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Original poster

Urgent: Explaining death to a child

41 replies

StarWish111 · 07/10/2022 20:12

In bits right now and in need of advice. Just had a dreaded phonecall.
My DD best friend has been involved in an accident and she has sadly died this evening. DD and friend are both 8, usually inseparable at school and dance. Tea at each other homes etc.
Never had this experience before, only had to explain pets dying and she's taken that very badly in the past. She is meant to be at dance tmrw afternoon with her friend and to kfc afterwards , obviously need to tell her but how?

my heart is breaking right now. Their poor family

advice much appreciated x

OP posts:

PAFMO · 07/10/2022 20:39

The school on Monday will presumably have something organised to help all the children.
In the meantime, as others have said, very factual. @FatAgainItsLettuceTime 's suggestion is perfect.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 07/10/2022 20:52

I'm so sorry to hear about the wee girl, for her & her family xx

Had to deal with telling my Nephew his best friend had died (he was staying with us as his parents were away). His friend had hung himself 💔. Lovely kid, lovely family, no known bother at school/football/etc. Quite possibly practising/trying out a scene for a film, they were always making films, or just messing about. We'll never know. Totally changed my nephew. They were just 11.

Had to tell 4yo my Dad had died.

I agree to be as honest as you can be. Use 'died' none of the gone away/sleeping things. Do whatever you think would help DD, no matter how out there (as long as it won't upset the family). Maybe get an album printed of all the photos you have of them.

it's so wrong! & so hard.

look after yourself too 😘

winterchills · 07/10/2022 20:56

Absolutely heartbreaking 🥺🥺

NoNameIdeas · 07/10/2022 21:01

I'm so sorry.

I am a teacher and was teaching a year 4 class when one of the children in the class was sadly killed in an accident after school one day. We used winstons wish, as previously suggested, and made sure we allowed the children to ask questions as they needed. We gave them time to respond however they needed to and allowed them to see we were upset too. We didn't hide anything and we cried together. We then introduced as much normality back in to the days as we could, whilst still remembering their friend. The child's parents were beyond amazing and still have such strong bonds with their child's friends, even after 15 years. All of the children who wanted to attended their friends funeral and, although it was hands down the hardest day of my teaching career, I've never been so proud of a group of children. Their kindness, bravery and love for one another that day will never leave me.

It may have changed but I found it hard to buy published books which dealt with a similar theme, there were lots of books based on grandparents/pets dying but they weren't as helpful. There were more online resources though.

Will be thinking of you and your dd, sending love and prayers to her friends family too. Look after yourself.

YoSofi · 07/10/2022 21:01

I am so, so sorry. How utterly tragic.

No advice but my thoughts are with you, your daughter and her friends poor family tonight x

Pompom2367 · 07/10/2022 21:39

Im so sorry op I would honestly tell her what you know then give her time to process and answer her questions

Bottomofthepileasusual · 07/10/2022 21:57

Oh no this is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.

I had to tell my DD when she was 4 her nana had died. It really upset me but she wasn't close to her and she'd been ill a long time. Trying to mentally prepare to tell her my DF has died because it won't be long. They're so close it will break her little heart. She's older now and will understand it.
Some good advice on here.
Lots of love to you. My heart breaks for you and your DD x

VikingLady · 07/10/2022 22:07

So sorry for your loss too. Lots of hugs tomorrow x

Bunnycat101 · 07/10/2022 22:55

What a horrible thing to have happened- her parents must be beyond pain.

I was going to say be prepared for a cold, non-emotional reaction and odd questions as much as a tearful one.I remember being quite shocked my niece was very matter of fact when I told her about a death and asked a lot of questions around a similar age. Things like ‘where is she now?’, ‘can she see?’ ‘is she in a box?’ etc. The sorts of things an adult would never ask. It wasn’t until a bit later when she’d had time to process that she was visibly upset.

I found the lack of emotion at first quite disconcerting. I’ve since found my own children have been quite similar in how they’ve processed relative’s deaths- lots of questions with emotion hitting later and sometimes unpredictably.

Minfilia · 07/10/2022 23:07

I’m sorry, what a horrible shock.

Just to add to previous advice that the Child Bereavement UK helpline gave us a lot of support after DD lost someone close at 10. If you’re worried about your DD, give them a call, they are brilliant.

2under2howscary · 08/10/2022 12:09

How awful. I'm so sorry for yours and the family's loss xx

Original poster

StarWish111 · 08/10/2022 19:33

Thank you each and every one of you for all the support, advice and caring comments.

DD is understandably distraught, lots of tears and questions and will be a lengthy grieving process but she's doing okay.

OP posts:

Libre55 · 08/10/2022 20:01

I had a school friend die from meningitis nearly 50 years ago.I remember the dinner ladies telling us that Sally had gone to heaven and what a lovely place it was, always sunny, full of ponies, puppies, skipping games etc.My mum told me years later that they made it sound so nice, some of the kids were saying they wanted to go too!
wishing you , your daughter and her friends family lots of love. It’s sad she had to learn the reality of death so young.

in time, is there somewhere you can plant a tree for her friend? A lot of councils let you do it in parkland. You could call it ‘Hannah’s Tree (named for her friend obviously) and you can always walk past it and remember her, and your daughter can go and sit near and chat to her friend.

x2boys · 08/10/2022 20:06

This is awful the death of a child is so tragic
Not the same but my son was 8 when his auntie died suddenly ,the circumstances were quite distressing,he took it well at first but was very quiet and it took a few months for him to open up about it.

PeppermintyPatty · 08/10/2022 20:08

I was in my teens when I lost a friend. She had a freak accident whilst doing a (sometimes) dangerous/high adrenaline sport. It has left me with some anxiety over that particular sport (even 35 years later) so it might be a good idea to watch out for her being worried about any similar circumstances.

I also expect that she will now be considering your and her own mortality. Basically the impossible has happened, so why couldn’t it happen again?!

blusteryshowersaway · 08/10/2022 20:23

Just awful OP. I don’t have any advice or words. Just that I am sorry and sorry for your DD.

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