Medical professional asking if you wished you had an abortion.

ContSalw · 04/10/2022 16:02

I haven't got any experience of this, but would advise a complaint via pals. This is an awful way to speak to your niece.

Has she joined support groups for parents with children who have complex needs? Maybe she could ask for advice on how to access services. And also contact charities for support.

Much love to her and her beautiful baby.

SalesMum · 04/10/2022 16:05

That's really sad

When I was 20 weeks pregnant I got some news about my DC and for the following weeks was given options to abort the pregnancy

I choose to continue with the pregnancy, its personal choice
However your question "how bad should babies health problems be" well I asked myself this question and based it on quality of life for dc

Yes I knew they would need some pretty major ops and hospital stays but on the balance of probably I had a test that showed baby didn't have genetic condition only this one- though pretty big- issue and I choose to continue

There were times when dc was a little baby where they asked were the options discussed with me during pregnancy- maybe it's more of a check?

I'm sorry she's going through this it must be so tough day to day

quietnightmare · 04/10/2022 16:06

No advice but what a strong loving mother she is and that little boy deserves all the love and care in the world.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 04/10/2022 16:08

I wonder if the doctor was asking if during pregnancy she has fully understood the situation her child would be in, not as a judgement but as part of supporting the whole family.

Pemba · 04/10/2022 16:11

That's an awful way for the doctor to talk to her now the baby's here. How cold and heartless. What purpose does it serve? Upsetting the mother like that.

I would get her to put in a complaint. It just seems unprofessional.

Sniffypete · 04/10/2022 16:12

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 04/10/2022 16:08

I wonder if the doctor was asking if during pregnancy she has fully understood the situation her child would be in, not as a judgement but as part of supporting the whole family.

Yes, I think maybe it was meant like this also.

I mean, doctors aren't always the most tactful of people, but it may not have been said with bad intentions. It could've just been the doctor asking if she was made aware whilst pregnant the extent to which the needs of the child would be.

Original poster

Cookiemonstersnana · 04/10/2022 16:14

As I wasn't in with the appointment I am only going on what niece is saying.
She does have contacts with local support charities.
As a family we think it's the stress which is taking a hammering
caring for GN and this is now projecting her thoughts.

OP posts:

BobinogBobbleHat · 04/10/2022 16:21

Sniffypete · 04/10/2022 16:12

Yes, I think maybe it was meant like this also.

I mean, doctors aren't always the most tactful of people, but it may not have been said with bad intentions. It could've just been the doctor asking if she was made aware whilst pregnant the extent to which the needs of the child would be.

Show quote history

But even so, how is that helpful?

He's here now, and he and his family deserve all the help and support available to them, regardless of whether they knew how the situation would be or not.

DS has disabilities we knew about before he was born. At my six week check, the GP said 'it was the right decision to keep him then?'.

I think she was trying to say how positive it was he was doing so well. But not helpful.

flapjackfairy · 04/10/2022 16:26

Well we live in a world that doesn't have much regard for or place much value in children with complex needs It is v sad .

Buzzinwithbez · 04/10/2022 16:38

I'm so sorry that she's feeling judgement rather than support.
I opted not to have scans I didn't feel I could make the sort of decision your niece was asked about.
I know the weight of judgement of parenting decisions, especially on mothers and I'm sorry this started even before your nephew's birth. Sending lots of love and I hope your niece and great nephew get the best team around them possible. They both sound like absolute superstars.

Redburnett · 04/10/2022 16:44

I think it was a reasonable question to ask especially if there is not a great deal the medical profession can do to treat or alleviate the condition.
I don't really understand why your niece is so upset given that she made an informed decision about the pregnancy, although the reality may be much harder than she anticipated.

KingCharlespen · 04/10/2022 16:48

flapjackfairy · 04/10/2022 16:26

Well we live in a world that doesn't have much regard for or place much value in children with complex needs It is v sad .

It's so sad, the value and diversity of life is so unappreciated.

TwoWeeksislong · 04/10/2022 16:59

That was not very professional of the dr to say that.
It’s not necessarily surprising that lots of medical professionals who see the impact of severe life limitations conditions would choose to abort in those circumstances and struggle to understand why women choose to go ahead with the pregnancy in these circumstances. But they shouldn’t be making that clear to the patients parents.
It sounds like your niece needs reassurance that the drs will continue to treat her son to the best of their abilities. There may need to be a conversation about the goals of treatment at some point though. - Quality of life vs quantity, palliative care vs treatment to extend life. She may need some support from different professionals to understand and accept this as she has naturally lost trust in her son’s current doctors after this recent conversation.

flapjackfairy · 04/10/2022 16:59

@Redburnett
Why is it a reasonable question ? Why is it anything other than rude to question someone's pregnancy choices? The right to abort for any and every reason is always touted on these boards so imagine if a doctor questioned someone for having an abortion in a way that implied they disapproved of it would that be acceptable ?
So why is it acceptable the other way around ?

Hempy · 04/10/2022 17:04

I agree with you Flapjackfairy

x2boys · 04/10/2022 17:19

BobinogBobbleHat · 04/10/2022 16:21

But even so, how is that helpful?

He's here now, and he and his family deserve all the help and support available to them, regardless of whether they knew how the situation would be or not.

DS has disabilities we knew about before he was born. At my six week check, the GP said 'it was the right decision to keep him then?'.

