has very few friends. We are in a very similar situation and after my dd was invited to a 16th where about 40 girls turned up, the only thing my mother bloody harks on at her is "Ooh you better get planning yours, are you having a party, you'll have to get inviti g all your friends, everyone will want to know what you're doing" despite me pointing out she has barely any friends so she won't be having having a party as it wouldn't happen, dors my mum take any notice? No? Leaving dd very politely mumbling away to avoid stating the obvious

I would not place any focus at all on a friends do, to take the pressure off her, and then make a big fuss about doing a lovely family do instead.

My DDs have a small circle of close friends and could possibly stretch to a party but we have always had small family events instead. Last year I took my 14yo DD into London to watch a show and go for dinner, and she loved it.

If you book a show like &Juliet or Six, they are quite empowering for teenaged girls.

I think you should remove her friends from the equation altogether.

To clarify, I don't keep mentioning it, only once or twice and made it clear it's entirely up to her. Saying that, I suppose even that may have been too much if she's feeling particularly delicate about it.

@JanePrentiss I've always hated organising kids parties and teen ones would be no exception 😂 Fills me with horror in all honesty, but I kind of assumed that deep down that's what she'd want.

Honestly, these replies have really helped me de fog and look at it more positively.

I think my dd would like to see The Book of Mormon again and have a nice meal, that's one plan I have. Or day out of her choice but to be honest she loves going for long drives in remote areas and eating mcdonald's fries so who knows!

I'd either do a family get together at her favourite restaurant, or go away for a short break if this is something she might like. It depends what she wants really, if she likes cities and theatres then a trip to London would be good. Or somewhere like Center Parcs with lots of activities?
Things could have changed with the friend situation by then, if so, she can have two separate celebrations but it sounds like smaller would be better - maybe she could go to an escape room and then pizza at home or something.

I'm desperate to throw her a special party
rather than getting excited, her head goes down and she just shrugs

this is really sad but it looks from the outside like you want to make a fuss but that she doesn't really have the social life for a fuss and talking about it is bringing that home for her.

Can you do a really special family event - love the Disneyland suggestion by PP, or weekend away in UK, or night in London+a show, or tickets to a gig - if giving tickets you could give 2 and frame it as "I/your brother/your dad/whoever would love to come to this but if you'd like to invite a friend instead that's great too" and that way she might be able to do something with a friend but there's no pressure.

Looks like "big" in the sense of special/unusual will work better for you/DD this time than big in the sense of lots of people.

Hopefully as she gets older/if she goes to uni she'll find her tribe.

A nicely planned surprise meal with family would give her something to talk about in school!

Knowing she doesn’t have any friends it was a bit cruel to ask her who she would like to invite.

Why not take her to a show and have a nice evening out. Or a weekend away somewhere - Eurostar to Paris or similar if you have the funds.

Whatever you do, don’t put her in a position where she has to invite any friends because if none or only 1 or 2 come it will be awful for her.

Can you afford a city break away just you and her?

@OperaStation I think it's cruel to call me cruel tbh. I said she didn't have many friends and yes, the dilemma is that they'll maybe not want to come, that's why I was looking for advice on the situation. She had a lovely 12th birthday party with lots of friends and I think she always wanted similar for her 16th. Things just seem to have changed recently. I'm not cruel for asking her what kind of birthday she would like.

@GiggleWhale I think that could be really nice, hormones permitting 😬