My DD hates me and not sure I can take much more

[MondaymornibgMadness]

She is 11 years old and just started high school. This started towards the end of last school year. She is really nasty to me, calls me horrible names, throws things I get her back in my face and only talks to me when she wants something. It’s causing problems between myself and DH because he always sticks up for her and she always runs the to him. I could name lots of hurtful things she has done and said. If I could afford it, I would move out but unfortunately I cannot afford it. I don’t know what else to do. I’m walking on egg shells every morning and then same when she gets home from school

What was your relationship like before this?

Rather than focusing on the WHAT she is going. You need to get to the bottom of WHY

How is she socially/academically? Has she always struggled with not being in control as the examples to me say she is trying to assert control over what she can which in this instance is you. She may feel like anything is spiralling out of control so is holding on to what she can

She doesnt hate you - in fact I would say it is the opposite and she is comfortable in your love to do this.

example of things she does is she will text me, “why haven’t you tidied my room” she will explode if I move something of hers, like she puts all her shoes in the living room so if I move them to her bedroom she will have a meltdown. If I take her a drink in the morning she Will tell me to move it.

sounds like her last slave died and you’re the replacement

id let her know, she can clean her own room, get her own drinks and that you’ll not be doing her laundry if she doesn’t bring it downstairs etc few rules and very simple for her to remember

if your oh wants to pander to doing these things - not your problem, stay out of it

is there anything she does like doing with you?

When she is screaming try to look on her with compassion. How scary must it be to feel those big emotions and not be able to control them. It helps with keeping you cool and you to cope with the raging banshee.

I totally agree with you on this! Many therapists who work with teens including a division of the UN now agree that it’s better to praise the positives and work on building up a good relationship rather than focusing on punishment and “coming down hard” on teens. It can lead to them hating you and to the breakdown of the relationship as you aren’t likely to always be fair.

It’s absolutely hopeless if he is going to undermine you, you can kiss your marriage goodbye. It is terrible mostly for your child because she is crying out for boundaries and Dad is letting her down. Men are so fucking stupid.

When she is screaming try to look on her with compassion.

tbh I’d be struggling to look on someone with compassion if I’d taken them a drink and they were screaming at me, same for being screamed at for not cleaning a pre teens bedroom

dont rise to the bait and staying calm during the tantrum would be my limit, afterwards sorting out how they can sort out these episodes as the are not acceptable & will not be tolerated by others - nor should they be

my best suggestion is get her doing sport, the hormones can be dispersed greatly by any type of physical activity- the more the better

There are obviously bigger issues going on here.

No one hates their mum for no reason.

You often find the mum isn’t to blame but they take things out on their mum as they’re the ones they trust the most.

What do you do now?
So if she texts saying why isn’t her room clean what do you do?

Is DH her dad?

I agree with both they shouldn't be tolerated and handling them calmly.

But I think more than sport is needed to sort out these episodes. If the OP DD has suddenly shown this behaviour the underlying cause needs to be looked at.

Neither parents approach - OP taking it personally and thinking her DD hates her and the DH of pandering and acceptance is helpful.

Given she is 11 there is time here to get to the bottom of what this is (and the transistion to High School must be part of it) social/academic/emotional struggles.

Speaking to her, the school and accessing help is the best way forward and coming up with clear rules and boundaries and accpetable ways of talking to each other

@MondaymornibgMadness
Your Dh is undermining you in front of your Dd and teaching her that it’s ok to disrespect you.

It is a difficult thing to counteract and teach her that you do actually deserve to be treated with respect, when she is getting the opposite message from her other parent.

I get completely why you are starting to dislike your dh.

Unfortunately he is teaching her it’s ok to be rude and disrespectful. This isn’t good for her.

Have a private conversation with dh on why it is important for your dd that you both teach her respect. Why undermining the other parent is bad for your dd.

Discuss how to have a united front, how to back each other up and when to back each other up.

If he continues to undermine you and not back you up then you need to figure out what you want to do about that.

In the meantime, show your dh and dd that you have self respect and refuse to respond to any rude demands.

If they continue to treat you with disrespect then do not do them any favours. They can cook their own dinner, wash their own clothes, make their own breakfast and lunch.

Make it clear that you only do things like cook dinner etc. for people who respect you.

Stand firm, you deserve to be treated with respect.

But I think more than sport is needed to sort out these episodes.

I would agree that more needs to be sorted than sport. Sport those is very underestimate as a “medicine” for want if a better word to hormones in pre teen girls. It really does have a wonder affect on their brain - brings calm and peace, and brings a lot of other pluses, self confidence, friendships, pride etc

I agree with this. She's not 3 years old. She needs to understand pretty quickly that you're neither her servant nor her verbal punching bag. I'd withdraw services until she can behave with at least a minimal level of civility to you. Your DH can sort her out if he wants to.

The compassion is so you stay calm and for your benefit as it feels worse if you are angry too, and help you not do anything that will make it worse. Calms it down quicker. You have less adrenaline and less of a post meltdown reaction. Win win. Posted from experience of an autistic child who meltsdown.