I think she was trying to say how positive it was he was doing so well. But not helpful.

Show quote history

Well exactly and if people are pro choice then it works both ways ,
I have a disabled child, we didntvl know about his disabilities before birth but it's irrelevant now he's our much loved son
The Dr was very tactless.

RandomMusings7 · 04/10/2022 17:32

It's something I would absolutely find myself thinking, but I'm not daft enough to say it outloud. Very unprofessional.

DayOfTheTentacle · 04/10/2022 18:27

I have had two TFMRs for life limiting conditions. I would absolutely put in a complaint about this doctor and his bedside manner if it was me. The comments are completely inappropriate.

MargaretThursday · 04/10/2022 18:47

My experience is that many people do assume that if you knew in advance that your child "isn't perfect" then you would abort.
We found out at the 20 week scan that dd is missing her hand. That's (even if it didn't feel so at the time) a pretty small disability. It also almost always is exactly that: missing a hand, no other issues. There are conditions that include missing a limb but they're rare and generally can be picked up on the scan.

I wasn't offered an abortion. I wouldn't have taken it anyway. However I know plenty of people who were offered, including a late term, for exactly the same. Obviously the people I know (because it's through the charity) chose not to. I am aware of at least one person who felt they were pressurised towards having an abortion, even after they had said they didn't want one.

Since dd was born I have been asked, on several occasions by people if I found out at the scan and if I was offered an abortion. More often than not it's phrased along the lines where it's clear that they are assuming that you would have had an abortion if you've known. It has been said in front of dd and when she is old enough to understand too.

x2boys · 04/10/2022 21:17

MargaretThursday · 04/10/2022 18:47

My experience is that many people do assume that if you knew in advance that your child "isn't perfect" then you would abort.
We found out at the 20 week scan that dd is missing her hand. That's (even if it didn't feel so at the time) a pretty small disability. It also almost always is exactly that: missing a hand, no other issues. There are conditions that include missing a limb but they're rare and generally can be picked up on the scan.

I wasn't offered an abortion. I wouldn't have taken it anyway. However I know plenty of people who were offered, including a late term, for exactly the same. Obviously the people I know (because it's through the charity) chose not to. I am aware of at least one person who felt they were pressurised towards having an abortion, even after they had said they didn't want one.

Since dd was born I have been asked, on several occasions by people if I found out at the scan and if I was offered an abortion. More often than not it's phrased along the lines where it's clear that they are assuming that you would have had an abortion if you've known. It has been said in front of dd and when she is old enough to understand too.

That's awful ,your poor daughter having to hear that
People need to understand pro choice works ways we need to support women to. make the right choice for them

Chanttotheprince · 04/10/2022 21:24

A child not having a hand is a million miles away from one that is blind, mute and unable to move around. Are they enjoying their life? It’s quality of life for the child most consider not aborting Willy Nilly because their baby ‘isn’t perfect’.

FirstFallopians · 04/10/2022 21:39

Depends on the reason they asked.

If it was so they could just satisfy their own curiosity as to why she didn’t abort, that’s appalling.

But they could also have been asking as part of a broader conversation to assess your niece’s understanding of nephew’s condition and prognosis.

All the best for your niece and great nephew- I hope they both have the right supports in place.

x2boys · 04/10/2022 21:44

Chanttotheprince · 04/10/2022 21:24

A child not having a hand is a million miles away from one that is blind, mute and unable to move around. Are they enjoying their life? It’s quality of life for the child most consider not aborting Willy Nilly because their baby ‘isn’t perfect’.

But that's pro choice isn't it ?
People on here would be horrified if we said women shouldn't be able to make the choice to terminate a pregnancy no matter how mild or significant a disability might be
By the same token we can't force women to terminate a pregnancy even if their child has complex life limiting disabilities, you either agree with pro choice or you don't.

Kennykenkencat · 04/10/2022 21:44

Cookiemonstersnana · 04/10/2022 15:57

I drove my niece and her son (18 months) to the hospital last week.
My great nephew has very complex health problems. Life limiting.
Doesn't talk, can't walk and has sight problems plus lots of other issues.
Niece came out very distraught after seeing a new doctor who she
says asked her as she was informed during her pregnancy about these
problems why didn't she abort.
Niece struggles to get help with her son from the professionals but now
feels as though she is in the wrong to not abort. (Religious reasons not to)

If you were informed would you have had an abortion. When is it right or wrong
what if the scans etc were wrong. How bad should the babies health problems be.

She is now very scared that this doctor will stop any help to begin the end
nearer. As a family we are trying to help her understand that this can't happen.
She is crying and very depressed. Niece has a GP appointment next week to
talk to someone who knows her and her son.

As a family we are trying to help her understand that this can't happen

Neither is asking someone whether they should have aborted.

That is disgusting and should be reported not only to remove this doctor from her case but also to use it as a reason she needs help for her Ds and to deny it will just be confirmation that others agree with this doctors disgusting attitude which is something that shouldn’t happen.

Kennykenkencat · 04/10/2022 21:46

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 04/10/2022 16:08

I wonder if the doctor was asking if during pregnancy she has fully understood the situation her child would be in, not as a judgement but as part of supporting the whole family.

Even so it shouldn’t have been asked

What is done is done and you can’t change the outcome.