My DD hates me and not sure I can take much more

[MondaymornibgMadness]

She is 11 years old and just started high school. This started towards the end of last school year. She is really nasty to me, calls me horrible names, throws things I get her back in my face and only talks to me when she wants something. It’s causing problems between myself and DH because he always sticks up for her and she always runs the to him. I could name lots of hurtful things she has done and said. If I could afford it, I would move out but unfortunately I cannot afford it. I don’t know what else to do. I’m walking on egg shells every morning and then same when she gets home from school

Not unusual unfortunately. Has she started her periods yet ?

DH and you need a united front for a start.

No she hasn’t started her periods yet.

Its making me really dislike DH for the way he is acting.

Yep, you and your DH need to agree on the rules before you can enforce anything.

I am not one for pandering at teenagers rudeness. I thought my son that being rude didn’t get him anywhere by refusing to do whatever he wanted me to do after a bout of rudeness or unhelpfulness, for example I asked him to be nice to me and he just ignored me, three days later he comes and asks for a lift, I just said do you remember when I asked you to… ? I’m going to say no to this.

I don’t pander to bad behaviour on the basis of hormonal changes for the simple reason that a very important part of raising a kid is to help them learn to have control over their emotions and, because they need to learn that their actions have consequences.

I'm sorry to hear this and it must be wearing. What kind of boundaries and discipline is happening when she is behaving like this? What has worked and what hasn't?
If my dd behaved like this there would be consequences - no phone for a start.

Does she have chores she is supposed to do? What are the consequences for her if she doesn't?

Does DH know how you are feeling?

Why are you allowing her to behave this way? You are choosing to be a doormat for a spoilt child. Periods, hormones, whatever - it’s excuses and does not make the behaviour acceptable.
united front. Clear rules. Reward positives to reinforce good behaviour, do nice things together - nails, face packs, cooking buns etc. Remove yourself every time she is rude or breaks the rule. Go out if necessary for a walk around the block.
If you don’t buy her things she can’t throw them at you. Anything thrown should be snapped in half and put in the bin regardless of cost and whether it was a birthday present. Gifts she gets to keep, weapons she doesn’t.
Avoid a cycle of negativity as it only gets worse. Build on positives but don’t tread on eggshells in your own home. That gives her a message about who is in charge at the very age she needs the security of firm, consistent, fair and loving parenting.

You need to go nuclear to show her that disrespectful behaviour is not acceptable. Your DH needs to be on board. Catch this now before the behaviour becomes entrenched.

the most recent consequence was taking her phone off her which escalated the whole situation; she spent all evening screaming, trying to find her phone, thrashing the house.

I’ve told DH and told him I or him will have to leave the family home if things don’t change.

Why does one of the parents have to leave the family home if things don't change? Why is that relevant? How about these are the punishments you will put in place and you will both stick to them if things so t change?

Because dh won’t stick to them

Could she have ADD?

it presents differently in girls and can trigger the behaviour you describe.
www.reuters.com/article/us-health-girls-adhd-idUSKCN11R2AE

also it’s worth examining your own behaviour/picking your battles. What are the rules you need to enforce and what is not worth risking your relationship for?

my mother tried to micromanage me as a teen and it caused a lot of unnecessary stress.

you and DH need to work as a team and agree baseline expectations - it sounds like you’re very different in terms of what you expect and that is causing resentment. What can you compromise on?

Your DH is the problem, he is a pathetic yes man. Tell him to be a proper parent and does he want the family to split up, then decide on a course of action that both parents adhere to.

I'd say it was unusual and unacceptable.

But is she the only person you want leave the family home OP? Is this actually about you and DH?

Obviously you need a United front. But you can stick up for your self.

Let her scream all she wants but don’t give the phone back until a week/month after she starts behaving and showing she’s old enough to cope with one. She gets to clear up any mess she’s made or her belongings go in a bin bag.

Then once calm, do something small but nice together. Show that unconditional and forgiving love but don’t tolerate spoilt brat behaviours.

Or the OP could be nit picking/controlling and creating unnecessary battlegrounds

we dont have enough info to ascertain that

What’s the trigger OP? I’m assuming she doesn’t behave like this elsewhere. Can you look at incidents & what happened before them. So for example, she screamed all evening (completely unacceptable) because you took the phone off her. What happened before that? Why was the phone removed? Next time she does something you don’t like think about what happened before.

None of this is to let her off the hook - but if you can identify triggers then you can start to put in place strategies that hopefully stop the behaviour (the aim here) without blowing the family apart - and teach her appropriate boundaries. You need some proactive strategies because reactive ones aren’t working.

I would tell her straight that if she cannot handle her phone being removed from her then she is simply not old enough to have one. Her over-reaction to the confiscation means she is unable to self regulate and so that leaves you with no choice. Continuing to ransack the house, scream etc is just how a toddler would react.

