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Original poster

How to handle kid who doesn’t want to be seen with us

39 replies

Pufflings · 05/10/2022 17:41

My son is nearly 8. A lot of his year walk home alone - from what I can see it is the ones who live very close to the school or who only have to cross roads where there is a green man so safe to cross. We’re further away with one busy road to cross so I can’t let him walk alone to school and anyway I don’t really want him to plus I have to take his younger sibling anyway.

it’s become a really big thing. He’s mortified to be seen with us (and his ‘stupid little sister’) and walks to and from school not speaking and frowning if I try abs talk to him. He also hangs back 25 metres which is annoying as I have stop to let him catch up. Today we went to the pool after school and the same thing is happening, refused to be near me in the pool, frowns if I came near and hissed to stay away from him. Hardly fun.

it’s becoming quite worrying. I felt like saying after swimming that if he couldn’t bring himself to talk or be polite to me then I won’t do nice things for him. He comes out of school and storms off not wanting to walk with us or chat about his day. I just don’t know how to handle this - he’s incredibly argumentative about everything anyway and daily we have this bloody row going on about why he’s not allowed to walk alone to school (15 min walk so not close anyway).

OP posts:
Blackisthecolour · 05/10/2022 17:46

Wow, is this normal behaviour? My 10 year old DS still holds my hand out in public and DS 11 will still give me a kiss (if no-one's looking!)

VenusClapTrap · 05/10/2022 17:46

I felt like saying after swimming that if he couldn’t bring himself to talk or be polite to me then I won’t do nice things for him.

I would do exactly that. I would also find a quiet moment to have a proper chat with him about why he doesn’t want to be seen with you. 8 is very young for this attitude.

FivePotatoesHigh · 05/10/2022 17:47

Might the other kids be picking on him for not walking alone?

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8 year olds Families
Chloefairydust · 05/10/2022 17:47

This is strange… Is it possible he’s being bullied at school?

Blackisthecolour · 05/10/2022 17:47

Sorry, I realise my post wasn't helpful OP. I'd be gutted if my DSs were like this, I get that he wants to feel some independence but he doesn't need to be rude to you. Have you tried speaking to him about how his behaviour makes you feel?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 05/10/2022 17:51

Is it possible he’s being bullied at school?

I also wonder if someone is using this as a stick to poke him with, because it is totally normal for a 7 year old to walk home with a parent.

By all means make it very clear that he does not get to be rude to you, and must remain civil. But do also ask him why this is such a big issue, and if "everybody" is doing it, who exactly is "everybody".

Thegreenballoon · 05/10/2022 17:51

Nearly 8? It’s unheard of until last term of y5 at the absolute minimum at our school for a child to walk alone. I think I’d start with a chat and see if he’s being bullied or something, this sounds unusual at that age. But if he’s not and there’s nothing else underlying then I’d crack down on the rudeness - he doesn’t have to hold your hand but he can’t dawdle so far behind he’s holding you up, he can’t be nasty to his sister and he’s not coming swimming unless he can be pleasant company when he’s there. I’d respect his wishes about eg cuddles in public but he does have to actually be seen with you and that’s just that!

Original poster
Pufflings · 05/10/2022 17:52

I’ve tried talking to him but I don’t think he really cares. It is very upsetting. I don’t think he is being bullied or anything like that, it’s more him being hyper aware of others and what they think and wanting to be like them, perhaps not understanding that it’s fine for his classmates to walk home if they live 5 mins away on the same side of the street. But not for him. He is at a new school so I get the whole wanting to fit in but it’s so extreme. I wonder if he’s angry with us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pufflings · 05/10/2022 17:54

Re the walk g home alone it is odd but they really are doing it. It’s a small town. I wait outside his class and only about one third have a parent waiting to collect them. The others just head off. At his last school it was something only big kids in the final year did.

OP posts:
Chloefairydust · 05/10/2022 17:57

Would it be an idea for him to have a bike to travel to and from school on? Maybe if he’s vey sensible for his age, and knows not to talk to strangers he might get on well biking to and from school? (A bike might be safer than walking as it’s quicker and he’s less likely to talk to people).

Im not a parent so ignore me if this is a crazy idea lol but just wondered if maybe he’s ready for a bit of independence?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 05/10/2022 17:58

Ah, it sounds like he is anxious and insecure in a new school and taking it out on you because you (rightly) are not letting him do this thing that he believes would make him fit in. How is he doing socially? Have you checked with his teacher that he is being included etc?

Anyway I would crack right down on the rudeness, but my guess is it is coming from insecurity rather than assholeness.

bigbluebus · 05/10/2022 17:58

Sounds more like tweenage behaviour than a 7 year old.
He needs to understand why it's not safe for him to be that independent yet and then have consequences dished out if he continues with his attitude. He's 7 not 17.

FictionalCharacter · 05/10/2022 17:58

He needs to understand and accept that he does need to be seen with you, because you’re his mum! It’s perfectly reasonable for you to say he will get no outings or treats if he’s going to be rude like this. Then carry out the threat if he continues. He’ll get over it. He doesn’t realise yet how silly and babyish he looks doing this.
My DD went through a phase of dawdling way behind the rest of us. It was very annoying but it passed.

