Urgent: Explaining death to a child

[StarWish111]

In bits right now and in need of advice. Just had a dreaded phonecall.
My DD best friend has been involved in an accident and she has sadly died this evening. DD and friend are both 8, usually inseparable at school and dance. Tea at each other homes etc.
Never had this experience before, only had to explain pets dying and she's taken that very badly in the past. She is meant to be at dance tmrw afternoon with her friend and to kfc afterwards , obviously need to tell her but how?

my heart is breaking right now. Their poor family

advice much appreciated x

How tragic I'm so sorry to hear this.
Received wisdom is to be clear and honest

www.childbereavementuk.org/telling-a-child-that-someone-has-died

This is awful OP, the poor family

My suggestion is to wait until tomorrow before saying anything, to give yourself time to reflect on the right words

Oh goodness I'm so so sorry. I have no advice but I wanted to say we are here to hold your hand. Just awful

Can you tell her in the morning, rather than right now? So she has the day to discuss it with you and let the news settle a little bit, rather than going straight to bed to obsess over it in the dark?

Just from a bad experience when I was around her age.

Also I'm so sorry x

I’m so sorry, what an awful thing to happen.

First of all, don’t panic. You don’t have to have all the words sorted. You and DD can feel your way through this one step at a time. There’s nothing urgent. You might be feeling some shock/freeze or flight/fight response which is normal, but you’re safe and will figure this out bit by bit. It’s okay to say things like ‘I don’t know’ or ‘’I don’t have the right words right now’.

Theres lots of advice online - see the Winston’s Wish website.

The main thing at first is just to be honest about the facts, in simple words. Use the word ‘died’ - don’t use ‘gone to sleep’ or ‘passed away’ as children can get confused about those concepts and muddle it up with actual sleep.

that is so sad. Your poor daughter and the family. The Child bereavement charity, mentioned above, is a good place to start. I think being clear and supportive are very important for children

So sorry for your and your DD loss, it’s the worst having to break your child, follow what Winstons Wish say they are the experts at this.

Agree with leave it till the morning, she doesn't need to go to bed straight after that.
Simple facts, clear, no detail. Expect any reactions - it may be immediate tears or it may be shut down, refusal to accept or calmness.
What sad news, those poor parents

No advice here but I'm so sorry, how utterly tragic 😔😔

www.winstonswish.org/telling-a-child-someone-has-died/

My God I am so utterly utterly sorry, all I can say is just be there for her, and resist the urge to try and make things better or minimise anything.

Also hoping you can wait until the morning if you can’t let her sleep with you, it may be a long night.

Luckily she is already in bed so don't want to wake her, just can't get my head around this at all. Just hours since they were bouncing about together and don't even have answers myself really it's so raw and not much details yet which is to be expected. Devastated beyond words.
Thank you so much for kind words and pointers for websites to explain it all. Means so much right now, feel like I can't breathe. X

I'm so so sorry to hear this. When I had to explain to my 5 year old that his little sister had died I stuck to the truth, i kept it simple with no fluffiness and I didn't talk too much. He processed some and then came and asked a question, I answered and then we left it while he went away and processed that piece of information.
Imo your best to say that friend was involved in an accident, she got some very very bad injuries and the Dr's tried very hard to fix them but they couldnt and she has died. Let her process that, let her see you cry, let her know it's OK to be sad or angry.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I had a very similar situation during covid (not covid related) with my DD's best friend.
It's all a bit of a blur on how I did it in the end. But I remember telling her I had some really sad and hard news. And then explained all I knew about the situation and what I could to help her. For a little while her friend was in hospital - but from everything being said we knew she wasn't going to survive. I guess that provided a little cushioning, looking back.

I was as honest as i could be. I supported her feelings and over time we got a few books on death and just spoke about it. She did end up having support from a bereavement charity that school sorted for her - so keep that in mind if needed. I'd imagine school will also offer any help and support, make sure you let them know if your dd needs it.

Remember you're allowed to feel all the emotions too. It's tough on you as well. And actually I think it's important children see adults emotions too.

We made a couple of memory boxes and a few little sand jars and each layer of sand was for a happy memory. It was all consuming for a while but it does get easier.

Sending love and hugs to you both.

I'm so sorry OP. How utterly tragic.

Here's another link www.childhoodbereavement.ie/families/children-and-grief/

I agree with waiting till tomorrow.

A good analogy I heard was it's like jumping in puddles with regards to children & grief.

They'll often ask a few questions then apparently move on quickly, before 'jumping' back into it at another stage, often in an unrelated way.

Routine & getting back to normal is helpful, but also giving plenty of time for them to ask questions.

It's ok to let them know you are sad too.

Finally, children might often worry something like that could happen them too, so often being really clear about the facts of what happened, avoiding euphemisms, can help.

Take care of yourself tonight 💐

Forgot to add that I do agree with the above, there is no need to go into detail, its too much information and not necessary for a child.

Simple straight forward language.

'DD, yesterday there was an accident and your friend was very badly hurt. The doctors did everything they could to try to fix her, but she was too hurt and she died.'

Then answer any questions she has using similarly straight forward language.

When I was 21 I had to tell my 5 yr old brother that our mum had died and used language like this and he was able to understand and process what had happened.

She may not react immediately and her reaction may not be the same as you would expect from an adult because her frame of reference and understanding of death is different so just be prepared to take her lead.

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I'm very sorry @FatAgainItsLettuceTime & @Phillipa12 and others here who have had tragic & untimely bereavements 💔

Good lord that is terrible. May I ask what happened? If it is too raw you don’t have to say, of course

Matter of fact is the way forward and I’d echo PP in that any reaction may occur. At 8 she may understand the permanency of this, I’d avoid any euphemisms such as ‘gone to sleep’ or ‘became very poorly’ to reduce creating fear around bedtime or common illness. What a horrid situation to be in, sending hugs to you and your DD and the family.

That’s so difficult op. I’m so sorry this has happened. All you can do is be there for her, and answer any of her questions as honestly as you can. Life can be so cruel 💐

I'm so sorry OP.
Also on Monday let the school know also and they'll be able to provide help for her too maybe ELSA sessions to help with feelings and things she may be feeling. What an awful thing to happen

You may also find that tomorrow and Sunday she is OK but Monday is harder because she associates her friend with school, so it could be a rollercoaster few days.

How very sad. I echo everything others have said. Avoid euphemisms. Be prepared for questions like “Could I die too?” Not quite the same but I had to tell my 4 year old about a late pregnancy loss and that was what he was most worried about, if the baby had died, could he die too. It’s important to be truthful but reassuring so I said everyone dies and sadly some people do die when they are young or not even born yet but luckily most people don’t die until they are very old.

I’m so sorry, what a horrific shock for you all. You’ve had such good advice above, but I’d also add to let them know it’s still ok to feel normal and happy as well. As a PP eloquently described, it’s like puddles, and it’s not “wrong” of them to forget about it too and be totally normal as well.