If she is able to behave at school and not scream in teacher's faces then she is choosing to behave like this at home. She also probably doesn't explode at her friends either as she would lose them all. So again, it is a choice. Stamp it out now. Point this out to her, also ask her why she thinks this is fair, a one way street of abuse? From her to you? Your husband doesn't speak to you this way so why does she think it is acceptable to do it to you? Ask her what would happen if she did that to a teacher? Don't answer for her, get her to think. Ask her what would happen if she did it to a friend or if a friend did it to her? In future if she had a job and exploded at her co-workers what would happen? This is no way to behave. She knows it but needs it pointing out because she could very well slip up and do this in school with dire consequences. I would explain that love is unconditional for children however you can truly dislike their behaviour.

Your Dh needs to wake up and see that if he keeps just giving in to her where this could lead. He probably hasn't considered school refusal, drinking alcohol, vaping or smoking or staying out until 3am aged 13 because potentially that could happen. We can't always make our children happy which is what he is trying to do. They need boundaries and rules to keep them safe. He thinks giving in is the easy choice so does it because the alternative is the explosion. But it is just teaching her that the explosion is an acceptable way to communicate and it isn't.

I would also talk to school and let them know exactly what is going on when your child is at home. It could be the influence of other friends she has made at her new secondary school.

So this has happened as she has started the move to High School - why. What triggers/causes this. How is she at school and have you tried to access any help for her.

This isnt normal behaviour and is unlikely just to have no cause so you and your DH need to be on the same page. Access some family counselling if you can or resources that give a clear action plan of how to work it

and try to get to the bottom of what is it

Thank you for all the replies.

example of things she does is she will text me, “why haven’t you tidied my room” she will explode if I move something of hers, like she puts all her shoes in the living room so if I move them to her bedroom she will have a meltdown. If I take her a drink in the morning she Will tell me to move it.

Remember that your child is telling you things through her awful behaviour. She’s unhappy. When she was small she would probably cry but this is her way of showing you an emotion that she needs your help with. I know it’s hard, but it’s when they are at their most awful that they need us the most.
Can you try to deescalate the situation - so when she comes in ranting, just say quietly “you seem really upset and angry, would you like to talk about it?” . Make some time for you and her to do something low key that you both enjoy and while you’re doing it, gently ask about high school - maybe she’s struggling with the transition, the work, friends etc. She needs to know that you’re a strong rock for her, however she behaves. You can also tell her that you find it hard and hurtful when she’s awful to you - I’m not saying be a doormat, but if you carry on fighting fire with fire, the teenage years are going to be a lot harder for both of you.
Good luck - I have a volatile 12 year old and I’m also quite hot tempered myself so I have had to try hard to take a breath, model the behaviour I want to see, be the grown up and show how we deal when things are difficult.

I’m sorry you are going through this op.

I was expecting your daughter to be sixteen and I think this is quite unusual behaviour for an eleven year old.

I would definitely talk to the school and get an assessment for asd or add. The meltdowns after school could be a reaction to masking all day.

Either way you need some support and you and your dh need to see a family psychotherapist to sort out his lack of boundary setting. He might be more inclined to take advice from a professional.

When mine is stroppy I’ll just remind him that I’m not a servant and kind of make a joke of it, lighten the mood a bit, like if he asked me to move a drink I’d probably say “certainly your Majesty, is here on the diamond coaster suitable?”, or if I didn’t think that would go down well, I’d probably just ask where they’d like the drink before I put it down. We gently mock and use humour a lot in our house but that doesn’t work for everyone.

Pick your battles.
Make sure he is well fed.
Has plenty to drink.
Lots of hugs.
Grow a thick skin.
Give opportunity to earn back her phone by the behaviour you want.
Find the thing that helps her self regulate. If it's her phone don't take that.
Adjust your reactions when she begins to be dysregulated and act immediately to help her regulate her emotions.

Grow a thick skin. You are the parent you need to do anything his for her.

Look up parenting neurodivrrse kids because evenif not this can be helpful when heir bain is rewiring.

I agree with @BlackeyedSusan and I’d add, make sure she has good sleep too, mine are ratty as fuck when they’re tired.

example of things she does is she will text me, “why haven’t you tidied my room” she will explode if I move something of hers, like she puts all her shoes in the living room so if I move them to her bedroom she will have a meltdown. If I take her a drink in the morning she Will tell me to move it

Disgusting behaviour.
Im glad some advice on here is in 'dont be a doormat fashion'. Nobody at all has the right to treat you like this. No excuse for it. That your 'D' H backs DD up is very telling.

I hope you can go away for a week or 2 of peace in nice surroundings, leave them to it see how they get on.

I bet she doesnt scream in her teachers or friends faces - because she knows very well she wouldn't get away with it.