How to handle kid who doesn’t want to be seen with us

[Pufflings]

My son is nearly 8. A lot of his year walk home alone - from what I can see it is the ones who live very close to the school or who only have to cross roads where there is a green man so safe to cross. We’re further away with one busy road to cross so I can’t let him walk alone to school and anyway I don’t really want him to plus I have to take his younger sibling anyway.

it’s become a really big thing. He’s mortified to be seen with us (and his ‘stupid little sister’) and walks to and from school not speaking and frowning if I try abs talk to him. He also hangs back 25 metres which is annoying as I have stop to let him catch up. Today we went to the pool after school and the same thing is happening, refused to be near me in the pool, frowns if I came near and hissed to stay away from him. Hardly fun.

it’s becoming quite worrying. I felt like saying after swimming that if he couldn’t bring himself to talk or be polite to me then I won’t do nice things for him. He comes out of school and storms off not wanting to walk with us or chat about his day. I just don’t know how to handle this - he’s incredibly argumentative about everything anyway and daily we have this bloody row going on about why he’s not allowed to walk alone to school (15 min walk so not close anyway).

All really sensible advice thank you. We had a chat and a cuddle at bedtime, he promises there is no bullying or people making fun because they don’t walk alone. He has some very quirky traits and this seems to be one of the things that is expressing itself at the moment. I think we’ll try and make some kind of compromise where he can go ahead once we reach only safe roads with green men crossings. In return he has to be pleasant on the walk there. On the way home I don’t expect him to be chat central but he’s been coming out with a huge scowl when he sees me, and storming off across the playground and refusing to even say hello. Bloody rude!

OP, he has had to make a huge move, and he won't appreciate the fact that you've done it so you can all have "a better life". He will just see everything as new and strange and not what he wanted/something in which he (rightly) had no say. I suspect that is behind a lot of this behaviour. I suspect it will settle down once he makes a couple of friends and gets used to everything, but you have to keep being kind but firm meanwhile. Once you have all settled a bit more, and you've all got to know more people and have more idea where they live, you might find that lots of parents and children walk together, including from different year groups. It can't be the case that all the children in the school live within a safe five-minute walk, although it will seem to your son that this is the case at the moment...

Can you meet him at the busy part?
cross the road with him and then the rest of the way walk in front or behind you a few meters? Or even by himself if you think he’d be safe other than this road

on the way to school could you agree to walk together to the busy road, then cross with him and let him go off with his friends?

does he have his own space and independence in any area? Could you work on this otherwise if it’s something he’s reaching for, like teaching him to make some easy snacks or meals or something else that makes him feel grown up.

I wouldn’t accept the being rude but i imagine if you talk about it and punish the rudeness rather than the seeking of his own space it’ll be easier for him to understand.

This is very interesting to me. I have 5 sons and at 8 they were still pretty locked into Mama. The may have even still held my hand at that age. About 11-12 is when we ran into the embarrassment of being seen with the parents.

Have you tried explaining to him how it makes you feel when he comes out scowling at you and refusing to say hello? I wouldn't lay it on thick, and definitely avoid anything that could be construed as guilt-tripping, but he's not too young to be taught a bit of empathy and that how we behave affects others around us. Say you are happy to see him at the end of the school day, and it makes you sad when he looks unhappy to see you and stomps off without saying hello. I'd say that basic manners are saying hello and not scowling, even if he doesn't want to chat on the way home. It could be easy to slip into accepting a lack of respect for fear of upsetting or annoying him but it would surely be easier to tweak this back into a place of respect (whilst still respecting his independence/boundaries) at his age now than when he's 10, 12, 14 etc.

That was my first thought too. My nine year old still gives me a cuddle and a kiss when he walks into school! I'd be gutted if he behaved like this.

Is there any bit he can walk by himself? DS has always wanted a bit of adventure and sometimes on a walk from that sort of age I would let him go the long way if we were taking a shorter cut eg run round the corner when we were going through the jitty. He loved that (even though I would have my heart in my mouth until I saw him appear!). DD is 8 however and doesn’t want to do that but prefers to hold my hand every second she possibly can.

What quirky traits, OP?

I’m interested as my DS has refused to hold my hand since he was 5! I suspect he’s ND.

I would offer to compromise by letting him walk a little in front but wait at the crossing, on the condition he is polite, greets you politely, and not bad tempered. I would also point out that a continued presence of present behaviour will result in you singing, dancing as you walk home, he wants to make a show, you will give him one. 😉
I would not brook any rude behaviour. Privilege is earned.

My 3rds liked to walk way in front of us to school and back since he was about 8/9 he's always liked the independence, but he waited for us to cross the road . He isn't embarrassed to walk with us though and has only ever done it on the school run.

My first 2 were never like it and my 4th who's almost 10 still walks with me. I don't think it's normal to be avoiding you at the pool etc

And this !

A new school is tiring. Honestly, he will be expending so much energy being there.

Then that last ten minutes of the day, bags, coats etc. The kids who walk by themselves will probably be allowed to make a line at the door first. Maybe a group of kids he plays with are in that line, maybe the kid he sits next to, or one he wants to be friends with.

And he’s tired and it’s the end of the day and he’s focussing all of this on you, cause you’re his mum.

A pp above said this:

Have you tried explaining to him how it makes you feel when he comes out scowling at you and refusing to say hello? I wouldn't lay it on thick, and definitely avoid anything that could be construed as guilt-tripping, but he's not too young to be taught a bit of empathy and that how we behave affects others around us. Say you are happy to see him at the end of the school day, and it makes you sad when he looks unhappy to see you and stomps off without saying hello.

I just couldn’t disagree more. You’re the adult - don’t escalate - don’t make this about you. I think getting along in a family often means letting other people have their bad moods. You can’t fix or change it, but you can be there when it passes.

Let him walk in ahead once the busy road has been crossed. Nothing wrong in him wanting some independence.

My 8yo is like that. He has been since he was five. Why not take him so far then let him go with his friends? If his friends have all gained that bit more independence and he’s still “with mummy” (which is what they’re probably saying to him) then he’s going to feel frustrated and angry. My 8 year olds missed the school bus a few times and had to walk a mile and a half to catch a service bus to get to school by himself this year because I couldn’t drive after my section. Go with the if he manages it then good in him but if he starts carrying on make him go with you again to teach him if he can’t do it properly then he’s not getting to do it at all.