PickySlackTastic · 05/10/2022 17:59

It’s important to him. Do you think you could find a way to make it work? He want to be independent - he will be angry because he feels like you don’t trust him, or perceive him to be babyish.

Is it that one road? Is there a compromise to be had? A way of him taking a slightly longer route with a proper crossing?

2tired2bewitty · 05/10/2022 18:01

Why did he move schools? Have there been some changes at home that this might actually be an out working of?

Pickledcurlywurly · 05/10/2022 18:03

DC at our DC school can walk home without a parent from Year 3 if they have a sibling in year 5 and year 6. We are similar to OP, it's a small catchment area and most of the children live in close proximity to the school. So it's not unheard of.

We're starting to encourage our DC to walk some of the way alone. They are in year 3 and 5. I stand about 100m from the school gate and watch them walk in to class. Their mates don't see me and they walk in alone. But I'm still there IYSWIM. Could you do something similar with your DS?

As for being out with him outside of school, stop taking him if he's going to be horrible to you. And tell him why.

Original poster
Pufflings · 05/10/2022 18:04

This is all really good advice/valid points. I really can’t let him walk alone, there is one road with no crossing and cars come along quite fast. He’s also not v sensible and on times when I’ve tested him to see if he can do it he has a quick glance each way and then bolts across. I also read kids are not very good at judging velocity/speed of an oncoming vehicle.

it’s sounds like we need to handle with a mix of gently gently /kid gloves in case it is anxiety about fitting in but also be firm about the rudeness at the pool and refusing to talk to me on the way home/lagging behind.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pufflings · 05/10/2022 18:05

@2tired2bewitty yes we moved for work/left a big city for a better life. I think some of this must be coming from anger about the move but he has settled in quickly. Already had a play date or two etc.

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 05/10/2022 18:06

Could you compromise?

Tell him that currently his rude behaviour is not showing you he's mature enough to walk alone as he's sulking when he doesn't get his own way.

Say that if between now and half term he can walk nicely and maturely after half term when he catches up with friends at the safe road bit he can walk with them.

And then make an arrangement after school whereby you and dd meet him at a certain point.

I'd also say exactly that re swimming etc.

If he can see an end game to independence and what he has to do to earn it it gives him a reason to change his behaviour for the better.

User57713 · 05/10/2022 18:11

I would find a compromise. Maybe if he's just settled into a new school he's finding his day quite full on, even if he's happy enough. Maybe he doesn't want to immediately start talking about it on the way home. Could you let him walk ahead but he has to wait for you at the road? Then he could walk ahead again?

My kids are at a school where walking home alone starts early. Ds has been walking home alone since age 8 so I don't find it all that unusual for yours to be wanting some independence. Early, but not massively unusual.

ScarlettOHaraHamiltonKennedyButler · 05/10/2022 18:14

My 9 year old is a little like this although not quite to the extent that you describe. He could walk alone fine in terms of roads but I don't let him because a) I don't want him to and b) I am there dropping off/picking up his sister anyway so just makes sense for him to come with us.

We have a compromise that in the morning there is a certain point where he can run ahead on his own (I can still see him all the way to the school gate) and on the way home he can walk a little ahead with one of his friends (who also has a parent who has been ditched and is walking behind).

Maybe you could reach some sort of compromise?

Pinkittens · 05/10/2022 18:24

Is he this independent in other ways? If he is very independent generally then maybe it's just his personality, but 7 is so young to be concerned about what others think of a perfectly normal thing like walking home with a parent and sibling. My youngest is 9 and he still holds my hand on the school run as do lots of his classmates with their parents, but then the school culture is one that promotes acceptance in many different forms, so it wouldn't really cross the other kids' minds to make fun of something like this, and if they did they'd be reminded of kindness, acceptance, diversity etc... Also in our school they can only walk home alone from Year 5 (9-10).

latetothefisting · 05/10/2022 19:02

I'd reach a compromise in that he can walk ahead of you by about ten metres or something, so you can keep an eye on him, rather than him walking behind, but has to wait for you to cross the road, even if he doesn't speak to you. To be honest I'd threaten that if he's rude or goes too far ahead I'd embarrass him by calling him nicknames/terms of endearment, but then I'm mean!

Agree stop things such as swimming as it seems neither of you are enjoying it at the moment. If he's only recently moved schools he's probably still worried about fitting in - hopefully over the next month or two he might see kids at his school in the shops with their parents, at other kids parties etc. and realise that interacting with your family is normal and not something he's going to be bullied for!

Softplayhooray · 05/10/2022 19:27

Pufflings · 05/10/2022 18:05

@2tired2bewitty yes we moved for work/left a big city for a better life. I think some of this must be coming from anger about the move but he has settled in quickly. Already had a play date or two etc.

What about walking to school with him but he has a scooter to go on? I think social awareness has hit him hard at this age plus it's the need to fit in being a new kids, etc. I think it will settle down.

TheNoodlesIncident · 05/10/2022 19:43

I would escort him so far on the walk to school so he's accompanied crossing the road etc, but allowed to walk the rest of the way himself, procedure in reverse for the way home. In return for the compromise, he has to treat you with courtesy and respect in your company, including at swimming. I'm amazed that he's acting like that when there aren't any other kids from school to see him being with - gasp! - a parent.

Hopefully it's just a phase and he'll come through it (before it kicks in again at teenage time).