Why are you allowing her to behave this way? You are choosing to be a doormat for a spoilt child. Periods, hormones, whatever - it’s excuses and does not make the behaviour acceptable.
united front. Clear rules. Reward positives to reinforce good behaviour, do nice things together - nails, face packs, cooking buns etc. Remove yourself every time she is rude or breaks the rule. Go out if necessary for a walk around the block.
If you don’t buy her things she can’t throw them at you. Anything thrown should be snapped in half and put in the bin regardless of cost and whether it was a birthday present. Gifts she gets to keep, weapons she doesn’t.
Avoid a cycle of negativity as it only gets worse. Build on positives but don’t tread on eggshells in your own home. That gives her a message about who is in charge at the very age she needs the security of firm, consistent, fair and loving parenting.

This ^ plus you absolutely need to agree with Dh on a united front that NEVER breaks.

The examples you give are not that important really. The screaming is of course.

I can see that if you are new to school, trying definitely to fit in, finding friends - that taking her phone is pretty disastrous for her. Not saying it was wrong just a bad time to do it.
I would try to ignore and try to remind myself it is something else that is the problem - you are just who she is taking it out on.
Walk away and carry on with something else if she starts, don't answer stupid txts telling you to clean her room. Ignore. (I know it's easier said than done - initially I would respond angrily and yell back but eventually I would calm down and plan to ignore).

I real hope you haven’t actually told your DD that you would like to move out or have threatened to leave because of her. That is hugely emotionally destabilising and damaging. The problem is very much yours and your DH’s and the fact you can’t agree how to parent.

Totally agree that teenage angst can be massively helped through sport and exercise.

Prévention is better than cure. Once in the meltdown/tantrum phase no point talking she is only responding to emotion and physical. For some kids a big hug works. (Deep pressure) (but only if they are not going to be able to punch/bite/scratch/headbutt and at 11 it is a bit trickier to manage this safely if you have not practised on a smaller kid. )

But spotting the signs, intervening early, disciplining when she is calm. (At least an hour after to let the adrenaline clear from her system) (Make her think how you feel when she behaves like that and write an apology)

Praise the good. However small. Look for her being good and praise it. You probably don't like her much now, you need to work on liking the unlikable looking for the positives. Don't pull away when she needs you.

Don't shout. It doesn't work. (You will shout sometimes, we mostly all do which is how we know it doesn't work)

Look up the pop bottle analogy. She's kept the pressure in at school and releases it at home. Just because she is good at school doesn't necessarily mean she is choosing bad behaviour at home. She may have got to the point she can't control it any more. But you can choose to help her manage this. Find a way to release it slowly. She may need decompression time straight after school. (Silence/food/drink/alone time or hug/mindless electronic game/exercise)

Look carefully at everything that happens for the hours before a big blowout. Sensory, your responses, what worked, what didn't what happened at school, Write it all down look to see if you could have done something different. You may need to change your attitude and outlook. You want this to stop. There are no quick fixes. But it will get better as she grows and as you learn to manage the big emotions better.

(It helped me to know mine was autistic so looking up puberty and or any suspected conditions may help you cope with the behaviour. A sort of explanation not excuse. Doesn't mean you don't have to work on changing her behaviour. Just helps your ability to rationalize it and deal with your emotions)

Other things we have done is name the emotions. "That must be so disappointing" etc. Seems to help.

Yeah, and selective deafness, withdrawal of services.

Don't be surprised if she can't remember what she said. This is not uncommon as they switch to the emotional part of their brain and don't make new memories. Also why reasoning with them does not work if in proper meltdown.

Can you give an example of how you’d respond in the instances you gave? It might help.

11yo's are dicks, mostly they can't help it. Senior school is a massive change for them plus hormones and self discovery it's no wonder they are ticking time bombs.
This is going to be a tough time for everyone but you can't sacrifice yourself to her moods.
Step back a bit don't let her speak or shout at you. If she starts you won't get through to her so just ignore. If she starts trashing the house go out. Never try to reason with her just wait until things have calmed down.
Regarding the rude demands and cleaning up after her I would tell her she is now responsible for her own room, if she doesnt want to clean she can live in a mess her choice. Don't fight her on anything your effectively going grey rock lite.

When she is acting human again make a huge effort with her, keep things like little gifts and snacks on hand you can give her saying saw this thought you would like it, let her stay up late do movie nights etc.

What has happened to cause this though? It might not be something that you think is bad enough to warrant the level of abuse you are getting, but something must have happened or changed for her to suddenly behave like this, and it's only towards you. It doesn't have to be something that you have done, but maybe she is keeping your DH sweet for a reason. Sometimes kids do that if they are afraid that person is going to leave them for example. Maybe she trusts you more than him in that regard.

She is acting out for a reason, don't "go nuclear" with her as previous posters have suggested, it will just lead to much more animosity and hate. You need to work on understanding her, she is at an age where much of what she does isn't controlled by logic.

Why does DH take her side? What particular issues is he against you on.

You need to have a conversation with him about showing unity. It's a difficult time and she can't see that it's ok to play mum off against dad. She needs to understand that your relationship is important also.

Thank you very much for helpful replies. I’m in work on my lunch reading through, I will reply when I’m home